


Soul Bound [UNDER RECONSTRUCTION]

by patton_pending



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bullying, Deceit is named Dolon, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, On Hiatus, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Romantic Soulmates, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Trauma, hope y’all like that name, spoiler alert someone kinda dies whoops, wont say who tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2020-03-20 19:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 52,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18999175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patton_pending/pseuds/patton_pending
Summary: A cunning snake, a reclusive bat, a friendly Labrador, a clever owl, and a regal peacock. What do all of these animals have in common?Everyone is born with what is called a "soul spirit"; an animal you share your soul with. Alongside your soul spirit, you see a more ghostly vision of your soulmate's soul spirit to help unite you with your soulmate.Poor Virgil has a fucking petting zoo on his hands.(also posted on Wattpad under the username lies_and_dolls)





	1. Of All the Gin Joints In All the World

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Healing Broken Wings (working title)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18458153) by [Lilfella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilfella/pseuds/Lilfella). 



"Virgil Esmund! Pay attention when I'm talking to you!"

Virgil's mind had wandered off again as he sat in his desk drawing in his notebook when he was supposed to be taking physics notes. He couldn't help it if science wasn't his strong suit and he would much rather do what he was best at; procrastinate. 

"Sorry, Mrs Erickson," he delivered flatly, not meaning it in the slightest. He couldn't wait to move out of this stupid town full of equally stupid people. 

He glanced back down at his drawing; one of his soulmates' soul spirits. The slithering, ghostly snake around his neck flicked his tongue out, nuzzling Virgil's cheek affectionately. The boy couldn't help but smile, though he tried not to. He was the only one able to see his soulmates' soul spirits even though everyone was able to see his own. 

For some reason that Virgil was unable to comprehend, he seemed to have four soulmates. One whose soul spirit is a Labrador by the name of Junior, one with a peacock by the name of Rory, one with a northern saw-whet owl by the name of Edison, and one with a mangrove cat-eyed snake by the name of Basil. They all appeared to him in ghostly forms while his own soul spirit, a fruit bat named Coco, looked like a normal bat. 

Finally, the school bell rang. Every day it feels like it takes longer and longer for that sweet sound to announce freedom. Virgil packed up his belongings and went to his locker, where one of his few friends Joan awaited him, their own bat soul spirit with them, though theirs was a bumblebee bat. 

"Yo," they greeted. "You, me, and Talyn. Tonight. The Neon Cactus. Please say yes."

Virgil rolled his eyes. "First of all, I still stand by the fact that that is a stupid name for anything. Second, I'm not going anywhere tonight. You know I hate any place that isn't my room. If you and Talyn wanna hang, you're welcome to join me there."

Joan gave him a cheeky grin. "Did you just invite me to the bedroom?"

He scoffed at that. "Joan, please. You're a saucy fuck, you know that?"

"First of all, thank you. Second of all, you have to come out tonight, I'm begging you." 

It was Virgil's turn to be cheeky. "Came out a long time ago, honey."

Joan fought a smile as Virgil closed his locker door, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. "Virgil, please. I mean it, seriously. Please come hang out tonight, we haven't all hung out as a trio in for-fucking-ever!"

Virgil was very suspicious of them. "It's not just that, though, is it? What are you planning?"

They blushed very subtly yet noticeably. "Nothing! Can I not just wanna hang out with my best bud?"

"Well, my birthday is in October, Christmas is nowhere in sight, and I can't think of any other reason to go out tonight. So why exactly are you wanting me to so badly?"

They sighed under their breath, crossing their arms. "Fine. I... _may_ have found one of your soulmates there."

Virgil could say with absolute certainty he was not expecting that to come out of Joan's mouth. "Okay...?"

"Well, you've mentioned that one of the spirit souls you see is a snake, right?"

"Yeah...?"

"Well, this guy seems to show up every Friday and his spirit soul is a snake!"

Virgil narrowed his eyes at them. "And...?"

Joan furrowed their eyebrows. "'And'? And get the fuck out of the fucking house and _meet your fucking soulmate, you idiot_!" 

"Why should I? You seem to forget that I'm moving at the end of the year, so what would be the point?" 

Joan gave him an unbelieving look. "You-" they cut themselves off. "Dude. Are you trying to tell me that you're passing up the opportunity to meet your fucking _soulmate_... because you'll eventually have to make it long-fucking-distance?" 

Virgil shrugged his shoulders. "It just feels like it's gonna end in heartache. I'm gonna have enough difficulty saying goodbye to you, I don't need to add my soulmate to that."

"Don't say it like that," Joan muttered, taking on a different tone. "Never 'goodbye'. Just... 'see you later'."

He nodded. "Yeah, of course." He knew this move was going to be hard on Joan. One of the "three caballeros" would be three states over and Virgil was honestly unsure of how any of them were going to deal with it. 

"Please, Virgie. If you get uncomfortable or if this dude turns out to be an asshat, we'll go to your house and eat ice cream and watch scary movies or something."

Virgil nodded again, pursing his lips. "That does sound more my speed." He glanced at Joan, who practically had puppy eyes at this point. "Ugh, fine."

Joan was clearly proud of themselves as they walked out of the building with him, each of them going their separate ways as they walked out the door. Virgil got into the passenger seat of his dad's pickup truck, the owner of said truck getting mad at him for "taking so long". 

~

Logan let out a heavy sigh as he checked the time on his pocket watch; a quarter till midnight for him. He was sure Patton was done with school for the day in his time zone. He could always... no. He had too much studying left to do. Besides, he was sure that Patton would message him first as he always does. This is how Logan's nights typically go, especially Fridays. Too much indecision coupled with too much work. 

Eventually, he couldn't help but cave. He loved Patton far too much for his own good. 

"Edison." He looked to his soul spirit who sat patiently on the desk. "Phone, please." Edison was swift to fly from the desk to Logan's bed to retrieve his phone, carrying it in his talons to bring to Logan, who thanked him for his work. 

L: You are out of school for the day, correct? It's late for me but I felt like talking as we have not done so in a while. 

P: hey lo!! yea the bell just rang so I can talk all day now!!! I miss u 🤗🥺

L: I miss you, too, Patton. How are you and Roman doing as of late?

P: super duper!!! 🥰🥰🥰 roman got the part in that school play weve got comin up and ive been getting my grades up FINALLY!! 🥳😸

L: I'm proud of both of you. What about the math test I helped you study for?

P: aced it!! well i got a c but thats better than a d and its WAY better than an f! 😊

L: Certainly. Well done, Patton. I only wish I was still there with you to help with these things. It's rather inconvenient being in such vastly different time zones. Not to mention how hard it is for me being so far away from you and Roman. 

P: no worries lovebug!!! 🤗 youll be back before u know it!! 😽 ily 😽💕💘💞

L: That means "I love you", correct?

P: sure does!! 🥰

L: In that case, "ily" as well. 

P: gosh ur the cutest thing!!! 😻😻😻😻

L: Thank you, Patton. I appreciate the sentiment. 

P: no problem, boo 😽

P: oh yeah so hows the search for our two other soulmates going? 

L: So far, it's been fruitless. No one I have met so far has a bat or a snake as a soul spirit or knows anyone with either of the two. It is entirely plausible that they do not live here. 

P: well darn 😿 oh well im sure we'll meet them someday!!! 😸

L: This is true. I am going with my mother tomorrow to do "sightseeing" as she calls it. Perhaps I will meet them while we are out. 

P: oooo maybe!!! but most importantly u better have fun kiddo 💕

L: We shall certainly see. She has informed me that we will be seeing a show at Shakespeare's Globe, which I have heard Roman speak highly of. I believe he once said that it is one of his aspirations to perform in said theater?

P: hes with me right now and he DEFINITELY likes the shakespeares globe 😹

L: Tell him that I say hello and that I miss him. 

P: he says he misses u too and that he loves u kiddo 🤗

P: ... now he's asking for tickets to the shakespeares globe 🤣

L: That does sound like Roman. 

P: Logan, this is Roman talking now, you HAVE to tell me EVERY DETAIL about that theatre after you watch the show!!! it's been my lifelong DREAM to not only perform on stage myself in that dazzling beauty of a place, but to simply stand within its walls and absorb every ounce of prowess that its performers had in all their moments of glory. 

L: I'm sure I can do that for you. 

P: thank u

L: It's also worth noting that you *almost* used the word "prowess" correctly, but not quite. Think more along the lines of military bravery next time you decide to use it in a sentence. 

P: whatever you say, specs ;)

L: You're incorrigible. But I still "ily". 

P: ilyt <3

L: Now give Patton his phone back. 

P: hi im back did ya miss me 😋😆

L: You know I always miss you, Patton. Roman too. 

P: ro and i are almost at my house. should we ft u when we get there or is it too late for u? i can never remember what time it is there 😜

L: What does "ft" stand for?

P: FaceTime 😽

L: Of course. In that case, it is rather late for that. Normally I do not stay awake for this long but my work got the better of me. 

P: what time is it?

L: 11:49 P.M. 

P: u better sleep mister!! or imma come over there and tuck u in myself 🤗

L: That would only encourage me to stay awake until you arrive. 

P: LO UR GONNA MAKE ME CRY 🥺🥺🥺🥺

L: I will be getting rest now, don't worry about me so much. I love you and Roman very much. ❤️. 

P: aww u even used the emoji 😭😭😭😭💕💘💖💗💓💞💝 im so proud

P: we both love you too kiddo and we can't WAIT for u to come home 🤗 ull have a fresh hug waitin for ya from both of us

L: I look forward to that. Good night/afternoon to the two of you. 

P: goodnight/afternoon from us too 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Logan smiled at his phone. A smile on his face was a rare sight and a welcome feeling. Logan was not one to express his emotions but Patton always found a way to make him do so. He was eternally grateful for that. 

However, as much as he loved Patton and Roman, ever since coming to London, it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to find reasons to smile. Instant messaging and video chatting could never transmit Patton's warmth or his purity. 

As if sensing his melancholy thoughts, Patton's soul spirit jumped up and began licking Logan's face. It turned his sad smile into a genuine one as he attempted to get the dog off of him. "I know, Junior. I know I need to sleep, just get down."

He finally managed to stand up and get ready for bed. It felt strange to him knowing that it was still early in the evening for Patton, yet it was midnight for himself. He hated it a great deal. 

He laid down on his bed, softly sighing. Junior jumped up into the bed with him, cuddling beside him and laying her head on his chest. He gently pet her smooth fur, turning off the lamp by his bed. 

One year. Eleven months, two weeks, and four days. That's all he had to wait. Then he could finally return to his soulmates. It would be the longest year of Logan's life. 

~

Dolon sat anxiously at his table as the deafening music pounded in his ears. He looked all around him, almost in desperation. He had to get out of his house and he happened upon his favourite club. He was hoping the atmosphere could distract him. He had used his fake ID to buy a glass of Jim Beam — something else that would hopefully provide a distraction. He took a swig of his liquor and looked to Basil, who hung from his neck like a scarf. "I'm ready to ditch town tonight. What do you think?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooo what? 👀 does that count as a cliffhanger? I think so :P 
> 
> Hope y'all like how this one's starting out!! I certainly love it!!! :3 I was hoping to finish chapter four of Broken Wings but I mean... guess that didn't happen 🙃
> 
> Also do y'all like the name I picked out for deceit? I was gonna go with either Dolon or Franz (both for very specific reasons that I can elaborate on if you're interested?) but I obviously went with Dolon :3 
> 
> Anyway it's almost three am (holy shit it was just midnight for me wh-) so I'mma sleep :P thanks for reading, kiddos!!! 🖤


	2. Mismatched Eyes and a Gap-Toothed Grin

Virgil walked into the club with Joan and Talyn at his side, immediately overcome with a sense of dread. So much ear damaging music. So many drunk, sweaty people dancing so close together. So many bright neon lights making the whole scene disorienting to watch. How could anyone enjoy themselves here? 

"So where is this alleged soulmate supposed to be anyway?" Virgil had to shout above the music to be heard. 

"I don't know if they're really supposed to be anywhere specific but maybe Coco can help you find them!" Joan replied, equally as loud. 

Coco was sat on Virgil's shoulder, likely just as unhappy to be here as Virgil was. She looked around in every direction, either looking for a soulmate or a way out of this place. Virgil felt bad for making her come here but Joan honestly gave him no choice. They were incredibly persistent as well as persuasive.

"Maybe we could split up?" Talyn suggested, holding their deer mouse soul spirit in their hands. "See if we can spot a snake anywhere?"

Virgil loathed the idea of being alone in this place but he knew that the sooner they found his soulmate — or, more likely, the sooner they confirmed that his soulmate wasn't here — the sooner Virgil would be able to leave. "Fine," he surrendered. "But also, just in case, keep an eye out for any dogs, owls, and peacocks too, okay?"

They both nodded. "Definitely," Joan replied. "Alright, lets go, three musketeers!"

Virgil smirked at them. "I thought we were the three caballeros?"

They shrugged. "Can we not be both?"

He rolled his eyes, still smirking. "Whatever. Let's split up, gang."

"Okay, but there's not enough of us to be the mystery ga—"

"I'm walking away now, bye!" Virgil swiftly made his way through the bustling crowd. 

He passed by many people in search of his soulmate. He saw so many soul spirits in all shapes and forms. No matter how hard he looked, he could not seem to find a snake. He glanced at Coco who was still clinging to his shoulder. "Coco, can you... feel anything? I'm not sure how this works. Can you find a snake anywhere?"

She gave a quiet chirp in response as she flew into the air, going in search of Virgil's soulmate. He could feel her absence like a stone cold pit in his stomach. It was a bad idea to be this far away from his soul spirit and he knew that but he had no choice. It would be easier to find them if Coco used her aerial advantage. 

Soon enough, she swooped back down and flew in circles around Virgil's head. "Did you find them?" She answered this question by grabbing the sleeve of his hoodie and tugging on it, trying to lead him forward. "Seems like a 'yes'."

He followed her directions but tried to not get his hopes up. Even if he did meet one of his soulmates here, he knew he would be leaving them in December anyway. _Please let Coco be wrong_ , he thought. _I don't want this heartache_. 

It wasn't long before she lead him to a table by the bar. A lone man sat there with his snake soul spirit, sipping on his drink until he noticed Virgil and Coco. Coco flew into the stranger's arms as said stranger's own soul spirit, Basil, slithered from the man's shoulders over to Virgil, wrapping around his leg. Virgil bent down and let Basil wrap around his arm, who rested his scaly head on Virgil's shoulder and flicking his tongue almost excitedly.

His breath hitched in his throat as the man slowly got to his feet, clearly in shock. Neither of them knew what to say in this moment. Virgil had never met a soulmate before, what was he _supposed_ to say? The stranger approached Virgil, slowly and carefully, still holding Coco in his arms and caressing her fur. After several seconds of silence between them, the stranger finally spoke first. 

"Hi," he muttered, almost inaudible in the midst of blaring music. 

"Hi," Virgil replied, his voice equally subdued. "I-I'm Virgil."

"I'm Dolon. Are you... uh... is - is this your, uh, bat?"

Virgil grinned softly, a blush blooming across his cheeks like roses. "Y-Yeah. And... this... um, this - this is y-your snake?" Dolon nodded in response, a shy smile threatening to form. 

Virgil took notice of the burn scar on the left side of his face as well as his mismatched eyes — his right the darkest of browns, his left a deep shade of green-hazel. He wore a black leather jacket and a yellow T-shirt underneath it — he couldn't read it in its entirety but he was pretty sure it said "I'm a happy ray of fucking sunshine", which Virgil adored. He also wore a maroon beanie with demon horns sticking out, the words "demons gonna hate" written in white lettering. He knew he was completely biased, but this man was absolutely beautiful. 

"I... I must be honest," Dolon's voice took Virgil out of his thoughts. "I, uh, really don't know, uh, what I'm supposed to say." He chuckled softly, visibly nervous. Virgil completely understood that feeling. Dolon took a deep breath, clearing his throat. "Sorry. I'm just a - just a bit... anxious... all of a sudden."

"Well, I'm _always_ anxious, so you're fine," Virgil half joked, getting a small laugh out of Dolon. 

"I suppose it's just the effect that meeting your soulmate has on you. I've never met one before. One of - one of you, I mean." He scratched the back of his neck as he blushed. 

Virgil grinned, his face still warm. "One down, three to go, right?"

Dolon smiled widely, showing off the gap in his front teeth. Virgil couldn't help but smile with him as he noticed them. "Can I buy you a drink?"

Virgil decided to make a very subtle reference to his favourite musical. "That would be nice."

Dolon seemed to catch on. "While we're talking let me offer you some free advice." He approached, getting closer than before, making Virgil's heart pound. Dolon whispered in his ear. "Talk less. Smile more." He gave another gap-toothed smile as Virgil got chills down his spine. 

Virgil made a mental note to thank the absolute shit out of Joan the next time he saw them. 

The two soulmates must have been talking for hours and hours, bonding over their mutual love of musicals, art, and literature. Virgil confessed that he was a dabbling artist and Dolon confessed that he was a painter. 

"Bob Ross is my fucking _hero_ , okay?" Dolon proclaimed as they discussed their favourite artists. "I look up to painters like Georgia O'Keefe and Vincent Van Gogh and Claude Monet. But... Bob Ross... we'll never know another painter quite like him. His... love for the craft, his passion and his... vision. The way he spoke and the way he painted... the way he saw the world. He saw the world and put it on a canvas and... the world of Bob Ross is... so much more beautiful than the world we live in. His soul was... beyond purity. It was perfection. I only wish to see the world the way Bob Ross did."

Virgil was floored by Dolon's outpouring of love for the artist. He'd never heard such adoration before in his life — not even when his friend Emile talked about cartoons, and that's saying something. "That was... so inspiring." Virgil gave a soft grin as Dolon's cheeks reddened. 

"I’m sorry,” he apologised, Virgil detecting a lisp that he hadn't noticed before. “I, uh, I tend to get a bit carried away. That was... a lot of talking." He chuckled nervously, taking a sip of his drink, which Virgil wasn't sure if it was alcoholic or not — he didn't know Dolon's age but he doubted he was twenty one. "I - I must have sounded dumb."

"No, don't be sorry. I love listening to people ramble about things they enjoy. Even if I have no clue what they're talking about, it's the passion in their voice that keeps me interested."

Dolon glanced in his direction, clearly relieved to hear him say that. He cleared his throat before continuing. "What about you? What are you passionate about?" he asked, the lisp suddenly gone. 

Virgil had not expected that question for some reason. "Well... I love to draw. And... write. And play music, I can play a few instruments. Guitar, drums, violin. I wanna learn ukulele sometime soon too."

"I love a man who can play an instrument, so a man who can play three must be heaven-sent. What made you pick those instruments?"

He thought for a moment. "Well... the first one I learned was violin. I was in... fourth grade, I think. I just loved the way it sounded, especially in movies. I think my love of violin actually came from movie soundtracks. It's just a beautiful instrument that makes a beautiful sound. Then I took up drums in middle school, either sixth or seventh grade. I wanted something more... intense to express myself. I guess that's when my emo phase started. I've always been such a huge fan of Lamb of God and their drummer... oh man, he's something else. Every time I would listen to one of their tracks, I'd pay attention to his drum playing. It... transcends music. It's... pure art. And I wanted to be like him, so I started learning drums. Then, very recently, that Disney movie _Coco_ came out. Miguel's love for playing guitar spoke to me so much. There was actually... one scene in particular that... made me want nothing more than a guitar of my own. I wanted to feel what he felt. My dad actually plays guitar, he has since he was a kid. So one day, I picked up his old acoustic, started strumming a few strings... and it felt right. It felt like... I dunno."

"What did it feel like?" Dolon asked softly. 

Virgil paused for a moment to think of the words he wanted to put together. "It felt like... I was a guitarist. I didn't know a single chord, but... holding his guitar... it just felt right. And I felt so stupid for not trying to play before. After my dad kept asking if I wanted to learn. I never knew what I was missing." There was a fire burning in Virgil's heart. He loved his music more than anything. All he wanted was to play songs for the world, though he was far too shy for that. 

"I guess we both have that passion in our voices."

Virgil smiled at him. "Yeah. We do." 

He bit his lower lip, feeling the strong urge to kiss him right now. Is it too soon? Did Dolon want that too? Virgil had never kissed anyone before, how was he supposed to do it? He suddenly felt a warmth brush his fingertips. He glanced down at his hand as it rested atop the table, seeing Dolon slowly reach out to interlock their fingers. Virgil welcomed it, feeling fireworks within him as their hands touched. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, Coco grabbed Virgil's hoodie and yanked him closer to Dolon, making their lips collide. The unexpected kiss was warm and gentle despite having been forced upon them by Virgil's soul spirit. He felt a sudden rush of emotion like adrenaline pumping through his veins and he wondered if Dolon felt it too.

Dolon's hand that wasn't holding Virgil's moved to his cheek to caress it in his palm. Virgil minutely leaned into the touch, still kissing Dolon and never wanting to stop. How had a conversation lasting a few hours lead to such fiery emotions? Perhaps it was a soulmate thing, he couldn't be sure. 

Dolon gently pulled back from the kiss, his breathing heavy. "We're not moving too fast, are we? You can tell me if you're uncomfortable or anything."

"I've never been so comfortable in my _fucking_ life." He pressed his lips to Dolon's again, too caught up in the heat of the moment to think about anything else. 

Without warning, Virgil's phone began ringing. This was most definitely not the best time. And this was also most definitely _not_ the song he set as his tone. 

_Fergalicious, definition, make them boys go loco_  
_They want my treasures, so they get their pleasures from my photo_

All colour from Virgil's face was suddenly _gone_. 

Dolon smiled. "Is that Fergie?"

"Definitely not. I-I mean, I guess, but this is not supposed to be my ringtone. Uh, I should answer this and murder the person on the other end, just give me a - a minute."

His smile grew at how flustered Virgil was. "I'll be waiting."

Virgil jumped up and stood closer to the bar and answered the phone, realising who it was. "Remy, what in the god damn fuck do you want?" 

"Hey, boo." Remy's smooth voice was like butter. "You sound stressed."

"First of all, stop changing my ringtone. Second, this better be really fucking good."

"Goodness gracious, so much tension. I can practically feel it over the phone. Also your music is way too loud, can you turn it down a smidge?"

Virgil scoffed, realising Remy didn't know where he was. "That one's out of my control. I'm not the one playing the music."

"What do you mean- wait. Are you... like, outside your house or some shit? No way. Girl. Gimme deets."

"I'm at the Neon Cactus. I came here with Joan and Talyn."

Remy gasped loudly and dramatically. "The Neon Cactus? I don't believe you."

"You say that like I'm some sort of vampire that can never set foot outside my room."

"I dunno, bae, you _do_ have a bat as a soul spirit. Just sayin'."

Virgil rolled his eyes. "It wasn't my idea to come here, okay? I was practically dragged here. But it was actually worth it."

Remy gasped again. "Bitch, do you have _tea_? _Please_ spill, Virgie, baby."

"I... met one of my soulmates." Virgil couldn't stop smiling as he mentioned Dolon. 

Remy shrieked on the other end, making Virgil pull his phone away from his ear. "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD TELL ME EVERYTHING, BITCH!"

"Thanks, I think I'm deaf now."

"Sorry, but this is exciting as shit. I want every fucking detail!"

"His name is Dolon and he's waiting for me to get off the phone so I can start kissing him again."

Another scream from Remy sealed the deal on Virgil's hearing loss. "BITCH GET OFF THE PHONE AND KISS THAT BOY!"

"Funny, that was my plan all along," he shot back sardonically. 

"Just go already! Emile says hi, by the way. I'll tell him hi from you, okay? Kiss, kiss, hunty." Remy immediately hung up, probably screaming this gossip to Emile right now. 

Virgil couldn't help but chuckle as he slid his phone back in his pocket, heading back to where Dolon sat. He slid back into his seat. "Now, where were we?"

Dolon smiled weakly, casually slipping his own phone back in his pocket. "I believe I was just about to ask you if you'd like to take this somewhere... quieter."

Virgil liked the sound of that. "The answer to that question will always be yes. Your place or mine?"

"Yours," Dolon answered quickly. He cleared his throat. "I mean, as long as your parents don't mind."

"It's just my dad and he gives a very low number of fucks what I do as long as I don't wake him up or commit a felony." 

"That sounds perfect."

"Oh yeah, I came here with two of my friends, I should text them and let them know I'm leaving."

Dolon got to his feet. "While you do that, I'm actually gonna go freshen up. I won't be long." He gave Virgil a smile, who smiled back. 

"Take your time, Dee." Dee? Nicknames already? As Dolon headed to the men's room, Basil around his neck, Virgil got his phone out of his pocket again and texted Joan. 

V: heading out. found soulmate. going to my place

J: owo

V: joan pls

J: lol i already know actually. talyn and i noticed u talkin to a hottie n decided to let u kids talk ;) guess its more than just talking now ;)))

V: we kissed. it was a,,,, really long kiss. and it was a GOOD kiss too. im so glad you dragged me here thanks for this

J: dont mention it. just name one of ur future kids after me and well call it even :P

V: im officially leaving now lmao

J: wear a condom

He slid his phone into his pocket once more and waited for Dolon to return. After a few minutes, he wondered what was taking so long. He didn't want to jump to conclusions but his mind had a tendency to do that. 

He glanced down at Coco, who clung to his chest. "He wouldn't have ditched me, right? It's - it's only been like five minutes. He didn't. I'm overreacting. I always overreact." The peacock soul spirit, Rory, suddenly nudged his arm. Virgil grinned faintly as he gently ran his hand down his neck to pet him. "I know, Rory. He'll come back. Just wish my brain would settle down."

He waited another minute, finally seeing Dolon's face. A relieved smile spread across his own as he stood, Dolon taking his hand. "Shall we go, Virge?"

He noticed Dolon appeared considerably paler than he had before, but he shrugged it off; it had to have been the lights. "Yes, please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OwO
> 
> This was a fun chapter to write, I loved building Dolon's character slightly 👀 hope y'all liked it too!! 
> 
> I might switch around with points of view again next chapter if that interests y'all? I'd love to write a scene with roman and Patton hanging out being adorable fluff beans, my sweet beautiful sons ;-; I love them more than I probably should lol oops
> 
> Anyway hope everyone is doing well! \\(^o^)/ take care, kiddos!!! 🖤


	3. Spilling Tea From a Starbucks Cup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️tw⚠️ for this one cos there’s implied/referenced past self harm! Stay safe kiddos!! 🖤

"Tell. Us. _Everything_!" Remy sipped on his Starbucks drink as he sat on his couch, his legs laying across Emile's lap and Virgil sitting on the opposite side of the two. They both eagerly invited him over the day after his encounter with Dolon — more accurately, _Remy_ invited him over and Virgil was certain that it was not just a request; when Remy senses tea, he wants it spilled. 

Virgil shrugged, a small grin on his face. "We just... talked. He's a painter, he loves musicals, he loves poetry." Virgil bit his lip. "He's... a _really_ good kisser, too." 

Remy practically squealed, overly excited by the thought of Virgil and his soulmate. Emile put a hand over his heart, smiling widely. "I wanna meet him so badly. He really sounds like the Ruby to your Sapphire!"

"Well, since we have three other soulmates, I'd say we're more like parts of that... giant fusion that Steven and Lars meet... in that one episode."

Emile nodded. "That's fair. Either way, it sounds like the start of a beautiful fusion! Wait... does he like cartoons?"

Virgil chuckled. "We never got around to talking about that, but I'll ask next time I see him."

"Hunty!" Remy cut in. "Tell us about what happened after you got off the phone with me, I'm dying to know!" 

Virgil scratched the back of his head, a blush forming on his face. "Well... we went to my place-"

"Oh my god, did you fuck?" 

"Remy, please!" 

He cleared his throat, taking another sip of Starbucks. "Sorry, sorry, continue."

"So, we got to my place... went into my room... there was a lot more kissing-"

"Oh my god, you _did_ fuck!" 

" _Remy_!" 

"I'm sorry, just get to the fucking!" 

"We didn't fuck!"

Remy gave him an unbelieving look. "Honey. _Honey_. You had a live one on your hook and you let him swim away?"

Virgil rolled his eyes, still smiling. "He didn't swim away. We're actually... going out later today."

"Are you gonna find a place to fuck?"

"Remy, relationships are more than just fucking!" Virgil was almost annoyed but he couldn't help but laugh. 

"I know, I know! I just... really like those saucy little details."

Emile nodded. "He... _really_ does." 

Virgil rolled his eyes again. "He said that it was gonna be a surprise, so I don't actually know where we're going."

"Oof," Remy muttered. "Hope it's not a movie date. Everyone knows movie dates are for the third or fourth date."

Emile scoffed. "Here we go."

"What?" Remy grinned at his soulmate. "Where are we going exactly?"

Emile grinned back at him. "You and your dating rulebook. You act like there's a very specific way to go on dates but it's different for everyone! Watching a movie as a first date is fine as long as you both enjoy yourselves! And... also it should be animated, but that's just personal preference."

"But if you see a movie on your first date, especially in the theatre, how do you get to know each other? You can't exactly chat!"

Virgil saw his point but also had a counter. "Well, Dolon and I already got to know each other a bit by talking at the Neon Cactus."

"See? A movie date would be fine for them! Plus you get a chance to hold hands, feed each other popcorn, not to mention bond over how you each enjoyed the movie! If it was good, you can talk about your favourite parts! If it was bad, you can make fun of it together! Movie dates can be a fun first date, it's just all about what you make of it!"

Remy sighed dramatically. "Fine, I _guess_ you have a point... _maybe_. But not everyone is good at movie dates."

Virgil and Emile both agreed with him on that one. "So what do you think makes a good first date, Remy?" Virgil asked. 

"Coffee. It's super casual so you don't have to worry about it sounding too serious in case you're worried about coming on too strong. It's also a good way to talk and get to know each other. Plus... I mean, who doesn't love a good cup of coffee, right?" He took a sip of his Starbucks. 

"But what if they don't like coffee?" Emile asked. 

"Then you need a new soulmate, sis."

Virgil and Emile both laughed at that. However, this caused a less than pleasant thought to suddenly enter Virgil's mind. "What if...." He didn't even want to finish his sentence. 

"What's wrong, coffee bean?" Remy asked, his tone suddenly gentle and soft. 

Virgil sighed slowly. "What if the rest of my soulmates... are already together... and they don't even... wanna find me? What if... they just... want it to be the three of them, and Dolon and I don't even matter to them?"

He suddenly felt Emile's soul spirit crawl into his lap and cuddle against his chest. Virgil couldn't help but grin at the river otter as he gently stroked his fur. Remy's soul spirit, a beautiful green violet-ear hummingbird, perched on Virgil's shoulder and chirped softly in his ear. That sound always made Virgil smile, and she seemed to know that.

"Aw, babe, I'm sure they wanna find you as much as you wanna find them," Remy reassured him. "If not, then... then Emile and I will be your substitute soulmates 'cause you don't need those basic bitches."

Virgil chuckled at that, tears stinging his eyes. He didn't know where the sudden emotions came from but he wanted them to stop. He couldn't even look at Remy or Emile for he was too embarrassed by the sudden tears. 

"Virgil, you're jumping to conclusions," Emile spoke gently. "You have no idea who your other soulmates even are, much less how they feel about you or Dolon. Don't think too much about what _might_ be true and focus on what _is_ true. What's true is that you and Dolon found each other and you connect. Focus on that and don't worry about the others. I'm sure they'll all love you unconditionally. _Both_ of you."

Virgil nodded, a weak smile forming on his face. "Thanks, guys." 

"Don't even mention it, babe." Remy gave a soft, sympathetic smile. "You know we love you. And if anyone tries to hurt you, it'll be the last thing they ever do 'cause I will literally murder them where they stand." 

Virgil burst into laughter upon hearing that. "Well, good luck murdering people when I-"

"Don't you say it."

"-move."

Remy sighed dramatically again. "I said not to say it! You're not moving, it's not happening, ever!"

"The sooner you accept it, the easier it'll be when I actually leave."

He took a long sip of his Starbucks drink and set it on the coffee table, folding his arms across his chest. "I don't care. You're not going _anywhere_. End of story."

Emile sighed subtly, putting a comforting hand on Remy's thigh. He looked to Virgil. "Do you know where you're going?" His question made Remy roll his eyes, which Virgil could see even behind his sunglasses. 

"Not yet," Virgil replied. "All I know is that we're leaving in December."

Remy scoffed. "First of all, it's _May_. That's some insane planning ahead. Second of all, it better just be, like, two houses down. If it's not still within walking or motorcycling distance, I will be uber pissed."

A small grin played at Virgil's lips. "First of all, my dad wanted to make sure I had enough time to... prepare myself, instead of just suddenly dropping it on me in the middle of September or something. Second of all, he said it will be out of state. Sorry to disappoint."

"But why? You've lived here literally your entire life, why does your dad have this sudden need to leave?" 

He shrugged. "No idea. Maybe he realised that most of the people here suck ass, with the exception of you two, Dolon, Talyn, and Joan. And maybe some people I don't know but just happen to be nice, I dunno."

"Well, I hope wherever you end up, you meet your very own Mystery Gang!"

"Okay, but I totally call dibs on being Velma."

Emile thought for a moment. "Hmm, you seem more like a Fred if you ask me."

"How _dare_ you." 

"You know," Remy jumped in. "You do seem like a bit of a Shaggy after you've been smoking."

Virgil saw his point. "Touché. Plus we all know Shaggy is a stoner." 

"Agreed."

Emile was more reluctant. "Well... he _could_ be, but there may be another possible... uh... yeah, no, he's a smoker."

Remy seemed to have a thought. "O-M-G. What if Dolon takes you somewhere to get high together? I stan."

Virgil scoffed. "I doubt it, but that would be nice." 

"Wyoming really needs to pick up the pace with this whole 'weed legalising' thing," Remy complained, the others agreeing. 

Virgil suddenly remembered where he was supposed to be soon. He checked the time on his phone. "I have to be ready for my date with Dolon in a couple hours. I... have no idea what to wear 'cause I don't know where we're actually going." 

"Just wear something casual," Remy suggested. "Nothing too 'I just got back from the royal wedding as an honoured guest' but also not too... 'I just got done binge watching the office for the third time in a row this week and I didn't bother changing once'." 

"Those were both very extreme and oddly specific scenarios — I don't even think it's _possible_ to binge the office three full times in a week." 

Remy shrugged. "Maybe if you pretend the last couple seasons don't exist like God intended." 

Ignoring the shade Remy just threw, Virgil continued. "Is what I'm wearing now okay?" He donned his usual black and purple jacket, an Evanescence T-shirt underneath, and ripped black jeans. 

"You're super cute as always, Virgil," Emile chimed in, Virgil thanking him. 

"I like it, it's a look, it's _your_ look," Remy assured. "But... it's a bit _emo casual_ dontcha think?" 

Virgil furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you look like you travelled into the future from a My Chemical Romance concert."

He narrowed his eyes at Remy. "Which era, though? Danger Days? Black Parade?"

Remy paused. "Three Cheers."

Virgil inhaled sharply. "Good god. I've never been so proud of myself." 

Emile chuckled. "I have no idea what either of you are talking about, but I'm proud of you too, Virge!" 

"Okay, so what do you suggest, Remy?" Virgil asked. 

He pondered about that for a moment. "Maybe ditch the hoodie for something... leather?"

Virgil hated the idea of not wearing this hoodie. It was his comfort item, his one bringer of peace. However, the idea of wearing a leather jacket did intrigue him. "Well... I don't have a, uh, leather jacket of my own." He bit his lip, too shy to ask Remy for one of his even though he knew he wouldn’t have minded. 

“Bitch, that’s what I’m here for! I gotchu!” Remy got off the couch, pulling Virgil to his feet. “I just hope we’re still the same size.” 

“You never let _me_ wear your clothes,” Emile blurted, still sat on the couch. 

Remy sighed at his soulmate. “Because, Emmy, we’re not the same size. You’re a fucking _giant_ , babe.”

Emile rolled his eyes but couldn’t keep from smiling. “Not my fault your body thinks it’s still in middle school.”

Remy picked up his drink from the coffee table. “We’re walking away from you now.” He took Virgil’s arm in his own, leading him to the bedroom and picking out a leather jacket for the boy to wear. 

Virgil took off his hoodie and set it on the bed, Remy's soul spirit sitting in it like it was an emo bird nest. He felt vulnerable only wearing his T-shirt now, especially with his scars so visible. Remy had known about Virgil’s self harm for some time now but he still didn’t like showing it off. It made him feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially with some newer scars etched into his skin. He wrapped his arms around himself, hoping to hide his ugly, ruined skin. 

Remy turned around, holding two leather jackets. “Pick one of these. Go on, try em on, I wanna see how sexy you look in them.” 

Virgil chuckled, taking the jackets and trying one on. It felt heavy on him, which he expected, but it was still a vastly different feeling than he was accustomed to. “How’s this?” he asked as he looked in Remy’s full body mirror. 

Remy gave him a once over, looking like he approved. “Love it. Let’s see the other one, though.”

Virgil took off the heavy jacket so he could put on the other, equally heavy jacket. He shrugged his shoulders. “I like em both.” 

Remy huffed. “Fuck, me too. Fashion can never be simple, can it? Well, the first one is more form fitting, this one is, like, looser. Do you like the one that shows off your body a bit more, or this one that leaves a bit of mystery?”

The idea of showing off any of his body made Virgil anxious, no matter the circumstances. “This one works, definitely.”

“Perfect!” He took a sip of his Starbucks drink. “So do you wanna talk about it?”

Virgil tilted his head to the side slightly. “Talk about what?”

Remy gave him a sympathetic look as he slowly removed his shades, revealing his deep brown eyes. “You know what I’m talking about. I may have been wearing these sunglasses, but I saw the new ones.” 

Oh. That. He let a small sigh escape his lips. “They’re not... ‘new’, new. They’re... well, it’s been like three weeks now, maybe four.”

Remy flashed a grin as he placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “That’s good! That’s progress! Have you been doing those things we talked about? Drawing on yourself, holding ice cubes, eating spicy food?”

Virgil nodded. “And I’ve been doing the breathing exercise that Joan taught me.”

Remy’s smile grew. “Even better! I’m proud of you, I really am!”

It was unusual to hear the distinct lack of sarcasm or cynicism in Remy’s voice, but he was being sincere with Virgil. The leather clad emo couldn’t help but smile with him. “Thanks, Rem.”

“Don’t mention it. You know I love you, coffee bean.” He pulled Virgil into a gentle hug, which he gratefully returned. 

This was a side of Remy not often seen but always appreciated. He helped pull Virgil out of some seriously dark pits in his life and he valued their friendship more than anything, really. He adored Joan and Talyn and Emile like they were his flesh and blood but he had known Remy basically all his life and they bonded from the moment they laid eyes on each other. Their connection was unbreakable, their love for each other unbridled, and no matter what they would always be there for each other. 

Remy pulled back from the hug, putting his shades back on and giving a cheeky grin. “So... are you ready to get laid tonight?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a friendship we all need tbh
> 
> Sorry this one took so long, I feel like I’ve been working on this chapter for a century, but it’s finally here so yay!! Sorry it was mostly filler, I just really wanted to build on Virgil’s friendship with Emile and Remy. 
> 
> Also I realised yesterday; Emile and Remy are also characters from ratatouille and in that movie they’re brothers so that makes this awkward to think about now lmao ;^^
> 
> Anyway hopefully I’ll get the next chapter written by tomorrow!! Maybe, who knows lol (and yes there will be lots of date fluff I’m so excited man) 
> 
> Take care kiddos ily!!! 🖤🖤🖤


	4. Reminiscing Over Macarons and Motorcycles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️tw/cw⚠️ for use of transphobic and ableist slurs and just bullying, also the mention of a bruise. Stay safe kiddos 🖤
> 
> Also I made changes to things oops lol
> 
> I changed Remy’s soul spirit from a penguin to a wildcat cos I realised it worked better for his personality. I also made sliiight changes to Dolon's character simply due to the fact that I forgot to account for a... thing (no spoilers) so his dialogue is a bit different as well as his demeanour, which is just a bit more anxious and jumpy. Thought I'd mention it in case y'all need to go back and read his dialogue or anything :)
> 
> heh it’s funny cos i changed it AGAIN to a hummingbird ope

After Emile and Remy got him psyched up for his date with Dolon, Virgil felt he was ready. He was still anxious, but he didn't expect to shake all of his nervousness. He was just happy to be able to function properly.

Dolon told him they would meet outside CocoLove, a small, local coffee and tea place. Virgil had never been there himself but he wouldn't mind trying it. Was this their date? He tried not to think too much. Thinking made his head hurt. 

He heard the faint sound of a motorcycle and wondered if Remy was spying on him to make sure the date went well — this was entirely possible knowing him. However, instead of seeing a black motorcycle with hot pink rims, he saw a yellow and black motorcycle pull up in front of the building, the rider switching the engine off. The rider removed his helmet, revealing himself to be Dolon and giving Virgil a cheeky smile. 

"You goin' my way, doll?" he purred, making Virgil laugh. 

"You're a nerd."

Dolon flipped the kickstand down and got off his metal steed. "Thank you." He walked over to Virgil. "Shall we go in?"

Virgil nodded, a smile forming on his face until he noticed something. "What happened to your jaw?" There was a bruise forming on his left jaw by his scar. 

Dolon's face dropped minutely as his hand went to his face. "Oh... that?" He looked down at his feet for a brief moment. "Uh, tripped and - and fell. I hit my face on my, uh, my dresser. Hurt like a bitch." 

Virgil was less than convinced but decided to let it slide. "You're okay, though?"

He smiled, though the smile didn't reach his mismatched eyes. "I'm fine. I'm just a bit of a klutz."

Virgil smiled small, deciding to change the subject. "So... this is the surprise?"

Dolon shrugged. "Call it phase one of the surprise. There's more ahead, don't you worry, love." Something about his voice turned Virgil to absolute putty in his soft hands; his mere whisper was intoxicating. 

They walked into CocoLove together, ordering drinks and desserts. They sat at a table with booths, Dolon sitting across from Virgil with Basil around his neck like a scarf, Coco on Virgil's back peering over his right shoulder. Virgil ordered a black coffee and Dolon ordered oolong tea, both of them getting macarons. Virgil fought a smile as he envisioned how upset Remy would be if he knew Dolon got tea instead of coffee. 

"So," Virgil began, hoping to pass the time with conversation. "Where are we going after this?"

"Spoilers," Dolon stated simply. 

Virgil scoffed. "Sure thing, River Song," he joked, getting a laugh out of the enigmatic boy sat across from him.

"So you're cute _and_ you watch Doctor Who? You're the full package."

Virgil reddened at the flirting, trying to hide his face with his hands. "You're cuter," he murmured, making Dolon laugh again. 

"Why hide yourself?" He gently took Virgil's hands in both of his own, lowering them to the table. He held them loosely, tracing circles in the skin with his thumbs. "There. That's better."

Virgil was certain he looked sunburnt from the sheer amount of blushing he was doing. He gnawed on his lower lip, trying to contain his smile. He wasn't sure what to say. "Uh... thanks." His voice broke, prompting him to clear his throat. "Thanks," he repeated, hoping Dolon hadn't noticed the crack in his voice but knowing he did. 

Their drinks arrived, Virgil taking an immediate sip of his. He burnt his tongue in the process but didn't care. _Get a damn hold of yourself_ , he thought harshly. _Stop looking like an idiot_. 

"Oh yeah, before I forget." Virgil remembered his conversation with Emile and Remy. "Do you, uh... do you like cartoons?" 

Dolon grinned at the question. "Depends on the cartoon. We talkin' Steven Universe? Adventure Time? Teen Titans?" 

Virgil shrugged. "Uh, well, you just listed three of my favourites so... where do you stand on those?" 

He chuckled. "Well, I listed them in order of how much I love them, which is a fuck ton. Now, the real question, does anime qualify as a cartoon?"

Excellent question. Virgil deliberated on this as he took another sip of his coffee. "I think it's one of those things where... A counts as B, but B doesn't count as A. Not all cartoons are anime, but when you think about it, anime is a Japanese cartoon. I should ask my friend Emile what he thinks, though; he's something of a... cartoon connoisseur." 

Dolon raised his eyebrows at the mention of Emile. "Emile? Emile Picani?" Virgil nodded. "I've seen him around, I didn't know you were friends with him."

"Yeah, I've known him for years; ever since he moved here with his family from Florida. He means... everything to me. I... really value my friendships, ya know? My friends are more like my family at this point." He smiled fondly, meaning every word he said. 

Dolon returned the smile, though his was more shy. "I... I feel the same way about my own friends. I don't have a lot of them, but the ones I do have... I'd die for them. And if anything ever happened to any of them, I would seek vengeance and have no mercy."

Virgil burst into laughter. "That sounds like my other friend, Remy."

"Remy Stellan? He and Emile are soulmates, right?"

"Yeah! Remy I've known basically my whole life. We grew up here together." He wondered if now was the best time to mention that he was moving in December. He knew he couldn't keep it a secret but he didn't want to just say it out of nowhere. 

"I wish I had something like that. I've moved from state to state a few times in my life. Never really... planted any roots anywhere because I never got the chance to."

"Sorry to hear." Virgil, meanwhile, was about to uproot his entire life just because his dad felt like leaving. As much as he loved his friends he made here, that wasn't all he was leaving behind, and the pros outweighed the cons. 

Dolon shrugged, taking a sip of his tea. "I'm not _that_ torn up about it. I've seen some interesting things and I've gone to interesting places. I... try to keep ahold of the good things so that the bad things don't seem as bad, ya know?" 

Virgil smiled, appreciating the philosophy. "That's a good way to live." Dolon returned the smile. "So how long have you lived here?"

"Not long. No more than two or three months. Came here from Arizona, and I had moved to Arizona from... Texas I think, and I'd moved to Texas from... Louisiana... moved to Louisiana from New York, and New York is where I was born. I might've fuddled the order of states a little, but those were definitely all the ones I've lived in. So you might say I've travelled a bit." 

Virgil was surprised by just how much Dolon had moved in his life. "Damn. Why'd you move so much?"

"Well, whenever I asked my parents why we were moving, they'd say 'shut the fuck up and get in the car' so I don't really know." He added a chuckle at the end but Virgil could tell it was forced. He suddenly reached into his pocket. "Oh, I almost forgot! This is gonna sound really weird and random but I was wondering if you minded adding songs to this playlist. Songs you love, songs you feel represent... you. It's... part of phase two of the surprise, I swear there's a reason for it." He handed Virgil his phone, his Spotify app open. 

"Uh, yeah, sure." Virgil gave a small smile as he looked at the empty Spotify playlist by the name of "Virgil". "To be honest, I'm surprised you spelled my name right." He truly was since usually people put an e somewhere in there — in fact, someone once spelled it "Verjill" and that still stands as one of the worst spelling attempts he's ever seen. 

Dolon chuckled at that. "Yeah, well, I just so happen to be a fan of Dante's _Inferno_ , so you lucked out."

Virgil began adding songs to the playlist, starting with Evanescence. "The poem, the movie, or the video game?" he joked, glancing up at Dolon. 

"Yes."

As Virgil continued adding songs to the playlist, their macarons arrived, smelling as delicious as they looked. They got a variety of flavours including vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, as well as more unique flavours like jasmine passion fruit, confetti, and cappuccino. 

Virgil tried a chocolate flavoured macaron while Dolon tried a lemon one. They were both beyond impressed by the taste. "Oh my _god_ ," Virgil spoke past his mouthful of food. 

"I _know_ ," Dolon replied with a smile. "Isn't Oscar Ortega just a culinary genius?" 

Virgil nodded as he grabbed a pistachio macaron. He added one last song to the playlist and gave Dolon his phone back. "This should give you a... vague idea of who I am as a person."

Dolon glanced at the playlist and grinned. "Evanescence, huh? Can't say I'm surprised." His eyes darted to Virgil's band tee, the smile still on his face. 

Virgil glanced down and remembered what he was wearing, a smile forming on his own face. "Yeah, I got this at one of their concerts. It was a birthday present from my dad 'cause he remembered how much I love them. They've been my favourite band for _years_."

Dolon's smile grew. "Which show? Where was it?"

"Irving, Texas. The drive was _miserable_ , I was absolutely _exhausted_ by the time we were actually at the venue, and I thought I was gonna murder someone after being stuck in a car for that long with my dad." He added a short chuckle. "But it was the best night of my life. In spite of all that. Life is funny that way." He took a sip of his coffee, still smiling to himself. 

A notification sound suddenly went off on Dolon's phone as it sat on the table. He flipped it over so that it laid face down. "Sorry about that. Just a..." He cleared his throat, chuckling anxiously. "It's nothing." Before Virgil could respond, the same sound went off again. Dolon sighed shortly as he turned off his ringer. "Stupid spam. Can't stand it." He chuckled anxiously again. Mere moments later, his phone vibrated, indicating he got another notification. 

"Whoever that is clearly isn't gonna give up so you might as well text them back," Virgil said with a grin. 

"Really? You... you sure you don't mind?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "It must be important if they texted you three times in a row. Besides, unlike me, you probably _have_ a life." 

Dolon huffed a laugh as another text came through. He hesitantly picked up his phone and began typing. Virgil wondered what was so important but didn't want to pry. He took a sip of his coffee as he waited for Dolon to finish his text. 

He locked his phone and shoved it into his pocket. "I'm sorry. Just, uh, had to clear up a little misunderstanding."

"No worries, it’s chill." 

Dolon's eyebrows furrowed together. "Really? You're not, like... mad?" 

Virgil tilted his head slightly. "Why would I be mad? You can't control other people or what they need at any given time."

"I - I dunno. Just... I know... people who have gotten upset over... things like that. Little things that... just made them... blow up in my face a bit." He added a weak chuckle as though he was passing it off as a joke. 

"That... sounds really unhealthy."

"Nah, they're just... looking out for me. They - they wanna make sure I'm not... uh, well, it-it's fine, really. It could be a lot worse." He forced another laugh, drinking his tea.

Virgil couldn't help but wonder about the secrets Dolon was covering up. He wouldn't try to invade his privacy but he also hoped he wasn't getting hurt — other than the bruise on his jaw. It was entirely possible he was being mistreated by someone, so Virgil wanted to keep his guard up. 

Once they finished their drinks and their macarons, they were ready to move on to "phase two", whatever that meant. "Actually," Dolon began as he and Virgil stood. "I need to, uh, freshen up really quick, do you mind waiting by the bike?"

"No problem, take your time." He flashed Dolon a smile as he headed towards the restroom. 

Virgil stepped outside, standing by Dolon's motorcycle. He couldn't help but admire it. However, he wasn't able to admire it for long as he heard a very familiar voice. "Well, well!" Brandon jeered as he approached with his crocodile soul spirit. "If it's not Count Fag-ula himself! As a vampire queer, isn't it dangerous for you to be outside?"

Virgil sighed softly. "It's only dangerous because people like you threaten to kill my brain cells with your stupidity."

The amused look was wiped from Brandon's face. “You think you’re smart, don’t you?”

Virgil pursed his lips. “Nah, not really. I know I’m smarter than _you_ , specifically, because I don’t harass others when I’m going through personal issues. I think therapy would do wonders for you, I really do.”

Brandon wasn’t having any of it. “Fuck you! You’re just a freak!” 

Virgil shrugged sarcastically. “I know, that’s what I love about myself. What do you love about yourself? Anything?”

Brandon scoffed, crossing his arms. “I love that I’m not a fucking faggot!”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Boy, you _really_ do have some self esteem issues. But, then again, we been knew.” 

Brandon approached him and grabbed him by his jacket. Before he could even say anything, Coco screeched and started flying manically around Brandon’s head, forcing him to let go. 

“Get the fuck off me, you stupid rat!” 

Virgil grinned. “The word you’re looking for is bat, actually. Good effort, though.” 

Brandon scowled at him as Coco returned to Virgil, ready to attack again if need be. “You better back off before Killer rips your fucking leg off!” 

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Really? Your soul spirit’s name is _Killer_? Also... _you’re_ the one who instigated. Not me. Oh yeah, ‘instigated’ means to—”

“I know what instigated means, you prick!”

He was genuinely surprised. “Really? You sure?” 

Brandon rolled his eyes. Before he could think of some “clever” quip, Basil was suddenly between him and Virgil, hissing menacingly as he curled into an attack stance. Virgil glanced over his shoulder and saw Dolon standing in front of the door, the fear on his face completely obvious. 

“You - you leave him a-a-alone,” he stammered furiously. 

Brandon put a hand to his ear. “I’m sorry, wuh, wuh, what was that?” He mocked Dolon’s stammer. “Didn’t quite catch that you re-re-retard!”

Virgil’s hands clenched into fists. “Shut the fuck up, Brandon! Don’t call him that!” 

“Why not? Is he your girlfriend?” he continued to tease. 

Virgil took a breath, having lost his cool for a moment. Being teased himself was one thing, but seeing Dolon being teased was another. “Because there are healthier ways to deal with your problems than taking them out on others. Go find one.” 

Brandon scoffed. “Fine, this isn’t my scene anyway.” He spat on the ground and flipped them both off. “Hope you both drown.” He finally left, laughing to himself as though it were amusing. 

Virgil took another breath, glad he was gone for now. He looked back at Dolon, who showed signs of having an anxiety attack. His arms were wrapped around himself and he seemed to be struggling to breathe. 

Virgil was by his side in an instant. “Hey, Dee, it’s okay. Just breathe, okay?” He paused for a moment, wanting to reach out but knowing better. “Can I - Can I touch you?” Dolon quickly shook his head, staring at the ground ahead of him. “Okay, I won’t. But can you look at me?” Dolon hesitated before looking towards Virgil, though not maintaining eye contact. “I want you to breathe with me, can you do that?” Dolon reluctantly nodded his head. “Okay. Breathe in for four seconds.” Virgil began walking him through the breathing exercise, Dolon following his lead. “Hold your breath for seven seconds. Breathe out for eight seconds. And again.”

They both repeated the breathing exercise for a few minutes, making sure Dolon’s anxiety was quelled. “I’m sorry,” Dolon murmured, Virgil hearing his lisp. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Dee.”

He shook his head. “No... it wath—" He cut himself off, trying to control his lisp. "It... was my fault. I - I... I should've - should've been able to—”

“No, Dee, your anxiety is _not_ your fault. However you... react to a - a situation is completely valid. Okay?” Dolon hesitated before nodding. “I’m just sorry you had to go through that. Brandon is an ass.”

“It's - it's fine. I... I've had worse - worse things happen.” 

Virgil’s expression became one of sympathy. “Can I... touch you now?”

Dolon made direct eye contact, seeming unsure of what he wanted. He slowly nodded his head. Virgil gently placed a hand on Dolon’s shoulder, making sure he was really okay with it. When he didn’t have an averse reaction to it, Virgil slowly pulled him into a hug. Dolon didn’t hug him back, which Virgil was fine with. He was just glad that he was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops
> 
> Well it’s been full of fluff for a while soooo angst had to hit us at some point right? *cries* 
> 
> I have this weirdly specific habit of starting a book/fic, writing and finishing three chapters of it, and leaving the fourth chapter either blank or as an incomplete draft. Like. Almost always chapter four. So I’m hella proud of myself for finishing this chapter even if it is a little all over the place at times. I feel really good about where it’s going overall so yeah :3 
> 
> Hope y’all are still enjoying this lil adventure! Don’t worry, the others make an appearance soon. Sooner than you might think uwu 👀 okbyeily


	5. A Chance Encounter With a Yellow Lab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ tw/cw ⚠️ for suicide, depression, an anxiety/panic attack, and implied self harm ;-; The feels are here, stay safe kiddos 🖤

~ _Eight Months Later_ ~ 

Virgil sat in the passenger seat of his dad’s truck as the two of them went down the road. Silence filled the space between them like water until Virgil felt like he was drowning. He didn’t want to leave. He couldn’t. Not yet. 

After what felt like forty days and forty nights, the two of them arrived in Seattle. This was where his dad decided to move them to. A much bigger city with much different people. On any given day, Virgil would be thrilled. But it couldn’t have been any given day, could it? 

They pulled up to their new house. It was less than impressive but it made an attempt at being a house, so it would do. _It’s nothing compared to home_ , Virgil thought pessimistically. _We should be home right now, go the fuck home_. 

“This is it,” his father spoke dryly. 

“I hate it,” Virgil growled. 

“I figured you would. Listen... if you ever need to talk—”

“I’m going inside,” he cut his father off sharply as he exited the car, getting his suitcase from the back and dragging it through the house’s front door. 

It was small and unwelcoming, and Virgil was certain there was at least one cockroach in this place. Home sweet home. At least there seemed to be a kitchen, a laundry room, and other very basic necessities. Though Virgil was struggling to hold onto that last scrap of optimism he had. 

He walked through the house, finding a small bedroom. It felt more like a coffin than a bedroom — even without any furniture inside yet — and Virgil knew this was his. He set his suitcase by the door as he closed it and sat with his back against the wall.

He didn’t want to think right now. His thoughts would devour him from the inside out, leaving him as nothing but a husk of his former self. He made a feeble attempt to control his brain, but was unable to prevent the intrusive thoughts. 

_All your fault. All your fault. All your fault_. 

He wanted it to stop. He wanted the thoughts to stop. But he deserved them. He knew he did. 

~

Monday morning came into Virgil’s room and stabbed him through the chest, twisting the knife. He never even slept; it's not like he could, anyway. He didn’t want to go anywhere right now. He felt like vomiting. He felt like dying. He just wanted to lay in his bed until it swallowed him whole. 

Coco flew from her ledge and landed on Virgil’s chest. She chirped gently as she licked his face, trying to help him get up. Even in his sour mental state, he couldn’t help but smile at his soul spirit. 

“Morning,” he grumbled. “I guess you want me to get up, huh? Weird, usually you d...don’t care whether I go to school or not.” Coco grabbed his shirt with her feet, flying and trying to get him to sit up. “Okay, okay! J-Jesus, you have no chill sometimes.” 

Junior jumped into Virgil’s bed and took the covers in her mouth, ripping them off of him. Rory and Edison were both tugging at him to get him out of bed. Even Basil was slithering around Virgil's head trying to encourage him. The sight of Basil made Virgil’s heart hurt. 

“Fine, fine, fucking Christ, you guys!” 

After much persuasion from all five of them, he finally got dressed and ready for school. He did not feel mentally prepared to face today. He would rather do anything than walk to school today. 

He suddenly realised with startling clarity; he didn’t know _how_ to get to school. 

“Coco, how am I supposed to get there? We - we both know dad won’t wake up to take me.” She nuzzled against his neck, chirping quietly. “What, you want me to try? I don’t see the point, but whatever.”

He went to his father’s room, which was very much cluttered. “Dad. It’s Monday.” He got no response. “Dad!” He shook his father’s shoulders, which only made him grumble and turn over so his back faced Virgil. “See?” he murmured to Coco. 

Suddenly she was in the air, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him in the direction of the front door. Virgil wasn’t sure what she was up to but he trusted her judgement. 

They got out the door and Coco continued to drag him across the yard until they got to the side of the road. Virgil managed to piece together what she was trying to say. “Do you m...mean the bus? How do you know there even _is_ a bus? Our old school didn’t have one.” 

Just as he asked this, he heard the unexpected sound of a school bus approaching. He suddenly had several questions that he would probably never get the answers to. 

“Convenient bus is convenient, I guess,” he joked. “But how did you know?” He glanced at Coco, but she only licked his cheek. What an enigma. 

The bus pulled up, the doors opening, and Virgil reluctantly got inside. He was suddenly hit with a nervous energy. He took a few deep breaths as he found an empty seat, occupying himself there and hoping — praying, even — that no one would want to sit beside him. 

The bus rumbled along, Virgil becoming lost in thought. He was suddenly attacked with memories from Wyoming. He tried to shake them but they held on tightly. Images he couldn’t get out of his head, words he couldn’t get out of his mind, scars he would never get off his skin. He had been almost seven months clean. No more. 

After a while of battling his brain, he finally arrived at his new high school. He was not excited in the slightest. In fact, he would rather live in a garbage can than go to school today. However, he knew it was inevitable, so he got to his feet and stepped off the bus. 

The building’s size alone was enough to intimidate him into making a run for it. He swallowed his fear and made his way into the building. He was supposed to talk to the school’s principal as soon as he arrived, so he set out to find their office. 

It didn’t take long to locate, and when he knocked on the door, a man holding his... rabbit soul spirit opened it. Virgil would have expected him to have something more intimidating like a tiger or a bear — or an eagle like his old principal had — certainly not an innocent little desert cottontail. He still decided to keep his guard up just to be safe. 

“Hello! Are you the new student?” Virgil nodded his head in a silent response. The principal’s smile grew. “Nice to meet you! I’m Mr Sanders!” He held his hand out to shake, still holding his soul spirit in his other arm. Virgil reluctantly shook it, staring at the rabbit as it stared back at him. Mr Sanders noticed this and chuckled. “Let me guess; you weren’t expecting a rabbit.”

Virgil couldn’t help the blush that brushed his cheeks. “Well, uh, I - I wasn’t gonna s-say anything—”

“Don’t worry about it! A lot of people expect a principal to have some scary soul spirit to keep em in line, but I don’t need that. I don’t wanna scare my students, I just wanna help ‘em! Just out of curiosity, what did your old principal have?”

Virgil grinned. “An..." He struggled to finish his sentence. "An eagle. Sorry I - I suck at t-talking.”

“That’s okay! Anyway, why don’t you come on in? I’ve got your schedule and locker combo, and someone’s gonna swing by in a few minutes to show you around.” 

He stepped inside Mr Sanders office, his eyes immediately falling onto a Steven Universe poster. He grinned for the briefest moment when he thought of Emile. But then he remembered... Emile....

“You like Steven Universe?” Mr Sanders asked as he flipped through papers on his desk. 

Virgil nodded. “Yeah. It’s... one of my favourite shows. I had - had a friend back home who would k... _kill_ to have that poster.” 

Mr Sanders handed him a sheet of paper with his schedule and locker combination on it. “You’re homesick, aren’t you?” Virgil looked away, the blush on his cheeks returning as he nodded. “Don’t worry, that’s normal. We’ll make this place your new home, alright? Remember, my door is always open, and so is the counsellor’s. You’re not alone here.”

Mr Sanders seemed so kind and understanding. Perhaps that was why he had a rabbit as a soul spirit. Then again, Virgil had no idea why people got their soul spirits. It was a nice theory, though. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“No need to thank me, Virgil! I’m happy to help you however I can!”

Before Virgil could respond, Coco screeched and started flying around Virgil’s head. Why was she acting up so much today already? “God, I’m - I’m so sorry about her, she’s b-been acting weird all morning.”

Mr Sanders chuckled. “Well, you know what they say; there’s, uh, there’s a reason for everything... that a soul spirit does.”

The suddenly flighty bat grabbed Virgil’s sleeve as she had done this morning and tried to drag him towards the door. “Coco, c-calm down!”

“Coco! Like the Disney movie!”

Virgil paused for a moment. “Y-Yeah. Whatever.” Before either of them could say anything else, the door swung open and something knocked Virgil off his feet. 

Virgil’s fight or flight instinct was about to kick in until he felt something licking his face. He soon realised what it was. “J-Junior?” he asked in bewilderment. 

“Coco?” he heard a new voice say in equal confusion. He looked around, trying to absorb what had happened. 

Someone had walked into the office — someone with the _real_ Junior no less — and they were currently holding Coco to their chest. His heart fell into his stomach as he realised what was happening. No. Please, no. 

He made eye contact with Junior’s owner. They seemed excited, but Virgil was very much not. Why here? Why now? Why today? He didn’t want this right now, he couldn’t. 

“Oh... my goodness,” Mr Sanders murmured. “Are you two—”

“No,” Virgil spoke firmly. “We - we can’t b-be.”

“Well, why not, kiddo?” The mystery person finally spoke up. “This is Coco, right? Your soul spirit? And I know you know who Junior is. So we’re—!”

“D-Don’t!” Virgil cut him off. “Don’t say it! P-please. I can’t d...do this today. Not right n-now.”

They both became both confused and concerned. “What do you mean?” the student asked. 

“I don’t want a sou—” Virgil cut himself off. He didn’t even want to utter the word. “I don’t want this. Okay? It’s - it’s too much pressure, it’s t-too much s...socialising, it’s just... it’s too much, okay? I’m not... ready for this.”

The poor boy’s heart seemed to break. Virgil felt awful for hurting his feelings but he absolutely refused to have any soulmates right now. He wasn’t ready. 

“Virgil,” Mr Sanders began softly. “Have you... ever met one of your soulmates before?”

Virgil decided to lie and silently shake his head. Thinking about Dolon was too painful for him right now. The way he left him. He suddenly wondered how the principal knew he had more than one. Perhaps the boy standing by the door had mentioned having multiple and Mr Sanders drew upon that knowledge. 

“Well, maybe getting to know Patton will be better than you think. Maybe it’ll surprise you.”

Virgil shook his head again, more vigorously. “No. It’s... it’s not worth it. It doesn’t l-last. So just... sh-show me around the - the school or whatever, but... I’m not... ready for a... I’m not ready for _this_ , okay?” 

“That’s okay, kiddo,” Patton tried to sound encouraging but couldn’t quite hide the hint of sadness in his voice. “I’ll just... be your tour guide! Nothing more, unless you want more! How does that sound?”

He looked up at Patton, taking in his camp counsellor vibe. The light grey cardigan wrapped around his sky blue polo shirt like a scarf, his glasses with the golden circular frames, his shimmering baby blue eyes, his curly sandy brown hair that looked like it needed cut, the freckles dotting his face like constellations, and the sad smile he wore to presumably conceal his hurt feelings. Virgil hadn’t been here for more than ten minutes and he already made someone upset. He hated himself for that. 

“Yeah. F-Fine. Show me a...around, and that’s th-that.”

Patton’s smile brightened ever so slightly, but it still didn’t reach his eyes. “Great!” He reached down to help Virgil up, causing him to flinch ever so slightly. He needed to get his anxiety under control. He reluctantly took Patton’s hand, getting to his feet while Junior walked circles around him excitedly. Patton looked to the principal. “We’ll be out of your hair, then!”

Mr Sanders gave a small smile. “You make sure Virgil feels right at home! And Virgil?” Virgil looked towards him, worried about what he was going to stay. “Remember what I said; my door is always open.”

He simply nodded his head, wanting to speak but getting his words stuck in his throat. He silently followed Patton into the now empty hallway. Had the bell already rung? He must not have noticed, having been... distracted. 

“Well, let’s see,” Patton thought aloud. “This is the principal’s office, obviously, so... let me show you where the gym is!” 

Virgil cleared his throat. “Yeah, s-sure, I guess.”

He followed Patton as he lead him down the hallway. It was quiet for a moment until the chipper boy spoke up. “So your name’s Virgil, right?” Virgil nodded silently. “Well, I’m Patton! It’s nice to meet ya!”

Virgil didn’t want to say anything in return but he couldn’t be rude. He hated himself for how he was reacting as it was. “You too... I guess.”

They stopped in front of a pair of double doors. “Here’s the gym! It’s not my favourite class, but I always try to be a good _sport_!” 

Virgil smirked at the pun, scoffing. “Puns? Really?”

“Yup! They’re my specialty! When I’m thinking of sports puns, I always have a _ball_!” 

He rolled his eyes fondly, the smirk still on his face. “Well, I’ve got some jokes of my own. Watch out, they might _school_ ya.” 

Patton gasped loudly, the excitement on his face downright contagious. “ _No one has ever used a dad joke on me before_!” 

Virgil’s smile grew at Patton’s enthusiasm. “They might’ve been worried about being... _pun_ ished.”

Patton gasped again. “A pun... about _puns_. I’ve never been so proud of anyone before!” 

Virgil couldn’t contain his laughter. He immediately covered his mouth his his hand, blushing wildly. He didn’t want to bond with Patton right now, he couldn’t. “Um, uh, w-we should-d p-probably, uh, k-keep goin'. Uh, with the, uh... t-tour thingy.” He kept his eyes on the ground, not daring to look in Patton’s direction. 

“Yeah, of course! Maybe I’ll cool it with the puns. After all, I do know how to stay _classy_!” 

“Oh my god.”

They continued walking through the school, Patton making puns about every single classroom. Virgil didn’t mind puns but he had his limit just like everyone else and he was about to go ballistic. 

“This is the chemistry classroom,” Patton continued as he pointed to one of the rooms in the hallway they were in. “We actually have chemistry together.”

Virgil’s heart suddenly raced. “Wh-what? What do y-you mean by that? What are you t-talking about?”

Patton gave him a look of confusion. “We... both have chemistry. It’s your fourth period class.” He gestured to Virgil’s schedule, which said he had chemistry after English, algebra, and ASL. 

Virgil sighed softly, rubbing his face with his hand. “I’m sorry. I just... sorry.”

Patton paused for a moment before asking a question. “If you don’t mind me asking... why does the idea of having a soulmate bug ya so much? Soulmates are an exciting thing! Someone you connect with and bond with! Like you’re made for each other!”

Virgil didn’t want to talk about it one bit. “I j-just don’t... like it. That’s all.”

He decided to try again. “Well... when you said ‘it doesn’t last’... what did you mean by that, kiddo?”

Virgil wrapped his arms around himself, letting out another sigh. “When I was a baby... m-my mom died. She actually... died giving birth to me. Obviously, my - my parents were soulmates. And... I may not know what my d-dad was like before I was born, but... there's no way he's always been so... l-lifeless. So I don't want that in my life. That kind of... p-pain. For me or for....” He cut himself off, taking a deep breath. He rarely ever talked about his mom, but he knew he had to now. It wasn't necessarily the major reason behind his hatred of soulmates but it would do for now.

“I’m so sorry. I... can’t imagine something like that. It must be hard.”

Virgil shrugged. “It’s... fine. I was a b-baby, ya know? Don’t even know what she looked like; my dad either hid all her pictures or he burned them.” He paused before clearing his throat. “Just... k-keep that between us, alright? I don’t want everyone to peg me as the ‘half orphan boy that needs pity’.”

“Sure thing, kiddo,” Patton complied. He cleared his throat. “Well, I think I’ve shown you everything that I need to. Let me show you your locker next!”

They went to a hallway filled to the brim with lockers. Patton glanced at Virgil’s paper again to see his locker number. He took a few steps down the hall, finding the locker that matched the written number. 

“Here it is! It’s actually pretty close to my locker!”

Virgil gave him an unconvincing grin. “Funny,” he murmured as he began rotating the lock to open his locker. He got the door open on the first try, the emptiness of the locker staring at him. 

“Alright, well, I think that’s everything! Any questions?”

He sighed inwardly, still feeling guilty. “I... I’m sorry for... for being a - a dick.”

“Well, language, but you don’t have to be sorry! I enjoyed giving you a tour around the place!”

Virgil glanced in his direction. “R-really? Even after... ya know, in the o-office?”

“Well, I was kinda bummed at first when you said you hated soulmate stuff, but everyone feels differently about these things! You’re totally valid, don’t you worry! I mean we can still be friends, right? Unless you don’t wanna be! Which is fine! I just like ya, and I know Junior does too!”

He didn’t know what he wanted from Patton. Maybe he didn’t want anything at all. But there was something about the giddy, pun loving boy that he couldn’t shake. He liked Patton, he really did, but the soulmate thing scared him shitless. “I - I guess... w-we could,” he replied before he could stop himself. 

Patton’s face lit up. “Super! Well, unless you need anything else, I’ll see you third period, okay kiddo?” 

“S-sure thi-thing-g, P-Patton.” He waited until Patton and Junior were out of sight before letting himself crumple to the floor. 

He brought his knees to his chest as his back pressed against the lockers, unable to breathe as the panic attack hit full force. He saw Basil's ghostly presence in front of him, unable to understand how he was still here. Basil should be gone, just like Dolon. Seeing the snake soul spirit before him triggered another intense flashback.

_Virgil awoke that morning with a yawn. He expected Dolon to be by his side, but he was alone in his bed. He glanced around, unable to find him. He sat up and stretched, his back popping in a few places._

_He got to his feet and went to find Dolon and make sure he was okay. He checked the kitchen and the living room, unable to find him. He passed by the bathroom, the door just slightly ajar. He pushed it open with one finger._

_Dolon was in the bathtub. He wasn’t moving._

_He wasn’t moving._

_He wasn’t moving._

_All your fault. All your fault. All your fault_.

Virgil was brought out of the flashback when he felt something wet against his cheek. He jumped, still shaking and barely able to breathe. Junior's ghostly form had climbed into his lap, licking his face. He held her close, repeating his breathing exercise over and over again until the anxiety passed for the most part.

He shakily got to his feet and put his things in his locker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops :,)
> 
> Doesn’t help that I’m listening to MCR’s Welcome to the Black Parade right now *cries in g note*
> 
> Sorry it was so feelsy, I promise it’ll get happier at some point :,) pls don’t hate me ily kiddos 🖤


	6. Bad Puns and Hand Tattoos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ tw/cw ⚠️ anxiety/panic attack, self harm, and another flashback. Stay safe kiddos 🖤🖤🖤

Virgil drew on his hands all of second and third period. He wasn't in his first period — which was history — for very long but he used that time to mindlessly draw on himself as well. He always had a sharpie handy for moments like this, when he had no access to spicy food, ice cubes, or his fidget cube. His fidget cube actually sat in the pocket of his hoodie, but he was nervous about it being a distraction, even though not all the sides made sound. 

He had finished the vine wrapping around his middle finger and was about to move on to his ring finger when he saw the small heart shaped key tattooed there. The tattoo he had gotten with Dolon, who got a heart shaped lock on the same finger. The tattoo he suddenly wanted to peel off his skin and forget about forever. 

He decided to stop drawing on his hand for now. He stared up at the teacher, hearing almost none of what she was saying. How could he focus on anything, including work? He suddenly realised everyone was getting up out of their seats. Was class over already?

He packed up his things and walked out of his classroom. It was time for lunch now, which meant the school day was halfway through. He walked into the cafeteria and got his lunch, sitting at a table by himself. He stared down at his food, not making any sort of effort to eat it. He was absolutely starving, but the thought of eating still made his stomach churn and tie itself into knots. 

He glanced to his side and suddenly jumped upon seeing the peacock soul spirit beside him, his tail feathers on display. Taking another look, he realised this wasn't the ghostly form he normally saw. Fuck. 

A rather upset looking boy — with one hell of a tan, Virgil might add — walked up to him, seeming ready to pick a fight. "I have a bone to pick with you!"

Virgil groaned loudly in annoyance. "Please tell me this isn't _your_ bird." 

"Yes, we just happen to be soulmates, but believe you me, I don't quite see it."

"The feeling's mutual. So... what do you want, exactly?"

The boy crossed his arms. "You made Patton upset this morning! You told him you... didn't want to be soulmates! Which, by the way, doesn't make _any_ sense!"

Virgil rolled his eyes. "Listen, I already apologised to him—"

"Roman!" Patton's voice suddenly broke into their argument as he approached the two of them. "I told you I don't need you to—"

"Patton-Cake, I insist! He hurt your feelings, and he shall pay!"

Virgil couldn't help but chortle at how dramatic this Roman guy was. "What are you, Shakespeare or some shit?"

"Pandering will get you nowhere!" Roman exclaimed. "You're lucky I can't have a sword on school grounds, or you'd be dead already!"

"Of _course_ you have a sword." 

"I don't want anyone being killed with swords, kiddos!" Patton exclaimed. "Maybe we can all sit down and have a nice, calm discussion!"

Virgil scoffed. "I don't think Miss Congeniality here is capable of a 'nice, calm discussion'. He just threatened to stab me with a sword because I accidentally _hurt your feelings_."

"I didn't threaten to _stab_ you, Count Woe-laf!" Roman argued. "If I were to execute you with my sword, I would decapitate you!"

"Good to know, Princey."

"Come on, kiddos!" Patton chided, still attempting to keep the peace — as if any existed to begin with. "We're all soulmates here! Bonded like - like three pieces of paper that are glued together! Now let's just take a deep breath and have a bit of relaxing time, alright?"

Virgil sighed slowly, hating every second of this. He hated it substantially more when Patton and Roman sat at his table across from him. He got his fidget cube out of his pocket and started clicking buttons. 

"You use a fidget cube?" Roman asked, a hint of mockery in his voice. 

"Yeah," Virgil replied monotonously, not even looking up. "So?"

"Nothing. Just... observing."

Patton cleared his throat. "So, Roman, this is Virgil. He's new here. Virgil, this is Roman Grimwald! He's really nice once you get to know him!"

"I'm sure he is," Virgil sassed. Roman Grimwald? He glanced up at the theatrical boy. "Grimwald. Why do I know that name?"

"I must just be _that_ awesome!" Roman replied quickly, almost defensively. 

"Doubtful, but I'll consider the possibility." 

Patton forced an uncomfortable laugh. "C'mon, let's play nice. Please. Well, I'm Patton Howard! What about you, Virgil? What's your last name?"

"Virgil Nunya."

Patton cocked his head to one side. "Nunya?"

"Nunya business." Virgil couldn't help but smile as that was that first time that worked on anyone. 

Patton chuckled. "See, Roman? Told ya he made jokes!"

Roman crossed his arms. "Leave the joking to Patton, why don't you, Vomit-y Central? _His_ jokes are funny."

"Roman!" Patton scolded through gritted teeth. 

"Your mom is funny."

Roman narrowed his eyes. "That... doesn't really make sense."

"Your mom doesn't really make sense."

"Let's leave the moms out of this!" Patton declared. 

"Well, _your_ mom-!" Roman began making a joke of his own but faltered. "Sucks! Ha!"

Virgil scoffed. "You sound flustered." 

"Your _mom_ sounds flustered! Ha, look, I did it!" 

"Your mom did it."

"KIDDOS!" Patton shouted above the maternal nonsense. "It's getting a bit heated, let's chill out, alright?"

"I'm _cool_ with that." Virgil grinned as Patton laughed at his pun. 

"See? He can be funny, too!"

Roman paused before responding. "It was a fluke."

"Let's change the subject now!" Patton suggested. "Virgil, I _love_ the drawings on your hands!" 

Virgil glanced down at his hands, remembering the doodles he had done. "Th-thanks. I'm not finished with my left hand, though."

"You drew them yourself?" Patton asked, to which he nodded. "Mighty impressive, right Roman?"

Virgil prepared to hear him say something condescending but that's not what he got. "You can draw with both your hands?" 

Virgil's cheeks reddened. "Y-Yeah. I'm ambidextrous. Comes in handy sometimes."

Roman appeared to want to say something. Before he could, Patton cut in with a laugh. "I get it! _Handy_!" 

Virgil smirked. "That... actually wasn't intentional. Gotta love those accidental puns."

"So, what do all the drawings mean?" Patton asked. 

He glanced at his hands. "I - I dunno. I just sorta drew... what I thought would work. I mean, I did draw this sunflower because—" His blush deepened as he cleared his throat. "—uh, 'cause I - I wanted to. I wanna, um, p-practice drawing flowers." No way in hell would he admit he listened to Dodie Clark; that was one of his many _guilty_ pleasures. 

"What about the key on your ring finger?"

That question hollowed Virgil out and left him empty. He paused for a long moment until he heard his name bring him back down to Earth. "It's - it's n-nothing," he answered swiftly. "Just a - a stupid k-key." 

He fought back the flashback threatening to take over his mind. _No, don't think about it. Think about the fidget cube in your hand, use it. Think about Patton and Roman. Stupid Roman. Acting all entitled like some white knight come to rescue Patton. Focus on that emotion. Focus on anything. Anything._

"Virgil?" Patton spoke softly. "You okay, kiddo?"

Virgil quickly nodded his head. "Yeah, I - I - I just... n-need to go to the b-bathroom, I'll b-be right back." Without another word, he jumped to his feet and made his way to the restroom. 

\\\\\

"Roman, you scared him!" Patton hissed at him after Virgil left. 

"Oh, so what? That emo nightmare was as shady as... well, a shadow!"

"What do you mean by that?"

Roman scoffed. "We _are_ talking about the same person, correct? You saw him! In all his... dark edginess!"

Patton folded his arms across his chest. "You don't know what he's going through! You know what they say about assuming; it makes an 'as' out of 'su' and 'me'."

Roman squinted at him. "That... that is _not_ what people say, Pat." 

"Well, whatever! It's not nice to threaten people and call them names because of a misunderstanding!"

"Oh, I understand _completely_! He... he's a creepy cookie! And he's _rude_!" 

Patton shrugged. "Technically, you started it." Roman made an offended noise before Patton continued. "He was really nice while I was showing him around! A little on edge, but I think he's just nervous about being in a new school, and you're not helping! I know you've been stressed out lately with homework and... your parents," Patton felt bad when he saw Roman's reaction to the mention of his parents but continued. "But you can't take it out on others. Or else you're no better than the kids that were picking on you when we first met, remember?"

Roman begrudgingly saw his point. "Okay... _maybe_ you're right. I will try to be more... dignified, if that will make you happy." 

Patton smiled. "It will, thank you." He gave Roman a peck on the cheek, who practically melted from the affection.

\\\\\

_He checked the kitchen and the living room, unable to find him. He passed by the bathroom, the door just slightly ajar. He pushed it open with one finger._

_Dolon was in the bathtub. He wasn't moving._

_All your fault. All your fault. All your fault._

Virgil fought back against the words his thoughts spat at him as he sat hidden in one of the bathroom stalls.

_All your fault._

Stop it. Stop this. Please.

_All your fault._

He couldn't breathe, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't breathe in for four seconds. Every time he tried he coughed out more tears. He gripped his fidget cube tight, stroking one side with his thumb. 

_All your fault._

No, it's not. 

_Yes, it is._

Stop it. 

_Never._

Eventually, Virgil was able to do his breathing exercise. In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. Over and over. He couldn't seem to stop. He didn't want to face whatever lie beyond this bathroom stall. He just wanted to run as far away as he possibly could. He wanted to run away with Dolon. 

_"Run away with me," Dolon said to Virgil as they sat in the latter's room._

_Virgil glanced over at him. "What?"_

_"You heard me. Let's run away together. You and me. Fuck this town and everyone in it. We'll go... anywhere. Where do you wanna go? We can make it happen."_

_Virgil was unsure of how to reply. "Um... I guess I'd rather live in Canada. Better healthcare, it's my kinda weather, plus they actually like gays."_

_Dolon smiled at him. "We'll do it, then. We'll go to Canada. Montreal? Toronto? Vancouver?"_

_"Anywhere, as long as you're with me."_

_He took Virgil's hand. "Let's go tonight. Let's say goodbye to this town. Please."_

_Virgil looked down at their hands, their fingers interlocked. "How - How would we... do that? Don't we need money?"_

_"My parents have plenty of that. I've had my dad's credit card information memorised for years, we can do this."_

_Virgil was concerned about his soulmate. "Where is this coming from, Dee?"_

_"What do you mean? I've always wanted to run away. Now I'm not just talking about it and I'm actually doing something about it. And I want you to come with me."_

_He thought for a moment, weighing the pros and cons. "I - I don't know... it sounds... a bit scary. Being out there on our own."_

_"Don't worry. We'll go to Canada, we'll find jobs, we'll do what we need to. And we'll do it together. I love you, Virge."_

_He smiled weakly. "I love you too, Dee. But... I... I feel like we need to think this through more."_

_"I've been thinking this through for... hell, ever. What's more to consider? I'm ready. Are you?"_

He finally snapped out of it. His breathing had regulated and the panic had stopped. He looked down at his arm where he had been subconsciously scratching until the skin was red and raw. It was far too easy to relapse these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for a shorter chapter with so much angst but hey two updates in one day, I’m on fire!!! I’m the angst god :,)
> 
> I really hope to do this fic justice, am I doing good so far? I’d like to think so much I’m never sure haha I’m honestly just amazed that I’ve been updating this so frequently, like the words just seem to write themselves haha I’m proud of myself for working so hard on it ^^
> 
> Anyway here’s some tissues 🧻 and a teddy bear to hug 🧸 and a cookie 🍪 you probably need all of them 🖤
> 
> Also thanks to everyone who has left a comment, gave this fic kudos, or even just decided to read chapter one. Like your support means the world to me and it really motivates me to pump out these angsty chapters 🖤 I’m feeling soft cos I just really appreciate every single one of you, even though I seem to be working _extremely_ hard to make you cry haha
> 
> Anyway I love y’all and that’s the tea thanks for reading 🖤🖤🖤


	7. Name a More Ionic Duo, I'll Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually don’t think there’s any triggers I need to warn about — there is a bit of self doubt and some self esteem issues — but lemme know if I missed one kiddos!! 🖤

By the time Virgil returned to the cafeteria, lunch had ended and everyone was leaving to go to their respective classrooms. He gathered his things and tossed his full plate of food into the bin, heading to his fourth period class. 

Oh no. Chemistry. The class he shared with Patton. 

He made his way there, feeling sick to his stomach. Would Patton want them to sit next to each other? Would he want to talk to Virgil at all? He walked through the classroom door, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone as he sat down in the first empty chair he saw. He hoped no one sat here, it would be awkward if he had to move. 

He took some deep breaths as he opened his sharpie and continued drawing on his hand. He had begun drawing D.va's logo from Overwatch when he saw someone approach him out of the corner of his eye. His fight or flight instincts kicked in out of the blue, causing him to jump to his feet. "Is - is this y-your seat? I'm - I'm so-sorry."

He realised the person in front of him was Patton and he paled. "No, no, no! I was just making sure you were alright, kiddo! You kinda vanished for a while."

Virgil took a deep breath, lowering back into his seat. "I'm f-f-fine. Just... fine." 

"You sure? I know first days can be stressful, and I wanna make sure you're... okay. That you're... adjusting well." 

Why does he care? He doesn't know Virgil, not really, only that they're soulmates and that Virgil doesn't like it. "Well, why... w-wouldn't I be?"

"Have you ever moved to a whole 'nother state before?" 

Virgil shook his head. "I've actually... n-never moved at _all_ b-before."

"Well, see? Of course it'll be a rough transition! But I'm here for ya, kiddo. Whatever you need, you can count on me!"

His words softened Virgil's tough façade. He was actually reminded of Remy in some small way. But he still didn't understand Patton's motives. "Why do you... wanna be my friend so much? I'm not exactly fun to be around."

Patton thought for a second. "I just... like ya! You seem... different from everyone else I've ever met!"

"Different how?"

"In a good way, I promise! I just... well, I dunno what it is, really. You just seem... super!"

Virgil scoffed. "I'm _anything_ but super." 

"How bout duper!"

He rolled his eyes. "No, I mean I'm not all that... great. Really. You're a happy, bubbly, outgoing dude who has the energy of a... freaking chihuahua. I, on the other hand, am a brooding, emo mess of a human being who hasn't felt happiness in—" He cut himself off before he said too much. What is it about Patton that made him actually open up about his feelings? "Well, you're - you're better off without me, let's leave it at that."

"That's not true at _all_ , kiddo!" Patton disagreed. "Everyone has their flaws, sure, but you've also got good qualities that make you special!"

"Like what?"

He thought for a moment. "Well... you're a great artist!" He gestured to Virgil's ink covered hands. "You've got dad jokes to spare! Your laugh is really cute, too! That's three just off the top of my head!"

He blushed hearing Patton compliment him. "I - I don't see how that... makes me a good person."

"I may not know you that well, but by golly, I know you're as kind and empathetic as they come!" Before they could continue talking, the teacher told everyone to take their seats. "You wanna sit with me, kiddo? You don't have to, feel free to say no, but you can if you want."

He couldn't figure out for the life of him what he wanted. He felt like being alone but something about Patton drew him in. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but he couldn't bring himself to say no. "S-s-sure, I - I guess-ss." He mentally kicked himself for his damn stutter. 

Patton's face lit up as he lead Virgil to his table, which remained empty until the two of them sat down. Virgil figured Patton would have plenty of friends all sitting with him. He wondered why that wasn't the case but didn't want to ask. 

Patton was about to sit down until he realised something. "Actually, I need to, uh, tell the teacher something," he murmured before going to the teacher's desk. Virgil couldn't hear their conversation but he was more focused on the porcupine soul spirit that sat atop the desk. It seemed to stare at him as though trying to intimidate him. He didn't like it. 

Patton returned to the table, sitting on Virgil's left side. He wondered what they were talking about but decided it wasn't his business to ask. Besides, he would much rather sit here in silence. 

As the teacher began talking, Virgil zoned out entirely, getting lost in thought. Or, more accurately, getting into an argument with his thoughts. 

_You should open up to Patton more._

_What? No._

_He can help you feel better, he seems nice._

_I don't care how nice he seems, I'm not telling him shit._

_Why not? He seems trustworthy._

_No one is trustworthy, not really. I'm on my own in this._

_You don't have to be. He said you can count on him, why don't you believe him?_

_Why should I? Because he's my stupid soulmate?_

_Because he's not like other people. He seems genuine._

_I don't care. I won't get hurt again. Period._

"Virgil?" Patton's hushed voice snapped him out of his thoughts. 

"Wh-What?" he murmured. 

"Do you know what you're doing or do you need help?" Patton whispered. 

Virgil smirked. "That's a very broad question, Pat."

He chuckled quietly. "I mean with the worksheet." 

Virgil glanced at the paper in front of him. When did he get this? It was a chemical bonding worksheet in which he had to determine if the listed elements are metals or non-metals and then describe the bonding that occurs in the compounds. He hated this tedious shit but he knew he had to figure it out. He at least had a very basic idea of what he was doing but had an inkling he would do it wrong. 

"I... think I'm good for now. It just... hurts my head l-looking at this stuff." 

"I hear ya there. Just let me know if you need any help." 

Virgil glanced over at him, suddenly noticing what he had already written on his sheet. He didn't mean to look, but there was a mistake on the paper that was practically screaming at him. "Actually...." He felt bad poking his nose where it didn't belong. Patton might get upset with him. 

"What is it, kiddo?"

A blush crept onto Virgil's face. "I - I just... um, I c-couldn't help but notice you... listed this c-compound as having a covalent b-bond. Sodium is - is a metal — it's actually one of the a-alkali metals — which makes it an ionic bond, not c-covalent."

Patton glanced at his paper. "Oh! I completely forgot about that. Thanks, kiddo!" 

The blush on his face got significantly warmer. "It's - It's nothing, I just... got lucky." 

"No, you're real smart! You should give yourself more credit." 

Virgil couldn't help but smile. "Th-thanks, Pat."

"No problem! I mean, I thought I was the chemist here. After all, I do have a _lab_!" He gestured to Junior, who sat next to Patton's chair. 

Virgil scoffed. "You got ch-chemistry jokes too, huh? Well... what d-do you do with a dead chemist?"

Patton seemed surprised by the question. "Uh, I dunno."

He grinned. "You _barium_." 

Patton covered his mouth to keep from laughing too loudly. Virgil's smile widened, though he tried to control it. Why was he bonding with Patton so much — no pun intended that time. He didn't want to at all. 

"You're funny, did you know that?" Patton whispered. 

Virgil shrugged. "I... do what I can to get by in the world of comedy, sarcasm, and memes."

"Well, I _love_ it." 

Virgil scratched the back of his head, tempted to say something but holding back. Should he ask? No, he didn't want to seem vulnerable. Why couldn't things just be simple? Why did Coco have to drag him out of bed? Why did he listen to her?

Soon — but not soon enough — class was over. The teacher handed out their homework and Virgil felt nauseous upon seeing it. It was about bonds and electronegativity. Yuck. 

"God, I hate the electronegativity stuff. I can never remember how to... remember that stuff."

"I'd say I'm pretty good with it!" Patton said. "I could always help you through it, if you want!"

Virgil paled. "You mean... _a-after_ school?" 

"Like I said, only if you want! I don't want ya to feel pressured or anything!"

He had to admit, the thought of seeing Patton outside of school made him insanely anxious. He really just wanted to run out of class as quickly as possible. But something in his heart told him to say yes, and he listened. "Um... I mean-n I - I g-guess, or what...whatev-ever. I - I - I - ugh, sor-sorry, I—"

"You're okay, kiddo, take your time!" Patton encouraged. 

Virgil took a deep breath. "I... guess that would... w-work. Uh... do you, like, n-need my number or - or something? How - how, uh, how does this w-work?"

"Well, you could give me your number now and we can figure out where to meet up later! Is that alright, kiddo?"

Virgil nodded shyly, still unsure of why he was unable to say no to Patton but wishing he could. He wrote his number on Patton's hand with his sharpie, hoping that would be that, but of course Patton offered to walk Virgil to class. 

"Where ya headin' next?"

"Art; the one class I dare say I'm actually looking f...forward to a small bit."

"Oh! I think Roman has that class this period too!"

Virgil huffed a sigh. "And suddenly I'm not looking forward t-to it anymore."

"Aw, shucks, don't say that! I am sorry for his, uh... unfortunate outburst at lunch, but he's been under a lot of stress recently. Not that I'm excusing him or anything! I'm just saying, he - he might've, ya know, gotten a little, teensy, tiny, itty, bitty, uh... overloaded."

Virgil rolled his eyes. "I understand stress, but that doesn't mean you should threaten people with swords."

"I know! Believe me, I do! Roman is just... well, _Roman_. He's-"

"Unbelievably extra?"

"Well, he can be, but he's also... protective. Not just of me, but his friends and family, too. So his, uh, his stress plus me talking to him about meeting you... he must've just... found a way to get all his stress out. In an unhealthy way, sure, but... I promise he's a super sweet, charming guy! He's just got a lot going on, which lead to a very unfortunate first impression. Don't get me wrong, I'm holding him accountable, I just don't want ya to think he's _always_ like this!" 

Virgil nodded, understanding what he meant. "That's... insightful."

Patton shrugged. "I've known him since I was, like, five or six! I know him pretty well by now!"

He grinned slightly. "Must be nice." 

Patton paused for a moment. "If you wanna try getting on his good side, I recommend Disney references! Roman _adores_ Disney!" 

He nodded. "Good to know. I'll keep that in mind."

They eventually got to the art room, where Patton bid Virgil adieu. Virgil walked into the room, where the teacher directed him to his seat. Yep. There Roman sat. It's almost like the teacher somehow knew. 

He reluctantly made his way to his assigned seat, not making any sort of eye contact with the drama queen in question. He felt as though he sat at hell's gate and Lucifer just happened to be his soulmate. 

"Virgil," Roman began softly, and Virgil prepared for the worst. "I would like to... apologise."

Okay, that was unexpected. "Wait... what?"

"I... lost my temper earlier. Therefore, I... I am sorry. It was rude of me to attack you over something so trivial. It's just been... a difficult week for me lately, and I took it out on you. That was unfair of me. So... I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me."

Virgil wasn't quite sure how to respond. "I'm... not sure how to react to you... apologising to me."

"Yes, I'm sure I came across as a... brutish, self-centred jerk. It pains me to think that I made you feel that way. However, it would mean the world to me if we could... start over." 

Virgil paused as he absorbed what Roman was saying to him. He didn't want to forgive Roman, simply because that would make it easier for him. But he just sounded so sincere in his words and Virgil couldn't ignore that. He sighed softly. "Sure, wh-whatever."

"Thank you, I appreciate that." 

"But d-don't expect me to... trust you."

Roman nodded. "That is completely fair."

"And honestly, I-I'm not s-sure if I can trust P-P-Patton, either. He - he seems like a really g-good person, but... t-trust isn't something I - I hand out like c-candy."

He paused for a moment, and Virgil wondered if he was plotting his death. "That... is also... fair. Although, if I may say so, Patton is one of the most trustworthy people I know."

"You're only s-saying that bec-cause you're soulmates."

"Well, I have also known him since I was, like, six, so... yeah."

Touché. "Well, sadly, I don't have that advantage. All I have is an a-attitude problem and every MCR lyric ever memorised."

Roman laughed at that. "Somehow, I'm not surprised." 

Virgil suddenly realised this could qualify as friendly banter. He hated it with a passion. So it wasn't just Patton, this had to be a soulmate thing. Stupid soulmates. 

"So," Roman began. "Well, on the subject of soulmates... why are you so against the idea of having any?"

There it is. The inevitable question. Virgil sighed quietly. "I... really d-don't wanna ta-talk about it, alright? I'm j-just not... ready-y f-for it."

"That's okay! Don't worry about it! You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to!"

He paused momentarily. "Tha-thanks, I g-guess." He grinned ever so slightly. "You - you know, R-Roman... you can be a... 'real articulate fella'."

Roman gasped dramatically. "Did you just make a Zootopia reference?"

Virgil's smile widened. "You caught on p...pretty quick. Quick as a... _bunny_."

Roman didn't seem to know how to react. "Well, now we have to talk Disney movies for the rest of our lives!"

"That sounds like a lot." 

"Well, 'just like everybody else, I've got a dream'! And that dream is to talk about Disney movies nonstop until I die."

Virgil smirked. "You just made a Disney reference and a Hamilton reference in the same sentence and I'm here for it."

Roman seemed to brighten up even more. "You like Disney _and_ Hamilton? I'm... this is... I just... this is suddenly the best day of my life!" 

Virgil was starting to regret pandering to Roman's love of Disney. He didn't want to actually like him as a person and now they're... getting along. He didn't want to fall for his other soulmates only to lose them too. He didn't want to do that to himself, he couldn't. But the conversations were so organic and he couldn't stop himself. 

_Face it_ , his thoughts scolded. _You're trying to replace Dolon. That's what this whole thing has been about but you were too scared to admit it. Moving on awful quickly, I see._

But that's not it. That couldn't be it. 

_It is. Because you know it was all your fault and now you can't face it._

No. 

_All your fault._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's so late for me man why am I writing :,)
> 
> Sorry if this chapter seems lacklustre, I promise I tried lmao it's just difficult at times plus it's THREE A.M. 🙃
> 
> I'm gonna publish this and sleep for 35 years so peace out kiddos ily!! ✌🏻
> 
> Also big thanks to @50Lizardsinatrenchcoat for correcting my chemistry stuff cos I didn’t realise sodium was an alkali metal. They’re a much smarter cookie than I am apparently haha


	8. When You Accidentally Flirt and Regret All Your Life Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I've been in a creative slump and I haven't been happy with this chapter but I feel kinda better about it now I just feel HORRIBLE for taking so long to actually post it ;-;
> 
> Also hi I have chapter titles now ain't they great lol
> 
> ⚠️ tw/cw ⚠️ for an anxiety/panic attack, mention of self harm relapse, and basically a lot of tears. Not much to warn about for this one but let me know if I missed anything. Stay safe kiddos 🖤 (plus spoilers for the end of Inside Out and Coco a small bit lmao) 
> 
> *whispers* there may also be some minor fluff uwu you're welcome

"We have a new student today," the art teacher announced as she started class. "Virgil Esmund, would you like to tell us about yourself?"

No. No. No. No. _Please_ no. 

"Virgil?" Roman murmured. "You okay?"

He had his arms wrapped around himself, all but hyperventilating at the mere thought of addressing the entire class. He didn't want to have an anxiety attack right here, right now. Especially in front of Roman. He would be too embarrassed to come back into this classroom. 

"You don't have to if you don't want to," the teacher reassured him. "I know that a lot of students don't like talking in front of the class." 

He couldn't even respond to her, knowing that if he tried his anxiety would take over completely. Luckily, she took his silence as an answer, and moved on to talk about the project they were being assigned this week. As she spoke, he did his breathing exercise, quietly pressing buttons on his fidget cube in his pocket. 

After five or so minutes of repetitive breathing, he could finally focus. He hadn't been able to pay attention as he was in the process of lowering his anxiety, so he had no idea what their assigned project was. He glanced at the chalkboard and saw the details written there. A flip-book? He sighed inwardly, not knowing how to effectively make one, though he had seen them before himself. 

"You okay?" Roman whispered to him, catching him off-guard. 

Virgil glanced in his direction. "Y-Y-Yeah," he whispered back. "Wh-Why?" 

"I just... couldn't help but notice you were doing breathing exercises. The 4, 7, 8 exercise; that's one of the ones we learned in theatre in case we get nervous about going on stage. So... are you sure you're alright?"

He paused for a moment, sighing again. "Why... why w-wouldn't I b-be?"

"Just making sure. Do you know what you're doing? Like, for the project I mean?"

"I'll... c-come up wi-with s...something for - for it."

"I'm going Disney themed," Roman said with a smile. 

Virgil scoffed. "I'm sh-shocked to - to say the least." 

His smile widened. "Yeah, I know. I'm drawing Ariel; she's one of my favourite Disney princesses. Do you have a favourite Disney Princess?"

Virgil thought for a moment about who qualifies as a "princess". "M-Mulan counts as a Disney P-Princess, right? Even though sh-she's not t-technically a princess?" 

"She does, and that is such a good choice!" Roman was struggling to keep his voice down. 

"Oh, and Tiana. God, that movie is _such_ a classic, but I feel like it's super under-appreciated."

"Right? Like, why are we not talking about Princess and the Frog more often these days?" 

"You said it, Princey."

Roman paused before continuing. "Why do you keep calling me Princey?"

Virgil raised an eyebrow at him. "Is it not obvious?" It was quite difficult to process just how... "princely" Roman truly looked. Dressed in his white button-up shirt and bright red silk scarf, red skin-tight jeans to match. The icing on the cake was his gold satin jacket that went halfway to his waist. Even his floppy rainbow-coloured locks and bright green eyes added to the royal look. Those eyes. They reminded Virgil of—

No. Don't think about that. 

Roman scoffed. "What? Because I care about my appearance?"

"Well... it-it's not j-just that. It's just th-this whole a...aura you g-give off. This aura of 'I'm royalty, bow down to me'." 

He paused for a moment. "Is that a... bad thing?"

Virgil shrugged. "Not ne-necessarily. I guess it just means you're... c-confident." 

He nodded minutely, glancing down at his outfit. "It's the scarf, isn't it?"

Virgil couldn't help but softly chuckle. "That and the _gold satin jacket_." 

Roman laughed with him. "Hey, I love this thing!" He held his arm out. "Feel how silky smooth that is, just _feel_ it." 

Virgil rolled his eyes as he stroked the material with his hand. Roman was right; silky smooth. "Well, you're _not_ wrong." He suddenly realised the reality of what he was doing and how awkward it was. He took his hand back, feeling a strong heat in his cheeks and hating himself for being such an idiot. 

"Feels even better when you're actually wearing it." Roman flashed him a grin, causing him to blush even deeper. 

"Y-y-yup. I - I be-bet it d-does." He cleared his throat, trying his damnedest to stop stuttering. "I'm s...sorry. I - I can't stop-p this s-s-stupid s...stutter, _fuck_."

"No, you're alright. Is there anything I can do to help you with it?"

He took a deep breath. "I... d-don't think so-o. It's j-just so a...annoying."

"It seems to come and go, what makes it less... obvious?"

He took one more deep breath. "It - it s-seems to f-flare up when I'm a-anxious or s...something. I r...really don't kn-know. It's fair-fairly n-new, so it-it's hard t...t...to pinpoint wh-what exactly c-causes it." 

Roman paused slightly. "Would it help if you... took a break from talking? To... catch your breath a bit?"

Virgil shrugged. "May-maybe. W-we should b-both get to w...w...-"

"'Work'?" Roman finished for him. 

Virgil nodded, mildly frustrated. "Y-Yeah. We need to - to work."

Roman nodded with him. "Let me know if there's anything you need." 

It hurt Virgil's heart that Roman was being more friendly toward him. It was so much easier to reject the idea of the two of them being soulmates when they were at each other's throats. He didn't want to like Roman and he didn't want to like Patton, either. More importantly, he didn't want them to like him.

He stared down at the booklet of blank pages the teacher had handed out for the project, waiting for inspiration to strike. His mind was too full of static to focus on art, for once in his life. It was odd to him how the one time he actually needed to draw, he couldn't think of anything. 

He took a deep breath, struggling against the ocean in his head trying to drown him. It always felt like he was drowning. He didn't know what he was drowning in, but he couldn't get to the surface. He decided that's what he would draw; his struggle to reach the surface. 

He began drawing the first frame of the "animation" his flip-book would create. He got lost in his drawing, as he often did with his art. He became so focused, in fact, that he almost didn't realise class had ended. 

"Virgil." Roman's voice snapped him out of his trance. 

Virgil glanced over at him. "What?" He glanced around, realising they were the only ones left in the room. "Oh. I... lost track of time."

"Clearly," Roman joked as they both began packing their things to go to their last classes of the day. "Um... so, just out of curiosity... are you interested in joining any school clubs?"

Virgil gave him a weird look as they exited the classroom. "What? I dunno, why?"

"I'm just wondering. I happen to be in a couple clubs myself and was curious if I would see you in one of them."

"Which ones are you in?"

"Drama club, film club, and Spanish club. And I just so happen to be the president of the drama club." This information was not the least bit surprising. 

"Well, drama club sounds like my own personal hell, film club intrigues me greatly, and, uh... no sabia que hablas Español."

Roman grinned. "Si. Hablo español, inglés, italiano, y francés."

"Muy impresionante."

"Gracias, ángel oscuro."

Virgil's cheeks instantly reddened at the nickname translating to "dark angel". Was Roman trying to _flirt_? In _Spanish_ no less? Why would he be flirting with Virgil? His anxiety suddenly heightened as he remembered somewhere else he had heard that phrase. 

"Sorry, was the nickname too much?" Roman's voice cut through Virgil's thoughts. "I get really flirty in Spanish." 

"It-it's fine, R-Roman. It's wh-whatever." He saw the doors to the gym and was finally able to escape this suddenly awkward conversation. "I - I need to g-go to gym." With that, he picked up the pace and walked through the doors, blinking back the tears that formed in his eyes. 

\\\\\

Patton sat in his seat giving Junior a belly rub as he waited for Roman to get there. He was nervous and excited to know how art class went for him, since Virgil was in that class. He hoped everything went well but was also prepared for bad news. 

He saw Roman walk through the door and brightened up. However, seeing the dejected look on Roman's face, he deflated a small bit. Roman sat at the desk in front of him, letting out a hefty sigh. 

"So... how was class?" Patton asked cautiously yet optimistically. 

"It was fine, I suppose," he replied, petting Junior as she tried to jump into his lap. 

"Virgil was there, right? Did you talk to him?"

Roman sighed yet again. "Yes, he was. We actually sat next to each other. It went fine, or so I thought! I apologised to him and he accepted my apology and it was fine! He seemed to tense up when Ms Carney asked him to introduce himself, but otherwise, I thought our interaction was... good!" Patton had a feeling an introduction to the class would make him anxious; that was why he asked their chemistry teacher not to make him do so. "We even talked about Disney for a while, so it seemed to be going fine! But then I... I might have ruined it."

Patton tilted his head to the side. "What do you mean? You weren't mean to him again, were you?"

"No! Of course not! If I was, it was certainly not my intention! But, well, I was asking him if he wanted to join any clubs, so Spanish club came up in the conversation. Turns out, he speaks Spanish. Which lead to me... kinda... sorta... flirting with him."

Patton smiled. "Aw, you flirted?" Realisation hit. "Wait... you _flirted_? After all the soulmate stuff?"

"Yeah, I know, I know, the way he reacted to it made me feel so bad but you know how I get when I'm speaking Spanish, it's the language of love! I think. Well, whatever, I just can't help myself sometimes."

"Well, what did you say?" 

Roman's cheeks tinted pink. "I... called him... 'ángel oscuro'." Patton looked confused. "That means 'dark angel'." 

Oh. _Oh_. That does sound rather romantic, Patton had to admit. "Well... that's not _so_ bad, right? It's just a harmless little nickname! Sure, it sounds extra flirty at first but maybe he'll... uh, realise that's all it was. Just a nickname. Right? You _do_ come up with a lot of nicknames!" 

Roman nodded. "That is true. I just... it's weird to me that flirting can be interpreted as a bad thing." 

"He just really doesn't like all that soulmate stuff, that's all."

"Why _is_ that?" Roman asked more to himself than to Patton, though Patton did know the answer. "Soulmates are such a wonderful part of life! You and Logan are the best parts of my own life! How can anyone perceive such a thing as... negative?"

Patton hated knowing more than Roman in this context, though he knew he couldn't betray Virgil's trust by telling his secret. He would _never_ do that to him. "Well, you never know what someone has gone through unless they tell ya, right? So who knows why Virgil doesn't like soulmates? We just shouldn't judge him for it."

"Of course not. I just... wish I understood, is all."

"Yeah, I know. Maybe... one day... he'll open up to us." 

Roman nodded. "Perhaps. Oh... and when do you think we should tell him about... you know... Logan?"

That was an excellent question and Patton had no good answer for it. "Definitely not yet. But I don't think we should keep that a secret." Patton sighed softly. "This is too complicated."

"You're telling me. Although, we should tell Logan about this whole... thing."

Patton nodded. "Yup! I'll text him after class!"

Roman frowned slightly. "I miss him."

Patton gave him a look of sympathy. "I know. So do I, kiddo. He'll be back before we know it! It's January, so we just need to wait... what, three months now? And I mean, since he's in the future, it's like he's back already!"

Roman grinned. "Patton, that's not how time zones...." He decided to change the subject, clearing his throat. "So... how do you think we win over Brad Pitiful?"

Patton thought for a moment. "Well... I think the best thing we can do is give him the space he needs while also letting him know we're here to... listen if he ever needs to talk. Just be there for him, but not... overwhelm him."

Roman sighed. "You're right. We should... give him time. Ugh, I've been _so_ looking forward to meeting one of our other soulmates, and now one of them is here and... well...." 

"Yeah, I was excited too, but we need to make Virgil feel as comfortable as possible. And if that means ignoring the soulmate thing for now, then that's what we need to do!"

He nodded in agreement. "Yes, you're right. Of course you're right." He reached over and took Patton's hand, a smile forming on both their faces. "I think if anyone could win him over, it's you."

Patton's cheeks reddened as his smile widened. "Aw, shucks, Ro. You're too much." 

Roman brought Patton's hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles. "You certainly won _me_ over."

Patton practically melted in his seat. "Ro! Gosh, I love you so much!"

"I love you too, Patton-Cake." 

\\\\\

After gym, Virgil was ready to collapse; he was most definitely _not_ one for physical activity. All he wanted was to lay in his bed and never leave it. He then remembered what he had said to Patton after chemistry. Looking back now, he felt like a complete idiot. Why did he have to say yes to him? What a stupid mistake.

Once he got his belongings out of his locker, he waited outside for his dad to pick him up. He may not take him to school in the mornings, but he always picks him up afterwards. Almost always. 

As he waited, he decided to text Remy. He debated whether or not to mention meeting... Patton and Roman, but ultimately decided it was best to keep that to himself for now. Remy would likely tell him to "charge into love's battlefield" or some lovey-dovey bullshit. 

V: hey, im out of school for the day. what's up

R: omg hi bae!!! nuthin much wbu?

V: waiting for my dad to come get me. how are you and the others doin?

R: we miss u. like a lot. we luv u sm babe 💜

V: ilyt but it's only been like a week or two lol

R: tru but still

R: have u been makin frens? we talked about u trying to put urself out there more

V: im trying but it's intimidating. i think i got like two people to like me? maybe?

R: yassss queen gettem!!! 2 frens in 1 day im so proud :,)

V: shut up lmao im not gonna call them "frens" just yet. i JUST met them today

R: tru tru im just excited 4 u!!! u deserve the best friendos ever 💜

V: lol you and the gang ARE my best friends 🖤

He carefully considered opening up a bit more, sighing to himself. He couldn't lie to Remy, he knew this. 

V: actually... im really tempted to completely ghost these guys. im way too scared to even consider the idea of... having them in my life only to lose them. i know i will. lose them, i mean

R: call me

Virgil grinned to himself as he clicked on Remy's contact profile and pressed the "call" button, mentally preparing himself for an earful of love and adoration. 

"Listen, babe," Remy began as soon as he answered the phone. "I know, this is all really scary shit, and I'm so, so sorry about everything that happened before you left. But you need friends, babe. You know I'm always here for you and ready to talk, but sometimes that just isn't enough. You need an actual, physical shoulder to cry on, ya know? And I'm sure you won't lose those guys, okay? Even if you end up moving again for some reason, you can keep in touch with them the same way you're keeping in touch with us. Give them a chance at least; don't just push them away 'cause you're scared. That's not healthy. Okay?"

Virgil was fighting tears at this point, an indescribable feeling in his heart. "Thanks, Rem. I can always count on you." 

"Damn right, you can! Is there anything else you need to get off your chest? Anything at all?"

A tear rolled down Virgil's cheek as he remembered the incident in the bathroom. "I... I re-relapsed. I'm - I'm s-sor-ry."

"No, Virge, you have nothing to apologise for. You're okay, babe."

"I - I - I keep g-getting f...flashb-backs. T-to the... to-" He had to cut himself off before he gave himself another one. 

"Shh, Virge, take a breath. Remember your breathing exercise? Can you do that?"

Remy helped him regulate his breathing until he was more relaxed. His anxiety wasn't completely quelled but he felt better than he did before. "Th-thanks, Remy."

"No need to thank me. You know I'd move heaven and earth for you." 

_I would move heaven and earth for you, mi amigo._

_Virgil sat with Dolon in his room as the two of them watched Coco. Virgil couldn't control his tears as Miguel began singing "Remember Me" to his Mama Coco. This scene made him cry more than any Disney or Pixar moment ever had before. His own great-grandmother — on his mother's side — had developed Alzheimer's. She died when Virgil was eleven years old. He wasn't sure if that was why this scene overwhelmed him but he imagined so._

_Dolon snaked an arm around Virgil's waist, letting him cry into his shoulder. He whispered the words to the song into Virgil's ear, placing a kiss on his head as the song ended._

_Virgil sat up quickly, his tears spent and his eyes red. He wiped his face with his sleeve, knowing his eyeshadow was ruined but not particularly caring at the moment. He glanced towards Dolon, knowing that he should explain his reaction._

_"I-" He quickly cut himself off as his voice cracked. He sniffed and cleared his throat. "My... great-grandmother... she had Alzheimer's. There were a lot of days when she had no idea who I was. The days she remembered were great, but... they were few and far between. There was one time when I had been talking to her for ten minutes and she... she said 'When is Virgil coming to visit?'" Recalling this memory nearly sent more tears flowing over but he controlled himself. "I... I was eleven when she... she died. I loved her so much, and... there are days when I - I wonder... if she remembered me... in her final moments."_

_Dolon took his hand as he shed more tears. "I'm so sorry, Virgil," he spoke softly._

_"It's fine. I was eleven, I don't even think I knew what death was back then. It's whatever. I'm sorry for overreacting so much, I thought I was over this scene by now."_

_"No, you're fine. It brings back... less than fond memories, and you're allowed to react however you need to. Healing is a process."_

_Virgil nodded, looking into Dolon's sympathetic eyes. "Thanks, Dee."_

_The corner of Dolon's lips quirked upward into a smile for a moment. "You speak Spanish, right?" Virgil nodded, though he wasn't sure where the question came from. "How do you say... 'I love you, my dark angel'?"_

_Virgil laughed at the cheesy nickname. "Um, 'te amo, mi ángel oscuro'."_

_Dolon smiled as he placed a hand on Virgil's cheek. "Te amo, mi ángel oscuro."_

_Virgil placed his lips on Dolon's. "Yo tambien te amo cariño mio."_

_Dolon paused for a moment. "I... have no idea what you just said."_

_Virgil burst into laughter, placing his forehead on Dolon's. "Well, that's fine. It was a good thing, I promise."_

_Dolon chuckled. "I'm just gonna have to learn Spanish, I guess."_

_"Si."_

_"Ooh, I know that one!"_

_Virgil grinned at him. "Good start!"_

_Dolon kissed Virgil once more, this kiss lasting longer, and Virgil never wanted it to end. Dolon pulled back, biting his lower lip. "After this movie, you wanna watch Inside Out?"_

_Virgil gasped quietly. "You really are my soulmate, aren't you?"_

_Dolon chuckled at that. "So is that a yes?"_

_"That's a hell yes. I also cry when Bing Bong dies though, so you'll have to put up with that."_

_He scoffed. "Bitch, please, I'll be crying with you."_

As difficult as it tended to be remembering how Dolon was in life, those little moments were good to look back on. They hurt, but not as much. He had to keep ahold of the good things so that the bad things didn't seem as bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look!!!! A bit of anxceit and princality fluff!!!!! Princality? Is that their ship name? Not sure lol (I have been informed that their ship name is Royality and that makes so much more sense than whatever I was trying to say lmao)
> 
> I don't speak Spanish fluently (yet) so I used a tiiiiny bit of google translate for some phrases. Please correct my cheating ass if anything is inaccurate. One day I won't rely so heavily on a really bad translator lmao
> 
> Also I wanna thank all y’all again. I don’t wanna get too sappy but we’ve gotten 700 hits AND over a hundred kudos and I’m so flippin grateful for everyone’s support!!! That seriously means the world to me like thank you thank you _thank you_!!!! 
> 
> That being said I may take a while getting the next chapter out again I just wanted to warn y’all this time lol ok thanks bye ily kiddos!!! 🖤🖤🖤


	9. More Bad Puns and The Ramblings of a Depressed Emo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a lot to warn about this chapter!! But ⚠️ a bit of anxiety and a vent session at the end there. Stay safe kiddos 🖤

Virgil had been waiting on the concrete steps for at least an hour now. He was honestly unsure if his father was even going to show up at this point. He had texted him twice asking where he was with no response, not even an indication that he had read the texts. Of course on his first day at his new school, this would happen. Typical. 

Every time he heard a car pull into the school parking lot, he perked up and hoped it was his father's truck. Of course, it never was. Virgil was beginning to feel frustrated with his father's absence. He had a feeling he knew why he was so late but didn't want to think about it. 

He jumped when he heard the door to the school open behind him. He turned around and saw a group of students walking out. He moved to the left side so they could pass. He wondered if they came from one of the several clubs this school seemed to have. 

One of the students in this group happened to be Patton, who spotted Virgil and smiled brightly as he walked over and sat next to him. "Hey, Virgil!" He suddenly became confused. "What are you still doin' here, kiddo?"

"Waiting for my dad. He's a little late."

Patton nodded. "Oh, so you don't have your license yet either, huh?"

"Nope. My dad hasn't taken me to take the tests. Maybe he will... soon-ish. Why don't you have yours?"

His cheeks tinged pink. "Well, uh... driving is kinda scary. I'm not that good at it yet since I get a little worried behind the wheel." He added a light chuckle before clearing his throat. "But maybe one day I can, um... _buckle_ down and learn!" 

Virgil rolled his eyes at the pun. "You've got a dad joke for _everything_ , don't you?"

"Basically! Oh, since I've got ya here, maybe we can talk about that homework you said you had problems with! The electronegativity stuff!"

Virgil was secretly hoping he had forgotten about that, but knew he hadn't. "Oh, yeah. That."

"Hey, don't you worry about it! Once you get the hang of it, it's a piece of cake!"

Virgil grinned. "Well, I don't know about you, but I would much rather eat _actual_ cake than work on chemistry."

Patton chuckled. "I _always_ want cake, but chemistry is important!"

"Only to people pursuing that field. Why in the god damn hell would I need to know the atomic number for... fucking helium? In every day life? That's so stupid."

"Language, but it's handy having some science knowledge! You never know when you might need it."

"Well, yeah, the fundamentals of science are good to have, but chemistry specifically?" He sighed heavily. "I'll never understand the American education system."

"Well, you may not understand it, but you gotta pass the class, right?"

He rolled his eyes. "I guess. Still stupid."

"So, do you think you could come over to my house for studying, or am I going to your house, or are we going to the library or something? I'm willing to work with whatever you need!"

The idea of going to Patton's house made him anxious. He couldn't quite pinpoint why but it was likely due to his desire to cut Patton out of his life as best he could. But he remembered what Remy said. Give them a chance. But Virgil couldn't help it that every time he thought of giving them a chance he remembered Dolon and how he lost him. He didn't want to lose someone so important again. He didn't want Patton or Roman to mean something to him. He didn't want anyone to matter anymore, not even Remy at this point; it hurt too much and the pain didn't feel like it was worth it. 

"You okay, kiddo?" Patton's soft voice cut through Virgil's thoughts. He suddenly realised that he had been shaking and was on the verge of a panic attack. He took a deep breath before replying to Patton. 

"I-I'm f-fine, Pat-ton," he stammered. 

"I didn't overwhelm you with too many options, did I? I just wanted to—"

"It - it wasn't y-you," Virgil cut him off. "I... I just get-t a-anxious some-sometimes. It's n-nothing." He sighed sharply. "I'm - I'm s-sorry for this s...stupid stutter, I - I ha-hate myself f-for it."

"Hey, no worries, kiddo. You can't exactly control it."

"Y-Yeah, I just d-don't wanna m-make you... f-frustrated or s-someth-thing. 'Cause I c-can't t...talk."

Patton gave him a sympathetic smile. "I'm not frustrated with you. You're doing great."

Virgil disagreed but appreciated the encouragement. "Th-thanks, Pat."

"No problem! I can only imagine what having a stutter must feel like, ya know? Like, trying to tell someone something but taking a little while to actually say it. Not that it's a bad thing, but I talk a lot so...." He cleared his throat as another blush formed on his cheeks. "Maybe a bit _too_ much." He laughed awkwardly. "Sorry."

Virgil grinned for a moment. "Don't worry about it. You can talk enough for the both of us."

Patton chuckled at that as a minivan pulled up in front of them. "Oh, that's my ride! So, do we... have a plan?"

Virgil sighed inwardly, finally caving. "I... guess I could... c-come over to your house... to study. Just need to text my dad and hope he actually sees it sometime this century."

Patton grinned as he got to his feet. "Great! Now, I do have kind of a big family, so it can get a _tiny_ bit loud in my house. Figured I should... warn ya."

Virgil stood with him, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. "How big we talkin'?" he asked as they went to the van. 

"Oh, just... two older brothers, a younger sister, and two baby brothers — twins, to be exact. So... maybe more than just a tiny bit loud. Hope that's not an issue!"

Virgil was surprised by the number of siblings he had, but wasn't bothered. "Not an issue. It's just a lot different than what I'm used to." 

Patton opened the door to the passenger side. "Hey, Pop! This is Virgil! He's new here, and we were gonna be study buddies for today! Is that okay?"

Patton's dad gave a bright smile. "Sure thing! Hop in, Virgil! My name is Doug and I'll be your chauffeur!"

Virgil scoffed as he opened the sliding van door, managing to find a seat that didn't have a carseat or a booster seat. He buckled up and texted his dad, "hey going to someone's house to study and stuff. no need to show up at school if you were ever planning on it". He hated being passive aggressive with his dad but he really was rather annoyed. 

He felt a sudden warm draft on the back of his neck. He turned around to see where it was coming from and yelped upon seeing a walrus in the seats behind him. This must have been Doug's soul spirit. How he managed to fit such a creature in this van, Virgil would never know.

Doug guffawed from the driver's seat. "Don't worry about ole Church back there; he wouldn't hurt a fly."

"I figured. I just wasn't... expecting that." He paused for a moment. "Wait... his name is Church? As in the Fall Out Boy song or the devil cat from _Pet Sematary_?" 

Patton and his dad both laughed at that. "I’d say more like the name of the street I basically grew up on. Lived across the street from my soulmate in that house. And, as they say, the rest is history." 

Virgil smiled at the short story. He hated everything to do with soulmates but it still sounded nice. He looked down at Coco and gently smoothed down the fur on her back. He suddenly heard Doug whisper something to Patton, the only thing he caught being the word "spirit". He could automatically guess what they were talking about, so he tried to tune out the conversation. 

Patton suddenly cleared his throat. "So, Virgil, what do you, uh, usually do after school?" 

Virgil shrugged. "Go home and... play video games, I guess."

"Ooh, what kinda video games?"

"Mostly Overwatch. I'm a Reinhardt and Brigitte main. But I also like playing as Widowmaker."

Patton paused for a moment. "I don't know what any of those words mean, but it sounds nifty!"

Virgil chuckled. "Those are the names of the heroes. Reinhardt is a tank, which means he defends the team. He's got a shield and a big ole Thor hammer. Brigitte is support — a healer, basically — who also uses a hammer and shield. Well, it's... _kind_ of a hammer. Hard to explain. And Widowmaker is DPS; she uses a rifle which is good for long distance. I'm better with melee weapons personally, but... it's fun to snipe people." He realised he just rambled too much again and cleared his throat as a blush formed on his cheeks. "S-Sorry, I just, um, talked for _way_ too long there." 

"Hey, don't worry about it! I may not play Overwatch myself, but I was interested in what you were saying!"

Patton's words took him back to a night he didn't want to remember but couldn't bear to forget. 

Even if I have no clue what they're talking about, it's the passion in their voice that keeps me interested.

Virgil shook the thought from his mind, reaching into his jacket pocket and messing with his fidget cube. He didn't want to think about that night. Not right now. 

"Is that one of those, um, fidget cubes you kids play with nowadays?" Doug asked, to which Virgil nodded. "Say, Pat, doesn't Logan have something like that?"

Virgil couldn't help but notice that Patton got more antsy at that moment. "Uh, I think he has a _Rubik's_ cube, Pop."

"Ah, yeah, that was it! Y'all have too many cubes these days, I can't keep up." He gave a chuckle, Patton adding his own nervous laughter. 

"Who's Logan?" Virgil asked out of curiosity. 

Patton was ready to reply when his father answered for him. "One of Patton's soulmates. Where's he living right now? London?"

Virgil's face went pale — more pale than usual, which was quite a feat. "Yeppers!" Patton replied to his father, giving Virgil an apologetic look. 

He wasn't sure how to respond to this except that he felt lied to. What, they couldn't bother to mention that they had met their third soulmate already? Then again, thinking back, Virgil did also lie. He shouldn't be so quick to assume when he didn't have all the details; he didn't know why Patton kept this from him. He wanted to find out though. 

Soon enough, they arrived at Patton's house. They all got out of the van, Virgil shoving his fidget cube back in his pocket. Doug opened the door and the first thing Virgil heard was a screaming child. "Home, sweet home," he muttered sarcastically. 

"Papaaaa!" a little girl's voice rang throughout the house as the three of them walked in. "Ethan pulled my hair!"

Doug gave a hearty chuckle. "That's what one year olds are for, Dakota. Also that's Oliver, not Ethan. Learn to tell the difference between your brothers."

Dakota pouted from her spot on the couch where she sat with her tiger cub soul spirit and a young toddler — who is apparently Oliver, not Ethan — who had a black bear cub soul spirit. Virgil hadn't been around kids in so long that he damn near forgot that soul spirits age with their owners. "But they look exactly the same!" Dakota whined. 

"Just because they're twins, doesn't mean you can't tell them apart." 

She pointed at Virgil, suddenly forgetting what she was ever talking about. "Who's that?"

Virgil wasn't sure what to say, so Patton answered for him. "Dakota, this is Virgil. Virgil, this is my sister—"

"Don't tell me," he cut Patton off. "Dakota, right?" He smirked at Dakota, who gave him a weird look. 

"Are you Patton's soulmate?"

Virgil's heart dropped to his feet at the sudden question. The whole room was silent for a while until Patton spoke up. "Um... that's, uh, that's a - a good question—"

"Yes," Virgil blurted out. "We... we're soulmates." His stomach churned as he said it. He wasn't sure why he decided to admit it, but he did and he hated himself for it.

"Patton, why you have so many soulmates?" Dakota asked as she pet her tiger cub. 

Patton shrugged, still clearly surprised by Virgil saying what he said. "I dunno, kiddo. Guess that's just how good ole fate wanted it to be!" 

"Well, how many soulmates do _you_ have?" Virgil asked her. 

"Don't know yet. Still waiting."

Virgil became confused by this answer, but before he could say anything, he saw Patton shake his head at him out of the corner of his eye. This was obviously a discussion that was not meant to happen, so Virgil kept his mouth shut. 

Patton cleared his throat. "Alright, kiddos, Virgil and I are gonna go study in my room!"

"Keep the door open!" Doug called from the kitchen, making Virgil blush. 

"Sure thing, Pop!" Patton called back, leading Virgil to his bedroom. When he opened the door, a teenage boy was in there at a computer chair with an acoustic guitar in his hands and a white-tailed doe soul spirit by his side. 

"Hey, Pat, what's up?" the boy greeted as he gently strummed a chord — which Virgil recognised as a G chord.

"Well, Virgil, this is my oldest brother Chris. Chris, this is Virgil, I'm helping him with chemistry stuff."

Chris chuckled at that. " _You_ helping someone with chemistry? Never thought I'd see the day."

Patton rolled his eyes yet a smile formed on his face. "Yes, maybe chemistry isn't my strong suit, but I still know my stuff! Say, if H2O is water, then what is H2O4?" There was a pause as neither of them knew the answer. “It’s for drinking!”

“Oh my god, I hate you and your bad jokes so much,” Chris murmured. 

“Well, I only tell bad jokes because all the good ones _argon_!” 

Chris got to his feet, still holding his guitar. "Okay, I’m leaving before I kill you. It was nice meetin' ya, Virgil."

Before Chris left, Virgil finally spoke. "I - I like your guitar."

Chris shot him a smile. "Thanks. My soulmate, Axel, got it for me for Christmas."

Christmas. Virgil fucking hated Christmas. 

_Dolon handed him the large box with an equally large smile on his face. "I know it's a few days early, but I couldn't help myself! Go on, open it!"_

_Virgil took the neatly wrapped present with a smile. "Dee, I don't know what to say—"_

_"Don't worry about saying anything yet, just open it! I'm so excited for you to see it!" he exclaimed as he sat beside Virgil on the bed._

_Virgil chuckled as he tore into the wrapping paper and opened the plain cardboard box. He audibly gasped upon seeing what was inside. "Oh... my god. Dolon. I love this, what the fuck."_

_"I know you said you were wanting to learn how to play, so I got you one! Surprise, merry Christmas, all that fun stuff!"_

_A tear rolled down Virgil's cheek as he held the ukulele in his hands. It was painted to look exactly like the ukulele Steven Universe owned. He couldn't even begin to process what was happening._

_"I... holy shit, I fucking love you, Dee." He pulled Dolon into a warm kiss, Dolon's hand moving to caress Virgil's cheek. It wasn't even Christmas yet but Virgil could tell this would be his best one yet._

_Dolon pulled back with a smile. "I love you too," he whispered._

"I thought her name was Lynn?" Patton's voice brought Virgil back to the present. 

"Actually, _they_ go by Axel now," Chris replied, emphasising the correct pronoun usage. 

Patton understood immediately. "Got it, sorry, my bad." 

"Don't worry, lil bro." Chris ruffled Patton's hair. "You didn't know. Anyways, I'll get out of your hair."

"Thanks, Chris."

Chris began walking away when he said, "Oh yeah, by the way, your new soulmate is cute." He glanced over his shoulder and winked at the two of them, causing them both to blush. 

Virgil took a deep breath to keep from screaming. "What is everyone's obsession with soulmates?" he growled. 

Patton gave him a look of sympathy. "I don't know if 'obsession' is the right word. It's just a... uh, a topic of interest?"

Virgil sighed softly, silently conceding. He glanced around the room, taking it all in. The walls were light blue with a white feature wall where a bed sat next to the bedroom door. Above the bed was a loft of sorts, a ladder leading up to it. Against the opposite wall sat two desks with computers — one was a cluttered mess and the other was a lot more organised but still in slight disarray. The floor was hardwood, but a large, white, fluffy rug took up most of it, a beanbag chair at the corner of said rug next to the more organised desk. 

"This is... a _really_ nice room," Virgil spoke under his breath. 

"Thanks! Chris and I spent a _week_ redecorating it when Tyler moved out."

Virgil tilted his head to the side a bit. "Tyler? Another brother of yours?"

"Sister, actually. Dakota was really upset when she left. But, ya know, college and all that." 

Virgil nodded, his eyes going back to the loft as he wondered why there was only one bed in sight. "What, uh, what's up there?" 

Patton smiled brightly. "That's actually where I sleep! I've got my own cosy little nook up there. I'm like a cat!" Virgil grinned, seeing the comparison. 

"That 'cosy little nook' is about the same size as my entire bedroom." 

Patton laughed at that, probably thinking that Virgil was joking. "I'm sure your room isn't _that_ bad!" 

Virgil shrugged. "Still looks more comfortable, honestly. My room kinda... creeps me out sometimes. Like I'm... not the only one in there." He suddenly realised he revealed too much and cleared his throat. "S-Sorry."

"No, you're fine, kiddo! We can work on that homework up there if ya want! Like our own little... study station!"

He would be lying if he said he didn't kind of want to check out the loft simply because he had never seen such a cosy looking space before. It looked like the perfect spot for Virgil to ignore the world and read a book or something. "Uh... yeah, sure, if you don't mind."

"It's no problem at all! I love sharing my little 'Patton palace' with my friends!" He suddenly tried to backtrack. "Uh, my friends _and_ my... acquaintances!" 

Virgil appreciated him trying to keep his distance but some small part of him wanted to call Patton a friend. Against all odds, this small part won. "You can... call me your friend if you want to." 

Patton immediately brightened up. "Really?"

Virgil casually shrugged. "Yeah, why not? I'm already in your house anyway." He grinned even though he was dying on the inside. 

"Well, sure thing, amigo!" Patton exclaimed happily. 

"What, do you speak Spanish too?"

"Not a word of it! Well, except for amigo! And hola. And burrito. And taco. Aw, man, I'm hungry now."

Virgil burst into laughter but quickly clapped a hand over his mouth to contain it. He cleared his throat, managing to control himself. "Uh, y-yeah, same." He awkwardly gestured to the ladder leading to the loft. "So, um, after you?" 

They both climbed the ladder to the loft, Patton sitting on his bed — which consisted of a single mattress covered in stuffed animals and a big Winnie the Pooh comforter — and Virgil sitting against the back wall. He then noticed the glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceiling as well as the decorative stars dangling from a horizontal branch, held to the ceiling with twine; he had a hunch that those stars were also glow-in-the-dark. On the wall across from Patton’s bed were a collection of Polaroid photos featuring Patton, Roman, and someone else that Virgil guessed was Logan. They looked... happy. 

Virgil couldn't help but smile to himself. He envied Patton so much for this little space he could call his own. "God, I wish I had something like this. I could stay up here forever." 

Patton smiled as he hugged his cat plushie to his chest — Virgil recognised the cat as Lil Bub, who is an internet famous cat. "Yeah, it's pretty nifty! There are some days that I never wanna leave it either!" His face fell for a moment before he cleared his throat and kept up the smile; Virgil pretended not to notice. 

"I'm pretty conflicted most of the time; I hate my room because it sucks, but I don't wanna leave my room because everywhere else sucks too. I... basically hate the entire house that my dad decided to shove us into." He sighed silently, realising he was saying too much again. "Sorry, I keep... doing that."

"Doing what, kiddo?" Patton asked. 

"Just... saying too much. I don't know why I just keep... saying all that. I've been trying to keep my guard up and... put up a wall, but it's so difficult when I'm around you and Roman." He huffed. "See? I'm doing it again. I should just shut up."

"No, no, you're fine! You're allowed to say what's on your mind! This is a safe space, Virgil. Anything you say won't ever leave this room."

Virgil took a deep breath for what must have been the millionth time today. "I just... why... do I wanna... talk about my _feelings_ with you? I... I don't wanna... trust anyone because it hurts too much, but... you and Roman make me... wanna... I dunno... open up? It's like... I want to, but I _don't_ want to. Because I... just _can't_."

There was silence in the air as Patton thought of what to say next. "Trusting people... can be scary. 'Cause you don't know if you're gonna get hurt. But... the way I see it... if you have good times to look back on... the pain is probably worth it."

"But what if the pain _isn't_ worth it?" Virgil asked, a break in his voice. 

"Well... then your real friends will be there to help ease that pain! You don't have to go through it alone." He paused again. “As someone once said... ‘A real friend is someone who walks in when everyone else walks out'. Or... something like that.”

The corner of Virgil’s lips curled upward into a small grin. “That’s... really nice. Thanks, Pat.”

“Don’t mention it, kiddo! I’m happy to help!” 

Virgil still had something on his mind. “But... _why_ do I wanna open up to you? I still don’t get it.”

“Well, maybe that’s just a sou—” He cut himself off in a panic. “Um, a thing... between... two people with a, uh, an equal love of dad jokes, amiright, kiddo?”

Virgil scoffed. “Okay, firstly, I don’t know that our love for dad jokes is even close to equal. Secondly... just say it, Patton; it’s a soulmate thing.”

“It could be. I mean, I know whenever I’m around Roman and Logan I feel right at home and I’m all fuzzy inside. Must be that... bond thing.”

Virgil supposed that made sense. But now that Patton brought up a certain someone, he had to ask. “Why didn’t you tell me about Logan?”

Patton’s cheeks reddened. “I’m _so_ sorry about that, Virgil! I swear me and Roman were gonna tell you but we didn’t wanna overwhelm you or anything ‘cause we know how you feel about soulmate stuff and we thought it would be better to wait a little bit and I’m so _so_ sorry!” 

“Hey, no, it’s okay, Pat! I was just a little surprised that you had all met each other already. And I... appreciate that you took my feelings into consideration.”

Patton forced a smile. “I did tell Logan about you, though. He said that he looks forward to meeting you.” 

Virgil grinned briefly. “Let’s just... work on this stupid chemistry, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if that felt like an abrupt end I just needed to end this chapter SOMEWHERE after 4,045 fucking words holy jeebus :,) 
> 
> Also this chapter was light on the angst too!! I honestly just felt bad for making Virgil suffer so much in this fic and I wanted him to feel good for a second. He deserves love even if he doesn’t know it 🖤
> 
> Maybe I’ll make the next chapter lighthearted too. Maybe I’ll rip out as many hearts as I can and stomp on them until they’re dust. We will see >:3 pls don’t hate me


	10. Why Study Chemistry When You Can Have a Mental Breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ tw/cw ⚠️ for more venting, crying (not sure if that needs a warning but better safe than sorry haha), and a flashback. Stay safe kiddos 🖤

_"Why does Spanish have to be so damn impossible to learn?" Dolon complained._

_Virgil chuckled. "It's difficult but it's not that difficult."_

_"Easy for you to say; you can already speak it."_

_"Touché. But, Dee, learning an entire language is gonna be challenging. It took me a little while to speak fluently but I did it. You can too, just... believe in yourself."_

_Dolon scoffed at that. "Please. I just don't have the brain for this. I wanna learn, but it's so hard to, like... focus. And keep all these words and rules and... conjugations in my head."_

_Virgil nodded. "Yeah I think the conjugations kick everyone's asses at first. But I know you got this! You're smart, even if you don't realise it."_

_Dolon smiled at him but was clearly still skeptical. "I don't know. It's just so hard for me to focus on anything lately, much less a whole different language."_

_Virgil took his hand. "Anything you need to... get off your chest?"_

_"No. I just... I'm so tired all the time. And I don't know why."_

_Virgil gave him a look of sympathy before kissing his cheek. "It is getting kinda late. You wanna pick this up again tomorrow?"_

_Dolon nodded. "Yeah, sure." He glanced down at Virgil — who was at least four inches shorter than him. "Te amo, mi Belleza."_

_Virgil smiled softly at him, gently kissing his lips. "Yo también te quiero, mi Bestia."_

"Virgil?" Patton spoke softly, his voice shaking Virgil from his memories. 

"Wh-What? Sorry, I just... can't seem to focus."

"No, that's fine, kiddo! Just wanted to make sure you're doin' alright."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm fine. Just... tired, I guess. Been a long day."

Patton nodded. "Yeah, first days can be tough. Anything you need to, um...-"

"Get off my chest?" Virgil finished for him under his breath, Patton nodding his head. "Not particularly. I'm just... barely functioning at this point."

"I don't mean to pry... but have you been sleeping well?"

He wanted to lie so badly but he was too exhausted to bother. "I mean... not really. It's hard to these days. Or, nights, I guess. I dunno."

"Well, you gotta get some sleep, kiddo! Not sleeping is not healthy!"

"Yeah. I know." 

There was a pause before Patton spoke again. "Is it because of... what you were talking about earlier? About... y'know... your room?"

Virgil recalled describing his room as "creepy" and sighed. "That may be... part of it. I dunno." He neglected to mention the nightmares he'd been having ever since... Dolon. 

"Well, maybe it'll help if you make your room feel like home!"

"How do I do that?"

"Decorating is a good place to start! Put up posters and lights and stuff that make it feel like your own personal space! That's what I did with my own little setup here!"

Virgil saw his point. All four walls of his room were white and bare and it made it feel more like a prison cell than a bedroom. "I... guess I could try that."

"Ooh! Another thing you could try is stuffed animals! I mean, everyone feels differently about them but it's always nice to have a plushie little cuddle buddy! Do you have any stuffed animals?"

He shook his head. "Nah, not since I was a kid. Even then, I wasn't... _too_ attached to them." The last statement was a lie due to sheer embarrassment as he remembered crying when his dad told him to give away his mountain of stuffed animals, saying he'd outgrown them. Never in his wildest dreams would he admit such a thing to anyone. 

"You can always try having one or two! They can be very therapeutic. I know I love all mine!" Patton exclaimed, hugging a large armful of the stuffed animals on his bed. 

Virgil chuckled. "That's great for you, but... I dunno. My inner child died a long time ago."

"Aw, Virgil, everyone needs a bit of their inner child every now and then! You wanna try hugging one of my stuffed animals? It feels really good!"

He rolled his eyes but smiled fondly. "I dunno, I-I'd feel stupid."

"Hey, this is a safe space, remember? I won't make you feel bad and I also won't force you to do anything you don't wanna do!"

He was practically screaming on the inside, wanting to say yes, but he still felt embarrassed. Why did they have to land on this subject of all things? He sighed heavily, finally caving. "I mean... if you insist. Whatever." He paused for a moment. "I don't suppose you have any ghost type Pokémon plushies in there?"

Patton chuckled, looking through his pile of plushies. "I don't have ghost types but I do have Jigglypuff!" He held up his Jigglypuff plush with a smile on his face. 

Virgil scoffed. "I hate Jigglypuff with a fiery passion."

"Well, alright then." He set Jigglypuff back down, looking through his plushies once more. "Ooh! This Eeyore plushie practically has your name on him!" 

Virgil had to admit he was slightly interested in this one. Eeyore was always his favourite as a kid. He cleared his throat, trying to be casual about it. "Fine, I guess, but only because he looks soft." Patton handed him the plushie and he immediately felt better as he hugged Eeyore to his chest. He didn't understand why it was such an instant comfort but it was. 

"See? Feels nice, right?" Patton asked as he hugged his Build-a-Bear Toothless the dragon. 

Virgil wasn't sure how to respond as he was in conflict with his emotions. He shouldn't feel so comforted by a toy, right? Especially one so juvenile. And he certainly shouldn't be moved to tears over it. So why was he blinking back said tears? "Y-Yeah. I guess," he murmured almost inaudibly. 

"You wanna... hold onto him for a little while?" Virgil could only nod in response as he was certain that speaking would send his tears flowing over. He mentally kicked himself for his emotions being so all over the place today. 

They got back to chemistry work, Patton helping Virgil as they sat next to each other on the bed. He even came up with a pun to help Virgil remember a part he'd been struggling with. This did not surprise Virgil in the slightest, but he definitely hoped it worked. It wasn't long before he was done with the entire sheet, confident with his work for once. 

"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Patton beamed. 

Virgil shrugged, still holding Patton's Eeyore plushie as Coco hung from the star decorations that were suspended from the ceiling. "I _guess_. Only because you helped me."

"Aw, c'mon, you should give yourself more credit! You figured out plenty yourself!"

He scoffed, a blush forming on his cheeks. "I mean... I don't know about _plenty_." 

"Listen, kiddo, you are stronger than you seem, braver than you believe, and smarter than you think!" 

He chuckled at that. "Really? A _Winnie the Pooh_ reference?"

Patton gasped quietly, a bright smile on his face. "You _do_ like _Winnie the Pooh_! I _knew_ that's why you picked the Eeyore plushie!"

Virgil's blush deepened. "N-no! I just... saw that quote somewhere... on a - a picture of - of Winnie the Pooh and I just... I - I knew that's what it was from. That's all."

Patton's smile softened to a grin. "You know, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the more... childish things in life. Sometimes they make us happy when nothing else will! I mean, you like Disney movies in general, right?" Virgil nodded in response. "Well, they're all technically made for kids too, but adults can still enjoy them! And there's nothing wrong with that!"

"Well, Disney movies usually contain more adult themes and messages that you don't really notice as a kid because they want the parents that are being forced to watch them to be entertained too. I don't think _Winnie the Pooh_ does that, even though it's also Disney." 

Patton chuckled. "What do you mean 'adult themes'? Disney movies aren't 'adult'!"

Oh poor, sweet Patton. "Uh... don't worry about it."

"Oh, you mentioned Pokémon earlier, right? Isn't Pokémon _kinda_ made for kids but can still be enjoyed by older audiences?" 

He shrugged. "I guess. I mean, maybe more tweens than kids, but sure." 

"The point is you shouldn't be ashamed for enjoying something! If it makes you happy, that's the only thing that matters!"

Virgil hugged Eeyore tighter. "But... what if people find out that you like things like that and they make you feel stupid for it?"

"Those people try to suck the happiness out of anything they see and you shouldn't listen to them! I mean, if you're happy and you're not hurting anyone, who are they to judge?" 

Virgil saw his point. "I... guess you're right. But what if that person is my dad?" He glanced up at Patton for a brief moment before clearing his throat. "Um, hypothetically, obviously." 

There was a moment of silence before Patton responded. "Well... that's a tricky one. Maybe — hypothetically — you could explain to your dad what it means to you. Try and get him to understand?"

"Well... what if... hypothetically... I've tried, but he never listens? Like he's not even hearing me? It's like... he's there, but he's not... there. He's just... a ghost?" A tear fell down Virgil's face and he quickly wiped it away, hoping Patton didn't notice. "God, what am I doing?" he muttered. "I-I'm sorry. I'm just all over the place today."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, kiddo,” Patton spoke softly. “Your feelings are valid. And you're allowed to express those feelings. Don't let anyone tell you different. Feelings make you human. And they can hurt at times, but... that pain helps you remember the good times in your life. I mean, if everyone was happy all day every day, it may sound nice, but... what would we have to look forward to?"

Virgil saw his point. "That's... surprisingly wise. Thanks."

Patton smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "No problem, kiddo. I'm here for ya. Whatever you need, I'll do what I can."

This sentiment made Virgil even more emotional than he had been to begin with. He hated himself for the tears that blurred his vision but he truly had no control over his emotions at this point. He tried to blink them back but that only made them fall down his cheeks, causing him to quickly wipe them away. Junior got up on Patton's bed and tried to lick Virgil's cheek, whining softly. It felt like she was trying to lick the tears away. 

"I'm sorry," Virgil croaked past his tears. "I - I - I—"

"Hey," Patton interrupted softly. "You're okay, Virgil. There's nothing wrong with crying; that comes with the emotions. And it can help you feel better, too."

Virgil choked back a sob as he squeezed the plushie tighter, trying to breathe. He couldn't stand being so emotionally vulnerable but he couldn't control it. All he could do in this moment was cry, so he did. He hated himself for it, but he did.

Patton put a comforting hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump out of surprise. Patton immediately took his hand back. "Sorry! I... I should've asked."

It wasn't that Virgil was opposed to the idea of physical contact, but something about it made him jumpy. It was as if he was touch starved and touch averse at the exact same time; constantly craving it but never truly wanting it. In this moment, he let the part of him craving it win as he wrapped his arms around Patton, who was quick to reciprocate. 

Virgil's thoughts raced at the speed of light. He could barely keep up with them all but he knew they were the same scolding thoughts that penetrated his mind day in and day out. He wanted them gone, he wanted to stop hating himself, he just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Before Patton and Roman, before Christmas, before Dolon. He wanted to go back and say no to Joan when they invited him out to the Neon Cactus, he wanted to forget everything that happened between him and Dolon. He wanted the pain to just stop. He wanted everything to stop. 

He got all his tears out, repeating his breathing exercise a few times to calm himself, and pulled out of the hug as a blush settled into his cheeks. "I'm - I'm sorry," he murmured. 

"It's okay, Virgil! We could all use a hug every now and then." Patton slowly reached out and wiped away a stray tear that rolled down Virgil's face. They made eye contact for a few seconds before Patton pulled his hand away, a subtle blush forming on his cheeks. 

"I... I'm j-just so... conflicted. Like... I dunno. Like, I wanna talk about what's going on but it... it hurts too much. I... before coming here... bad things happened. And... I don't know what to do. And I'm just... fucking terrified. I just wanna know what to do."

There was a pause before Patton spoke. "What sorts of... bad things? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but maybe it'll help you work through your feelings."

No. He couldn't. He wouldn't. If he talked about it, if he talked about Dolon, it would become real. If he admitted what was going on, then the nightmare would no longer just be a nightmare. Dolon.

_He checked the kitchen and the living room, unable to find him._

No.

_He passed by the bathroom, the door just slightly ajar._

Stop it. 

_He pushed it open with one finger._

He didn't want to go through this again. 

_Dolon was in the bathtub. He wasn't moving._

Please. 

_All your fault._

_All your fault._

_He wasn’t moving and it’s all your fucking fault._

Virgil couldn't catch his breath as the flashback snatched it away from him. He just wanted to go back. He wanted Dolon back. He wanted to spend Christmas Day with his soulmate, the one he could never share another kiss with again. He wanted to hear his laugh and see his gap-toothed smile. He wanted to hear that subtle lisp he had every now and then, the one he hid so well. He longed for those mismatched eyes that sparkled with delight every time they laid on his dark angel. He wanted all this and more, but he still wanted to forget. 

How could Beauty live without the Beast?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well how about those tears amiright? :,)
> 
> I know this one is shorter than the others but i felt this was a good place to end it. And look Virgil got a hug!! 🖤 when it comes to trauma, sometimes you don’t wanna be even within ten feet of someone and other times you want all the cuddles. It’s very finicky like that, or so I’ve read. 
> 
> Btw if any of y’all have experienced trauma firsthand (I haven’t personally), first of all you’re strong as fuck and ilysm, secondly, if I’m misrepresenting any aspects of traumatic stress then please please PLEASE correct me and I’ll do my best to fix it ^^ I know everyone’s experience is different but I still want this to be as accurate as possible. don’t wanna put out any... falsehoods ;) 
> 
> Oh and also mi belleza means “my beauty” and mi bestia means “my beast” so. Hope that makes the last line make more sense lmao


	11. Impromptu Therapy is My Favourite Kind of Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna use the ⚠️ emoji for the warnings haha so ⚠️ flashback/anxiety attack, thoughts of self harm, and talking about symptoms of trauma ⚠️ but honestly this is a more lighthearted chapter. stay safe kiddos 🖤

Virgil suddenly scrambled off the bed, moving to the back wall and hyperventilating. Patton watched, completely frozen, as Virgil began sobbing and violently shaking. He had no idea what to do, but he knew he had to do something. 

"Virgil?" His voice was completely shattered as he attempted to speak. He slowly climbed off his bed and sat in front of Virgil, making sure to keep his distance as to not overwhelm him. "Are - are you okay?" This was a pointless and stupid question and he knew it, but what else could he say?

Virgil didn't respond at first but quickly began muttering out apology after apology. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," under his breath over and over. 

"No, no, you're okay," Patton whispered, wanting nothing more than to hug him but holding back as he knew better. "You... you're okay, kiddo." 

"Come back," Virgil croaked out, leaving Patton confused. 

"Wh-What?"

He began muttering in Spanish, and although Patton didn't know what he was saying, it sounded like, "Te amo, Dolon. Vuelve, mi Bestia. Te echo tan mucho de menos, mi amor."

Though Patton had no idea what he was saying, the desperation in Virgil's voice brought tears to his eyes. He wished Roman was here to translate. "I... I don't know what you're saying, kiddo. I wanna help, I really do, but... I need to understand—"

"Lo siento," Virgil interrupted. "Te fallé tu. Te fallé tu. Te fallé tu." Patton tried his best to memorise the repeated phrase, hoping to recite it to Roman later and get at least _something_ translated. 

"Virgil," Patton tried so hard to keep his voice from wavering, but failed. "Virgil, can you... hear me?" 

Virgil gave no response to the question — in any language — and continued to hyperventilate, his entire body trembling. 

"Virgil, kiddo, you're okay. I'm so sorry if I asked too many questions. Virgil?"

Suddenly, Virgil's head snapped up, staring at Patton with bulging ocean blue eyes that were filled to the brim with terror. He took a few shuddering breaths before attempting to speak. "P-Pat?"

Patton gave a small smile of encouragement. "Yeah, it's me, kiddo. You're okay."

"Wh-where am I?"

Patton was heartbroken that whatever had just happened was so intense that it made him feel this out of sorts, but he hid his feelings behind a mask for now. "You're - you're in my room, Virge. Remember?"

His eyes darted all around the room before landing back on Patton. "I... I'm s-sorry," he choked out. 

"No, no, you have nothing to be sorry for! I'm sorry if I was the reason you got so overwhelmed."

Virgil quickly shook his head. "N-no. It - it was j-just a f...flashb-b-back. I - I get-t tho-those s-s-sometimes."

Patton's heart broke again tenfold. He didn't know if he wanted the details on what could have caused something so horrific. "A... flashback? Oh, kiddo, I'm _so_ sorry."

"It-it's f-fine. I - I - I can han-handle i-it."

Patton bit his lower lip for a moment to stop it from trembling. "You... you sure? It seemed... intense."

"I'm fine, dammit!" he suddenly snapped, causing Patton to jump a bit. He immediately sighed shakily. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I... I-I'm s-sorry."

Patton took a deep, trembling breath. "You're okay. You're okay. Do you... do you need a hug?" Virgil quickly shook his head. "That's fine, that's okay. What... what do you need? Anything that - that you need, I'll do my best to give you. Do you need space? Food? Water?"

He sniffed, rubbing his eyes. "W-water. P...please."

"I can do that! I'll be right back!" Patton went to the ladder when he heard Virgil speak. 

"And...-" He paused, looking almost embarrassed. 

"What is it, kiddo? Whatever you need, I won't judge you for it, if that's what you're worried about." 

He sighed through his nose. "I...ice."

Patton tilted his head slightly. "Ice? For the water or—"

"N-no, I... I need to... t-to hold... ice c-cubes. I... I n-need... ice. P-please." 

Patton didn't know why he needed to hold ice cubes in his hand, but was ready to supply. "Okay! You got it! One ice cube or two?" Virgil held up one finger and Patton was on his way down the ladder. 

He went into the kitchen and got a bottle of water from the refrigerator and an ice cube from the freezer. He was honestly barely holding it together at this point; he was beyond worried about Virgil. A flashback? A flashback to what exactly? What — or who — had hurt him so severely that he had flashbacks about the painful event? 

He was about to return to his room with the water and the ice cube when he heard his father greet him from the couch. "Hey, kiddo! How's the chemistry goin'?"

He turned to his father, eyes already full of tears, and began softly sobbing. 

\\\\\

Virgil toyed with his fidget cube as he waited for Patton to return, trying desperately hard not to scratch his skin raw. He was so _embarrassed_ that he had a flashback in front of someone — and it was _Patton_ of all people. How must he have looked? And he certainly noticed how shaky Patton was in the aftermath. He could never forgive himself for this. 

He heard someone walk in and climb up the ladder. He expected it to be Patton but it was a very unfamiliar face. Whoever he was he had a water bottle and an ice cube. "Hey. Virgil, right? I have your, uh, water and ice." 

Virgil stared at him, not sure if he should trust him. Perhaps he was one of Patton's several brothers, but he looked a lot older than Chris who was the eldest. If not a brother, then who?

"Oh, right, sorry. I'm Adrian. I'm Patton's dad."

Virgil became even more confused. "I - I thought D-Doug was-" Oh. Two dads. Got it.

Adrian chuckled. “Yeah, we’re just a couple of _pop_ stars.”

Virgil groaned. “Ugh, great, I see where Patton gets it now.”

Adrian laughed at that as he climbed all the way into the room, sitting by the bed as his swan soul spirit followed closely behind. Virgil slowly went over and took the water and ice cube, quickly chugging half the bottle and squeezing the ice cube right in his hand. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, muttering a thank you to Adrian. 

“No problem. Feel better?”

Virgil nodded until a question entered his mind. “Wh-where’s Patton?”

“Uh, Doug had to talk to him about something. While they’re busy, do you... feel like talking?”

Heat rose to Virgil’s cheeks. “Uh... about what?” he asked as he took another sip of water. 

“Anything, really. I know we just met and everything, but you can trust me. I’m here for you, and I know Patton is, too.”

His words seemed sincere but why would he care? He still wasn’t convinced that Patton cared, so why would this guy he met thirty seconds ago give a fuck? “Um... well, I don’t... think I have anything too pressing to talk about. Off the top of my head, anyway.”

Adrian nodded. “Well, maybe I could talk just a bit more about myself so you have a better idea of who I am?”

Virgil shrugged, taking another sip of water. “I - I guess.” 

“Cool. Uh, well, my name is Adrian Howard-Sheffield, I’m a father of way too many, and I’m a dabbling theatre actor — I’m basically your stereotypical GBF. My father was a war veteran, so I decided to follow in his footsteps. While I was in Iraq, I developed PTSD.” Virgil got chills when he said this. “Or is that T-M-I?”

He shook his head. “No. Sorry you went through that, though,” he added as he took a sip of water. 

“It’s fine, darling, it’s in the past now. Although, I _did_ have a few flashbacks that tried to convince me otherwise. It was a lot for me to deal with, especially since I was so young. I don’t know if you can relate, though.”

Adrian Howard-Sheffield, you gay mastermind. “I mean... I’ve obviously never been a soldier, but... I guess I’ve seen some bad stuff.”

“Are you able to... talk about this bad stuff?”

He knew he wasn’t, not even a little bit. He sighed deeply. “I... don’t know. I don’t want it to-” He quickly cut himself off before he said too much. 

“Don’t want it to what, love?” Adrian asked softly. 

Why was he revealing so much to a total stranger? How had he gained Virgil’s trust — or at least some of it — so easily? “D-Don’t want it... t-to be real.” There it is. Out in the open. 

“So you’re in the first stage of grief.” 

He made eye contact with Adrian, a confused expression on his face. “Wh-What?”

“Well, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You must be in Egypt ‘cause it sounds like you’re in de- _Nile_.” 

Virgil sighed gruffly, deciding to completely ignore the terrible pun. “Well... _maybe_ I’m... grieving, but...-” He sighed again, not sure how to finish his thought. 

“What is it? Take your time, you got this,” Adrian encouraged. 

He took a moment to piece together his thoughts and put words to them. “How do I... _stop_ grieving so much?”

“That’s a tall order right there. For some people it takes months, for others it takes years, for others, it’s somewhere in between. But you shouldn’t try to force it. You need to give yourself the time and patience that you deserve. Let yourself feel bad. ‘Cause it does feel bad. It feels like absolute shit. But you’ll come out the other end stronger than ever, I guarantee it.” 

Virgil was thankful for his words but he still wanted the pain to stop. “I just... I hate it so much. I... can’t stop thinking about what happened.”

“That’s completely normal. It’s hard to get such horrible thoughts out of your head, especially when you’re so busy convincing yourself it was your fault.” Virgil’s eyebrows rose when he said that. “Has a nasty little voice been telling you that?”

He paused for a moment before silently nodding. How did Adrian know? 

“Trauma victims usually have guilty thoughts, no matter how untrue those thoughts may be. I don’t know what happened to you, but I do know that whatever happened was _never_ your fault, and you _never_ deserved it.” 

Virgil took in a shuddering breath, taking a long drink of water. He wasn’t sure what to say, until he squeaked out one word. “T-trauma?”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed. I mean, trauma victims do also often have flashbacks, nightmares and difficulty sleeping, social withdrawal, intrusive thoughts and memories, self destructive thoughts and behaviour, lack of concentration, and so on and so forth. But... that doesn’t sound like _you_ at all, does it?” 

This clever bastard. “How... how did—”

“I’m a therapist, honey; it’s kinda what I do. So do you relate to any of those symptoms? Say, three or more?”

Virgil was hesitant, but he nodded. 

“Has it been happening for a month or longer?”

Virgil thought for a second. “What’s today?”

“January 16.”

“Then it’s been... just under a month.”

Adrian gave a look of sympathy, one that Virgil was sick of seeing. “I’m sorry, dear.”

“It’s fine, it’s whatever,” he grumbled, drinking the rest of his water. 

“It doesn’t sound like PTSD just yet, but if you’re still feeling a lot of these symptoms in, say, another month or so, I recommend seeing a therapist. I do know a good one.” He gave a small smile, which Virgil returned. “Anything else you need to get off your chest?”

Virgil was decidedly done talking about his feelings for one day. He silently shook his head. 

“Okay. Is there anything you need? More water? Another ice cube?”

Virgil glanced down at the empty water bottle and the almost completely melted ice cube in the palm of his hand. He didn’t feel the buzz under his skin anymore, though his throat was still just a small bit dry. “Um... w-water, please,” he murmured, giving the Eeyore plushie that had been sitting in his lap a small squeeze. 

“You got it, babe,” Adrian said, reminding Virgil of Remy in a big way. He took the empty water bottle and was starting to leave when he stopped. “Hey. I’m proud of you.” He smiled at Virgil, who smiled back as Adrian left. 

\\\\\

Patton finally stopped crying, his Pop hugging him as they both sat on the couch. He’d been able to get out a few sentences, vaguely explaining Virgil having a flashback, but he couldn’t speak well past his tears. After a bit of sobbing, he could finally breathe. 

“You alright, kiddo?” Doug asked. 

Patton sniffed as he sat up and wiped his face of tears. “I think so. I just... I feel so bad for Virgil; you should’ve seen how _scared_ he was.” 

“You said he had a flashback?” he asked, Patton nodding. “And you’re sure that’s what it was?”

“That’s what he told me. Why?”

He paused for a moment. “Well... did you know that your dad was a war vet?”

Patton’s eyes widened in surprise. “Wait, _Dad_ was in the war?” 

Doug nodded. “Yup. He was in Iraq. Went through some difficult things over there. When he came back, he was a lot more jumpy and... emotional. Turns out, he got PTSD.”

Patton gasped, putting a hand over his mouth in shock. He had no idea that his dad had gone through so much. “Oh my gosh.”

“He’s fine now, of course. Gets nightmares every now and then but it’s not nearly as severe anymore. He used to get flashbacks three to four times a day, he wouldn’t sleep and when he did he’d have nightmares, the smallest things would send him into a panic, it was all sorts of bad and it broke my heart. In fact, while taking care of him, I got what’s called secondary trauma. Ever heard of that?” Patton shook his head. “To put it simply, I was traumatised by being so exposed to _his_ trauma.”

Patton’s heart shattered and a tear fell from his eye. “That... that can _happen_?” Doug nodded his head. “Gosh, Pop, I’m _so_ sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it; we’ve had plenty of time to work through it. Virgil on the other hand—”

“You think he has PTSD?” Patton practically shrieked. 

“I’m not sure, I obviously don’t know... enough. But flashbacks are... usually associated with PTSD.”

Patton’s mind was racing with questions and he didn’t know what to start with. He eventually came up with his starting point. “How do I help him?”

“Well, basically, be there for him. Don’t try to make him talk about anything he doesn’t want to, but let him know that if he does need to talk, you’ll be there.” 

Patton nodded, understanding. “Okay, what else?”

“Be patient with him. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and wounds don’t heal in a day. However long he needs to process everything, give him that time.” 

He nodded again. “Yeah, of course.”

“Whatever he needs, whether it’s time alone, a hug, a distraction from whatever thoughts are going through his head, do your best to provide it. But don’t let him... withdraw completely. Whether he likes it or not, spending time with people will help with the trauma — if that is what he’s going through. And to avoid secondary trauma, make yourself a priority too. I know how tempting it is to put all your energy into making him feel better, but if you get burnt out, how will you be helping anyone?”

He nodded once more. “Yeah, I see what you mean. But what if—”

“‘What if he needs me and I’m not there because I’m taking care of myself’?” Patton nodded, surprised he knew what he was about to say. “He’s not alone in this and neither are you. I know for a fact that Roman and Logan will be more than happy to do what they can for him. You’re all soulmates, after all.” 

Patton saw his point. “You’re right. Thanks, Pop.”

“Don’t mention it, kiddo. I also recommend you do a bit of research on your own. Knowing is half the battle and all that.”

Patton chuckled. “Now you’re starting to sound like Logan. Maybe he knows something about this stuff.”

“Well, he is a fountain of endless knowledge, so maybe.” 

“What time is it for him right now? I’m bad at remembering time zones.”

Doug paused for a moment. “Isn’t he, like... eight hours ahead of us? Maybe nine?”

“Maybe? By the time I remember properly he’s gonna he back home already,” he joked, chuckling softly. His face slowly fell, however, remembering how far away Logan was. He missed him so much. 

He saw his dad coming down the stairs from his bedroom and immediately jumped up to give him a crushing hug. The thought of what he had gone through made him emotional again. 

“You okay, sugar cube?” Adrian asked, returning the hug. 

“I’m _so_ sorry you had to go to war!” Patton almost yelled. 

Adrian sighed softly. “So, I guess Douglas decided to tell you about Iraq.”

Patton pulled away from the hug and wiped his face. “How’s Virgil? Is he okay? Does he have PTSD? Does he need a hug? Is he okay?”

Adrian put his hands on Patton’s shoulders. “Calm down and _slow_ down, buddy. Take a breath.” Patton took a deep breath as his father said. “I don’t think Virgil has PTSD but he does have... some trauma.” Patton suppressed the yelp that threatened to escape his mouth, taking another deep breath. He hated that one of his soulmates was suffering, even if he didn’t know him well yet. “And he’s... he’s in the first stage of grief.”

Grief? Virgil was grieving? Over what? Over who? What was his poor kiddo going through? Patton tried to get his thoughts under control. 

“What - What should I do? I - I wanna help him.”

“It’s been a _rough_ day for him I think, since it was his first day at school, wasn’t it?” Patton nodded in confirmation. “So I think he just really needs to relax. Whether that’s by himself or with other people is up to him. If he does wanna be around people, I recommend a movie night. Some nice, lighthearted movies, like, uh—”

“Disney?” Patton asked with a smile. 

Adrian returned the smile. “Disney sounds perfect. Ooh, maybe you could invite Roman over. Make it a very small party? Again, _if_ Virgil wants. And... I know it’s a school night, but if his parents are okay with it, and if _he’s_ okay with it too, of course... he can spend the night here.” He looked to Doug. “I mean, that’s fine by you, right?”

“I mean, sure, why not? Kid’s obviously... had it rough. I’m not gonna force him to go home if he doesn’t want to — emphasis on the _if_.”

Patton beamed at his dads. “Thanks so much! That’s... really cool of you!”

Adrian shrugged. “I empathise with the traumatised, what can I say? Oh, Virgil needs some more water, Pat why don’t you—”

“On it!” Patton exclaimed, darting to the fridge to get another water bottle. 

He knew that Virgil could very well say no to the idea of a Disney marathon but he couldn’t help the excitement he felt at the idea of bonding with his new soulmate. Though he did keep in mind what Virgil was going through — or the extent of his knowledge on the subject — so that he didn’t overwhelm the poor boy. 

Patton _may_ be in over his head here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg two updates in one day look at me go :3 I mean it’s past midnight for me so it’s technically not the same day but shhhhhhhhhh
> 
> Ok I tried using a translation website thing that someone on Wattpad suggested for the Spanish phrases that I didn’t know off the top of my head but it was confusing to use but hopefully I managed? Idk if I made mistakes please correct me ^^ 
> 
> And idk about y’all but I fucking love Patton’s dads :,) also pOOR PATTON THE EMPATHIC LIL BEAN ;-; he’ll feel better when Roman comes over- i mEAN WHAT shhh spoilers
> 
> I’m tired as fuck I’m going to bed


	12. An Atheist Walks Into a Christian House... That’s It That’s The Joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ nightmare and a discussion of religion ⚠️ really this is a very tame chapter though it’s honestly really nice :3 stay safe kiddos!! 🖤🖤🖤
> 
> Also sorry my posting schedule is all over the place (it’s basically nonexistent lol) but when I try to write I suddenly start fantasising about what I wanna include in like ten chapters and I’m like “listen brain I can’t write that until I get THIS done so pls” ;^^ so that makes things difficult in terms of getting shit done rip anyway enjoy this chapter!!

Virgil leaned against Patton's bed, fighting to keep his eyes open. He was absolutely exhausted after such an intense flashback. They usually wore him out and this one was no different, but his lack of sleep seemed to be catching up with him. How _could_ he sleep with all the nightmares?

He tried his best not to fall asleep for several obvious reasons, still holding the Eeyore plushie to his chest. After a hard fought battle between him and his heavy eyelids, he nodded off without even realising it. 

_He awoke in his old bedroom, alone in his bed. Dolon should have been here with him. He got up and walked out of his room, being met with a dark, unfamiliar hallway. He turned back around to look at his room, but it was gone, replaced with a blank wall._

_He wandered through the hallway, not sure where to go and never knowing where he'd been. He eventually found a door to his right, already open just a crack. He pushed it open with one finger._

_Dolon stood there in the bathroom, dripping wet and both his eyes light green — much unlike his real eyes. "You did this to me," he said. "You could have helped me. You could have stopped this."_

_Virgil tried to speak but his voice was stuck in his throat. He wanted to tell Dolon how much he loved him. How much he missed him. How sorry he was for letting this happen. It was all his fault. All his fault. Wait._

_Dolon suddenly walked up to him and put his hands on Virgil's shoulders. "Virgil, wake up."_

_This confused him. He tried to speak again but couldn't._

_Dolon moved a hand to Virgil's cheek. "It's just a dream, please wake up. Virgil? Virge, wake—"_

"—up!"

Virgil's eyes snapped open and he was met with Patton's concerned face. He looked all around, trying to breathe as he figured out where he was. It was only a nightmare, nothing more. He spotted the Eeyore plushie sitting on the floor next to him and immediately grabbed it, hugging it tightly to his chest.

"Hey, kiddo, you okay?" Patton asked softly, having moved back a small bit to give Virgil space. 

He nodded silently, though he wasn't entirely sure. He noticed he was covered in a blanket but he didn't remember having a blanket when he fell asleep. In fact, he didn't remember falling asleep at all.

"Wh-when did... how long have I...?"

"You don't remember falling asleep?" Patton asked, Virgil shaking his head. "I think it's been about an hour, an hour and a half?" It only took that long for him to have a nightmare? Perfect. 

Virgil rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "God, sorry, that's... embarrassing."

"No, don't worry about it. I know you said you've been having difficulty sleeping. I can see why now. You... wanna talk about it? I'm here to listen but I won't force you to talk about anything that you don't want to!"

Virgil appreciated that but he couldn't talk about the nightmare without talking about Dolon, so he silently shook his head. He did, however, make an observation. "It... wasn't nearly as bad this time, though. The - the nightmare, I mean. I just don't know what was different."

"Maybe... you're feeling better! Ya know? Whatever you're having nightmares about isn't affecting you as much!"

"Maybe. Doubt it, but... maybe." He paused for a moment, not wanting to admit it. "Or... could be a... a soulmate thing. But I don't know if nightmares are affected by whether or not you're around one of your soulmates."

Patton nodded. "Maybe! Either way, I'm glad it wasn't so bad this time around!" He flashed Virgil a smile, who gave a half grin in return. "Say, my dad is about to start making his world famous meatloaf; you wanna stick around for dinner? Feel free to say no, just thought I'd ask!"

Virgil scoffed. "'World famous'?" 

"Well, maybe not _world_ famous but it sure is tasty! It's actually a family recipe! So what do ya say, Virge?"

Virgil was very uncertain about staying here longer than he should. He already felt bad about his flashback, no matter what Patton said to him. But he didn't want to be rude by saying no. "Are - are you sure I'm not... imposing? 'Cause, I mean, I don't wanna—"

"No, it's no trouble at all! No worries, kiddo!"

He finally relented, a small sigh escaping his lips. "Fine. I'll try a little bit, but I don't even know if I _like_ meatloaf." 

Patton beamed. "Awesome sauce! Have you never tried it before?"

"I think once when I was a kid but I don't even remember what it tasted like."

"Well I bet you're gonna love the way my dad makes it! It's been in our family for...." He stopped and began silently counting on his fingers until he gave up. "Well, a lot of generations!" He chuckled, Virgil laughing with him.

"Sounds good. I look forward to it."

Virgil decided to get his homework in his other classes done before dinner, making sure to text his dad about his plans. He was left on read without a response, which meant it was fine. 

He had his big black headphones in — he always carried them in his backpack, just in case — and was listening to his music as he worked. He had gotten everything done except his flip-book when dinner was ready. He really didn't want to stop drawing — or put the Eeyore plushie down for that matter — but he did so that he could eat. Not that he was particularly hungry. 

He followed Patton downstairs to the dining room. Seeing them all together made it blatantly obvious just how big Patton's family really was. It was like a Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of January. He wasn't sure where to sit but thankfully Patton invited him to the seat beside his.

"So... you all have dinner, like... together?" Virgil asked awkwardly, not used to the concept of a family dinner. 

"Well, we certainly try," Adrian responded. "We're not always so lucky, but we make an effort."

"What about your family, Virgil?" Doug asked. 

"Well, my dad usually just gets takeout or something. A lot of my dinners come out of the microwave." He chuckled lightly but noticed concern flash across Adrian's face for a mere moment. He had decided to omit the fact that he enjoyed cooking, for some reason slightly embarrassed by the hobby he rarely got to participate in. 

"So your mom doesn't cook?" he asked, Patton suddenly shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

Virgil paused for a moment. "Well... my mom... died when I was a baby."

Adrian was instantly sympathetic. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Virgil shrugged. "Nah, it's fine. Like I said, I was a baby." He cleared his throat. "Sorry I made this super awkward." He grinned, hoping to lighten the mood. 

"No worries, honey! We've talked about _much_ deeper things at this table, trust me." 

"Say, what's taking Danny so long, huh?" Patton suddenly cut in, chuckling awkwardly. 

"I'm here, and I'm queer!" a boy around Chris's age called as he walked down the stairs, carrying his rooster soul spirit in one arm and practically sashaying into the dining room. He ruffled Patton's already curly hair, making him chuckle as he did his best to fix it. 

"Well, now that everyone's here, let's say grace," Adrian suggested. 

Wait. Grace? Virgil, a lifelong atheist, was currently surrounded by devout Christians? Well _that's_ a safe feeling.

"Ah, Grace," Chris spoke up. "I knew her well."

Virgil suppressed a chuckle at that as Adrian playfully smacked his arm. He noticed Patton was also trying not to laugh and was glad he wasn't the only one amused. 

"This is why _you_ don't say grace, Chris." Adrian chucked. "Leave it to the professional for now."

"One day, Dad. One day." 

Virgil glanced around the table as everyone folded their hands in prayer and bowed their heads. He did his best to imitate, suddenly extremely anxious. What if they found out that he was an atheist? Would they hate him and kick him out? They didn't seem like the type but people were sometimes hard to predict. 

"Father," Adrian began. "We have gathered to share a meal in Your honor. Thank You for putting us together as family — Virgil included," Virgil glanced toward Adrian, blushing as he saw the grin on his face. "And thank You for this food. Bless it to our bodies, Lord. We thank you for all of the gifts you've given to those around this table. Help each member of our family use these gifts to your glory. Guide our mealtime conversations and steer our hearts to Your purpose for our lives. In Jesus's Name, Amen." 

Virgil was quick to unfold his hands, the blush on his cheeks still hot. Everyone began filling their plates with food which sat in the centre of the table. Virgil was hesitant to partake, overthinking as he often did. He didn't want to take too much and seem selfish but he didn't want to look like he was starving himself either. His anxiety was at its peak until Patton's voice broke through his thoughts. 

"You gonna eat, Virge?" he asked softly. 

Virgil cleared his throat, trying to settle his anxiety. "Y-Yeah. S-sorry." He hesitantly began putting food on his plate, unsure of how much he should eat. He wasn't particularly hungry, he never really was these days, but he also knew that he needed to eat no matter how much he hated the thought of doing so. 

Suddenly Adrian asked something that Virgil had not expected. "You're not Christian, are you?"

His blood ran cold as he looked to Adrian, frozen like a deer in headlights. He didn't want to lie but what would happen if he was honest? He couldn't respond even if he tried as his voice was stuck in his throat. 

Patton was quick to sense Virgil's panic and tried to alleviate the stress. "Hey, Virge, it's okay! We're open and accepting to everyone at our table, right Dad?"

"Absolutely!" Adrian concurred. "Just as long as you're not an ass—" He glanced over at the seven year old and two twin toddlers at the table and suddenly veered off course. "—ociate with any bad people, you're gucci in my book!"

"Smooth, Dad," Chris commented sarcastically, eating a piece of meatloaf. 

"Well at least I try," Adrian sassed back. 

"Well, I believe the word you were looking for is 'asshole'."

"Christopher Michael Baker!" Doug suddenly shouted as Virgil, Chris, and Danny all tried not to laugh. Though Virgil couldn't help but notice the slight amusement on Doug's face even as he scolded.

"What's asshole mean?" Dakota suddenly asked, causing the three boys to burst into laughter. 

Once Adrian and Doug both assured her that it was a word that you mustn't repeat, Adrian turned his attention back to Virgil. "As we were saying, we're open to everyone here as long as they feel the same. Doesn't matter where they came from, what they look like, who their soulmate is, or what they believe in. All that matters is what they do. Actions speak louder than words and all that. Basically, we have a zero tolerance policy for jerks. You definitely don't seem like a jerk to me." 

Virgil grinned slightly, feeling a lot more comfortable. "Well... wh-where I grew up, religion was never a - a big deal, and m-my dad didn't care, so I guess I just... n-never really... got into that - that stuff. And at some point I just... well, I d-didn't see the point of it. Like, why believe in someth-thing that I... don't s-see?" He suddenly paled. "Not - not that I - I th-think religion is - is stupid or - or anything! I - I just - I don't—"

"No worries, lemon drop!" Adrian cut him off before he got too flustered. "Religion isn't for everyone. So, what do you consider yourself, if anything at all?"

"Uh... I guess a-an atheist? If we're p-putting labels on it." 

"And that's perfectly fine! Everyone has their own beliefs and what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't respect that? Honestly, what kind of gay man would I be?" He chuckled, bringing a smile to Virgil's face. 

They all continued chatting, Virgil doing his best to eat but struggling. The meatloaf turned out to be the best thing he'd ever eaten but his body was resistant to the idea of food. He didn't want to just stop eating, though; he didn't want to be rude. Why was dinner of all things so complicated for him these days?

"Virge?" Patton murmured. "You okay, kiddo?"

He quickly nodded, a bit too quickly. "Y-Yeah, I'm - I'm f-fine." He gave a small unconvincing smile. 

"Can't help but notice you've got a bit of a stutter there," Doug observed. "I had a stutter when I was in high school and it was just the worst." He chuckled as he sipped his beverage. 

Virgil grinned. "Yeah, w-well, I'm learning to l-live with it. Some d-days are better than others."

"You ever have that moment where you're trying to say a word, but you legit just can't say it for like five whole seconds so there's that awful pause while you're trying to get it out?" 

Virgil scoffed. "All the _time_ lately! It's so annoying!" 

"How long have you had this stutter, Virgil?" Adrian asked curiously. 

Virgil shrugged. "About a month, I think." He suddenly realised with brilliant clarity that he hadn't been stuttering before... Dolon. Was there a connection? Could there be a connection? How had he not noticed this before? Was he really trying _that_ hard to keep Dolon out of his mind? 

Dinner became somewhat quiet after that. 

After everyone was done eating, Patton decided it was the right time to ask a question. "So... Virge... feel free to say no, but I was wondering if you wanted to have a movie marathon! My dads already said it's okay, and you can even sleep over if you want! Again, feel free to say no, but I thought it would be a nice way to wind down after such a long day!"

Virgil had to admit to himself that he did not want to go back to his house today. Being around Patton and his big misfit family was oddly liberating and helped to keep his brain occupied. However, he kept in mind his initial goal, in spite of what Remy said; separating himself from his soulmates as much as humanly possible to keep from getting hurt again. Having a sleepover sounds like the exact opposite of what he wanted. But he was already starting to like Patton — even Roman a little bit — so what was he supposed to do? Patton was still awaiting an answer so he panicked and spat out words. 

"Uh, I, um, w-well, I - I don't, uh... wouldn't I - I need, like, pyjamas for a - a sleepover?" _Pyjamas? That's the best you could do?_ He ignored his thoughts as best he could as he subconsciously picked at the loose thread on his sleeve. 

"Oh, you can borrow some of mine! Don't worry about it! I think we might be around the same size, too!" How absolutely _perfect_. "Hey, if you don't wanna stick around, I won't take it personally. Sometimes we just need a bit of space, and I completely understand." 

That's just it; Virgil had no idea what he needed. The idea of being alone was just as terrifying as the idea of being surrounded by people. He honestly didn't know what he would do if he was alone for too long right now. That thought alone was enough to make him want to stick around for a bit longer at least. 

“I guess... I - I could hang out. For tonight. I mean, I’ll have to - to ask my d-dad about the, uh, sleeping over p-part, but... I guess it... c-could be fun?” 

Patton’s smile made Virgil’s stomach do a somersault. He hated that. “Awesome! How would you feel about me inviting Roman over? We can make it a party! I mean, if you want, of course.”

He couldn’t think of any reason to say no and he didn’t want to seem rude, but he didn’t want all of Roman’s intoxicating charm in his face gushing over Disney or musicals or whatever else he’s into. He sighed silently, finally relenting. “Uh, sure, wh-why not?”

Virgil had a very bad feeling about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who’s excited for Roman to come in next chapter cos I certainly miss writing his dialogue!! He’s so extra and I can channel all my inner extraness and it’s great 👌🏻
> 
> Also HOLY SHIT we are at over 1K hits and 150 kudos WHAT??? I’m so unbelievably happy right now thank y’all so so much???? Ily???? I could’ve sworn that I already mentioned this but I went back and checked and I guess I didn’t which is weird lol but STILL THANK ALL YALL 🖤🖤🖤🖤


	13. Words Are Like Really Hard Sometimes, Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ this one is gonna be tricky to make warnings for but research/details/descriptions of psychological and emotional trauma (which leads to the briefest mention of rape and child abuse), mention of alcohol/alcoholism, the mention of an animal death since soul spirits die with their owners I guess, and talk of suicide and a reference to past suicide ⚠️ stay safe kiddos 🖤🖤🖤
> 
> Oh hey remember that one time in chapter eleven when I called Patton’s dad adrian Baker-Sheffield? Well IM AN IDIOT .-. I was gonna use the last name Baker for Patton in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FANFICTION and SOMEHOW i managed to get myself all confused :,) so yeah it’s Howard-Sheffield now, Patton taking Doug’s last name which is Howard. Sorry if that was confusing!!! Ok continue im sorry for being dumb brain

V: hey dad is it ok if i stay over at a friends house

 **Read** 7:37 P.M. 

Well, he seemed fine with it, though Virgil wished that just once his father would put forth the effort to actually reply. 

He had gone back to Patton's room while Patton called Roman to invite him over. Virgil wondered why he couldn't have just texted but he knew how the feeling of that soulmate lovestruck bullshit made one miss the sound of the other's voice. He was the same with.... He shook the thought from his head, releasing a deep sigh. 

He glanced over at Patton's bedside table, seeing a bottle of water sit next to a lamp with a Sailor Moon lampshade. He forgot that he had asked for more water before he fell asleep like a dunce. He decided to leave it — he would have felt bad drinking it now.

Holding the Eeyore plushie in his arms, he decided to look something up as his one-on-one talk with Adrian made him immensely curious about something. He wasn't sure exactly how to word it but did his best to type the inquiry into the search box. 

_do i have trauma_

The first result mentioned PTSD which he was certain he didn't have, based on Adrian's "evaluation". The second result, however, said "signs & symptoms of psychological and emotional trauma". It seemed like a good place to start if nothing else. Maybe it could give him the answers he wanted. 

On the website were a few tabs and Virgil clicked the one titled "Understanding Psychological Trauma", hoping to get at least a somewhat decent idea of what this all was. It talked briefly about what psychological trauma is and how it is essentially damage to one's psyche after living through a disturbing event. There was one paragraph that really caught his attention.

> _While traumatic experiences frequently involve life-threatening events, any situation that leaves one feeling alone and completely overwhelmed can be traumatic – even without physical harm. It's important to remember that it's not the objective facts of the event alone that determine how traumatic an event is; it's also the subjective emotional experience of the event. Often, the more terror and helplessness one feels, the more likely it is that an individual will be traumatised._

Wait. So he _could_ be traumatised by Dolon's death?

He moved on to the next tab titled "Traumatic Events". This tab went over factors that would increase the chances of trauma as well as examples of events that could be considered traumatic. One example in particular grabbed his heart and ripped it from his chest. 

• Interpersonal violence like rape, child abuse, or the suicide of a loved one or friend. 

_The suicide of a loved one or friend._

_Suicide._

Virgil felt nauseous as he read this, holding Eeyore closer to his chest. Perhaps researching this topic wasn't such a good idea. But he was in it now, he might as well keep going. 

He moved on to "Signs and Symptoms of Psychological Trauma". This, of course, covered the after effects of a traumatic event. There was a long list of symptoms categorised by whether they were cognitive, behavioural, physical, or psychological. 

_Cognitive_ :

• Intrusive thoughts of the event that may occur out of the blue  
• Nightmares  
• Visual images of the event  
• Loss of memory and concentration abilities  
• Disorientation  
• Confusion  
• Mood swings

 _Behavioural_ :

• Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the event  
• Social isolation and withdrawal  
• Lack of interest in previously-enjoyable activities

 _Physical_ :

• Easily startled  
• Tremendous fatigue and exhaustion  
• Tachycardia  
• Edginess  
• Insomnia  
• Chronic muscle patterns  
• Sexual dysfunction  
• Changes in sleeping and eating patterns  
• Vague complaints of aches and pains throughout the body  
• Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger

 _Psychological_ :

• Overwhelming fear  
• Obsessive and compulsive behaviors  
• Detachment from other people and emotions  
• Emotional numbing  
• Depression  
• Guilt – especially if one lived while others perished  
• Shame  
• Emotional shock  
• Disbelief  
• Irritability  
• Anger  
• Anxiety  
• Panic attacks

Virgil was beginning to think this website was nothing but a callout post.

He looked into the final tab on the website titled "Effects", which covered the, well, effects of untreated psychological trauma. He related to some effects listed but was hesitant to admit to himself that he was on the brink of alcoholism. Sure, he had a sip or two of his dad's alcohol on occasion — particularly since Dolon's death — but he was certain that calling it alcoholism this early on was a stretch at most. Right? 

He looked at some more results until he decided to look up something else. 

_how do i cope with trauma_

All the different websites said basically the same things. Be with other people, talk about the traumatic event, exercise, eat something even when you don't feel like it, etcetera, etcetera. Although, a few suggestions stood out to him. Remind yourself that your reactions are normal and they will pass, make sure you are being kind to yourself and doing enjoyable activities, remind yourself that what happened is over and you're safe now, and give yourself time and patience to deal with your trauma. 

It was hard for Virgil to believe that what he went through could result in actual trauma. But every website he had found in his first search said it was possible. He had never realised something like that could cause something so severe. They also said that you could even experience trauma from a significant breakup or divorce. Trauma really knows no bounds.

> _Continue to talk to your family, friends, and colleagues about the trauma. This will help you to get over your feelings. Even if you feel a bit distant from other people, do not reject their support. Do not be afraid of your feelings._

Do not be afraid of your feelings, huh?

\\\\\

Patton was eagerly awaiting Roman to answer his phone. He needed to talk to him about more than just a sleepover. He would obviously not tell him more than what Virgil would be comfortable with Roman knowing, but he wanted everyone to be on the same page in this situation, or at least as close to the same page as possible. 

"Hey, Patton-Cake!" Roman suddenly answered, much to Patton's relief. "How are you, my love?"

"Hey, Ro! I’m super! So Virgil is at my house and we were wondering if you would be able to come over and watch movies with us! Maybe sleep over if your parents are okay with it!"

"A sleepover? On a Monday night? How are your dads _so_ flippin' cool, man?" 

Patton chuckled at that. "That's just how they roll! So do you think you can, uh, swing it?"

"Maybe. I'd have to beg my parents on my knees or some— wait, did you say _Virgil_ is at your house?" 

"Yeah, why?"

There was a pause on the other end. "Is he... still mad at me?"

"Aw, Ro, I don't think he was ever _mad_. You might've just caught him off guard, is all."

"Perhaps. I just... don't wanna... upset him further, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it! I asked him if I could invite you over and he said he was fine with it!"

There was another pause. "He did?"

"Yeah! If he was mad at you he probably would've said something, right?"

Roman thought it over. "I suppose that's true. Alright, I'll ask my parents about it, but I doubt I'll be allowed to stay the night. Fingers crossed though."

Patton crossed his fingers and smiled. "Fingers crossed!"

"I'll text you when I get an answer, okay? Love you."

"Love you, too." He suddenly realised he still had more to say. "Oh! Shoot, I nearly forgot! Um... there's kinda something else that's been... bugging me."

"What is it? Is there a beast you need me to slay? I will gladly do so for you."

Patton chuckled at how over the top Roman could get. "No, no, nothing like that, silly! It's just... well, I don't know what all Virgil is okay with me telling you, but... well... I'm pretty sure he has... some sort of... trauma... of some kind."

One more pause occurred. "Wait... _what_?" 

"Yeah, I mean... that's what my dad said and he's a therapist. He'd know, right? Well, Virgil had a, uh... a flashback earlier and—"

"What kind of flashback? Is he okay?" 

"He's fine! He's fine, but he... I think he was speaking Spanish and, well, we both know I don't speak Spanish so I, um... well, there was one thing he was saying a couple times that I could actually... make sense of? Well he was saying a lot, but, um... one of the things he said was... uh, 'te fallé... tu? I think. Something like that, anyway. Do you know what that, um, means?" He hated how much he was babbling but it was a nervous habit of his. 

"'Te fallé tu'? You're sure?"

"Yeah, that was it! Why, what's it mean?"

"It... it means 'I failed you'."

A chill went down Patton's back. Why was Virgil saying "I failed you" during his flashback? Who did he believe that he failed? It made him wonder what the other things he was saying meant but he knew that it would probably only make him emotional, as most things did. 

"Patton? You okay?" Roman's voice interrupted Patton's train of thought. 

"Uh... yeah. I'm fine. Um... you should - you should go ask your parents about the, um, the - the thing."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll text you. Patton?"

"Yeah, Ro?"

"I love you."

Patton grinned. "I love you, too." 

\\\\\

"How the fuck do I talk about this to anyone?" Virgil asked Coco as she hung from the decorations on Patton's ceiling. "I... I can't even accept that it _happened_. So... what the fuck?" He sighed deeply. "God, I'm talking to my fucking _soul spirit_ now, as if you could actually... respond." 

Coco chirped quietly from her new perch, stretching her wings. Maybe she _wanted_ to respond, but Virgil would never know. 

"I should just... rip it off like a bandaid, right? But... if I can't even... admit it to _myself_... how would I admit it to Patton or Roman?" 

He looked to his left, where for some reason, Basil sat curled up, looking to Virgil as though he was listening. Basil's inexplicable presence annoyed Virgil beyond belief. A constant reminder of who he lost. 

"Why are you still _here_?" he asked in a broken voice. "Just _go_. Stop... acting like he's...—" He couldn't even finish his sentence. Tears began rolling down his face and he was quick to wipe them away. 

Basil shouldn't be here. He should be gone just like Dolon. Basil was just as dead as Dolon was in that bathroom. No. Stop. Don't think about it. _Stop it_.

Virgil needed to look up one more thing, but he didn't know how to word it. He did his best with what his brain could drum up. 

_how to admit to myself that i lost someone_

No, not quite. 

_how do i admit to myself that my loved one died_

Somehow worse. 

_how to accept that my loved one died_

Helpful in the long run, but not what he was looking for. 

Feeling frustrated, he just vented into the search box. 

_the love of my life died and i dont know what to do help me_

Tears stung his vision as he typed these words. All of these articles and websites were useful but he needed something more specific. He just didn't know how to say it. How do you get past the first stage of grief? He decided to type that in. 

_how to get through stage one of grief_

There were articles describing the stages of grief, but he couldn't find anything telling him how to get through them. He locked his phone and slammed it down, feeling hopeless and miserable. 

He didn't know what to do and he was scared. What he was scared of, he wasn't sure. He just felt alone and helpless and afraid. He wanted Dolon by his side, holding his hand, telling him it would all be okay. He wanted him to tell one of his stupid jokes and make everything better. 

He would never hear one of those stupid jokes again. 

He heard Patton enter the room and start climbing the ladder to the loft. He was smiling as he came up, but became concerned upon seeing Virgil visibly emotional as he hugged the plushie he'd become so attached to. "Hey, what's wrong, kiddo?" he asked as he made his way into the loft, sitting in front of Virgil. 

It would have been easy for Virgil to say something like "I need help working through my trauma" or "I'm trying to figure out how to cope with my trauma" or even something as simple as "I'm in a lot of emotional pain and I could use help in dealing with it". But of course it _couldn't_ be that easy, could it? 

The only three words he could muster before breaking down completely were, "I can't function."

_No shit, Sherlock. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out._

_Begone, thought._

"Aw, kiddo, do you need—" Patton didn't even need to finish his sentence before Virgil was in his arms. He wasn't sure when he'd become so needy and clingy but he did know that Patton gave good hugs and that was good enough for him. 

Virgil cried into Patton's shoulder for a few minutes, calming himself down as best he could. "I-I-I'm s-sorry," he croaked, all but breaking Patton's heart. 

"No, no, Virge, you have nothing to be sorry for. You're okay, kiddo. It's okay to cry when you need to."

"B-but I sh-shouldn't n-need to. I-I've cried s-s-so m-much already and I'm s-sick of it."

"You're allowed to cry however much you need to. There's no limit."

Virgil sniffed, pausing for a moment. "But... are - are _you_ not... s-sick of it b-by now?"

"Of course not! Why would I be?"

"I just... I - I thought... I th-thought I was r-ruining everyth-thing by being all s-sad or whatever."

"No, that's not true at all! Sadness is an emotion, emotions make you human, and being human doesn't ruin _anything_. You're allowed to feel sad, okay?" The break in Patton's voice was clear as day, but they both chose to ignore it. 

"I just... hate it. I - I want it to s-stop. I wanna... I just wanna be happy." _I wanna be happy without him._

"Well... you always see rainbows best after a bit of rain."

Virgil cracked a smile at that. "Th-thanks, Patton. It... it's just been r-really hard f-for me l-lately."

"I know it has, kiddo, and I'm so sorry. If you need to talk about it, I'll be here to listen."

Virgil did need to talk. He just had no goddamn clue what to say. He pulled away from the hug, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. What was he supposed to say? "I... I...." He opened his eyes, seeing the mixed look of patience and encouragement on Patton's face. He steeled his resolve, taking another deep breath. "I... _can't_. God damn it." He held his head in his hands, feeling like crying from pure frustration. Why was this so difficult?

"Hey, it's okay, Virge! If you can't talk about it now, that's okay! You have all the time in the world!"

"But what if I _don't_?" he asked. "None of us do. We think we'll live a long, healthy life but it's all _bullshit_. Everything we tell ourselves is a lie to help us get through the day but what happens when we just can't get through it? What happens then?" He looked to Patton, who wore a sad expression. 

"I don't have all the answers for you. But... I know you can get through the day. I believe in you. And I'm rooting for ya."

Virgil let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, suddenly coming back to a question he kept asking himself. "I don't... I don't understand. Why do you... care? You just met me today. I barely qualify as an acquaintance."

Virgil could tell by the look on Patton's face that he wanted to say "because we're soulmates" but was trying to come up with a better answer. "I just... I'm a caring kinda guy! I care about a lot of people and I care about a lot of... everything, really!"

"And because we're soulmates, right?" Virgil asked almost cynically. 

Patton paused, caught off guard by the comment. "Well, I wouldn't say that's a, uh, a _reason_. It's true, yeah, we are soulmates, but... that's not all I see you as! You're not just another soulmate, you're... _Virgil_. What was it, Virgil... Nunya?" he asked jokingly, Virgil laughing as he recalled his sarcasm. 

"Virgil Esmund. And you're Patton Howard, right?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out!" he replied cheerily, smile bright and dimples showing. Virgil hated how much he seemed to be looking forward to seeing that smile. He shouldn't feel this way, he didn't want to.

He decided to change the subject. “So, uh, is Roman coming over?”

“Oh! Yeah, he’s asking his parents about it right now! He might’ve actually texted me already, lemme look.” He got his phone out of his pocket, looking at his notifications. Virgil resisted the urge to laugh at Patton’s 3D silicone phone case shaped like a cartoon cat. How did he even fit such a monstrosity in his pocket? “Oh, he did! Ooh, well, his parents are okay with him staying the night since he has his own car, but if he’s late for school tomorrow they’ll take his car for a _week_.”

Virgil grinned. “Firm but fair, I’d say.”

Patton chuckled. “Yeah, they _can_ be kinda strict but they always try to be lenient when they can. How’d you convince your dad to stay the night, anyhow?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “He doesn’t really care what I do as long as it doesn’t land me in juvie or something. Besides, I’ve always taken myself to school in the mornings anyway, so it’s not that big a deal.”

Patton tilted his head slightly. “You have? Your... dad doesn’t take you to school?”

“He’s always worked nights so it’s impossible to wake him up in the morning. It’s no big deal, really.”

He still seemed concerned but didn’t dwell on it. “Oh. Okay.”

Virgil grinned. “It’s funny, this morning Coco was being a pain in the _ass_ trying to get me up but she’s never done that before. Actually, _all_ of the, uh, soul spirits were trying to get me out of bed.”

“Well, language, but maybe they just knew that you’d meet me and Roman today! Soul spirits are the, uh, guiding force bringing soulmates together, after all!”

Virgil nodded. “I guess that’s true. Also, what is it with you and ‘language’? I’m definitely speaking English. Unless I accidentally slipped into Spanish or Japanese at some point.”

Patton laughed at the joke. “Well, it’s kind of a habit at this point, really. We’ve got little kids running around and Danny and Chris have a tendency to say some... not kid friendly things. Especially Tyler when she was living here, oh the _mouth_ on that girl!” 

Virgil suppressed a chuckle. “Well the kids aren’t here _now_. So... I _think_ we’re good.” 

“Well, yeah, but like I said, it’s a habit.”

Virgil gave him a cheeky grin. “Do you ever say the word ‘fuck’ when you’re alone and no one can hear you?”

Patton flushed but he still smiled awkwardly. “No, never!”

“So you’re just an innocent little holy-roller, huh? You’ve _really_ never said something... less than pure? Never... _done_ something less than pure?” 

“I certainly try not to. Of course, nobody’s perfect, but I always strive to be the best version of myself!”

Virgil nodded, pursing his lips. “That’s fair. Good on ya. I just can’t see myself being such a, uh... harmless, sin-free angel. I mean, what do you say when you stub your toe or something?”

Patton chuckled. “Well, it does hurt like the dickens—”

“Heh, _dick_ ens.” 

“—but I still try to restrain myself! There are alternatives to cussing, ya know!” 

“Yeah, but those are lame. I mean... what do you say instead of ‘damn’?”

“Usually either ‘darn’ or ‘dang’.”

“Do you ever allow yourself a hefty ‘dagnabbit’?” Virgil joked, getting another laugh out of Patton. “I mean, really, all those words sound so... well, lame. I mean, it’s not lame that you say them, it’s just... why are _words_ so bad? They’re just _words_. I’ve never understood that.”

Patton thought for a moment. “Well... I don’t know if the words themselves are bad. I think maybe... people associate the words with negativity and it made everyone think they’re bad and should never be said.” 

“But that’s _ridiculous_. It’s all just taboo. It doesn’t make sense.” He scoffed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to turn this into a debate or whatever.”

“No, you’re okay, kiddo! Actually, Logan really enjoys debates, so you two might... well, uh....”

“What?” 

Patton blushed softly. “I was, uh, just gonna say you might get along is all.” He chuckled nervously. Virgil remembered what his dad was saying about Logan living in London now. He immediately sympathised. 

“You miss him, don’t you?”

They made eye contact, the corner of Patton’s lip twitching somewhat. “Yeah,” he replied softly, clearing his throat when his voice broke. “He’ll be back, though. Four months. I... I hate it, though. He had to go to London ‘cause his mom got a... um, I think Logan called it a... ‘temporary work related project’. Dunno what that means, but... I do know he’s coming back in May! That’s what matters, right?” Virgil saw right through that pained smile. It was the same one Virgil himself had worn many times in the past. 

“Still. It must suck.”

Patton shrugged. “Yeah, kinda, I - I guess. But at least I’ve got Roman — and you now! But Logan... he hasn’t found our other soulmate. So he’s got no one. That... hurts a lot more than whatever I’m feeling.” The mention of their “unknown” soulmate was like a dagger in Virgil’s heart but he tried not to show it. 

He slowly reached out, gently taking Patton’s hand in his own. Patton looked to him with glistening eyes, light blue meeting deep blue for a moment before Virgil looked away, his cheeks getting warm. He wasn’t sure why he extended any sort of solace but he could empathise with Patton. Sure he could still text Logan and video chat and such but there’s a certain warmth with soulmates that can’t be captured with technology. Virgil missed the warmth that Dolon always provided. Perhaps he sought that same warmth from the soulmate in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of moxiety fluff and just a hint of royality fluff there!!! Did I make you proud :3
> 
> I honestly thought I’d have Roman actually like show up this chapter but a phone call is close enough right lmao
> 
> Also the website Virgil looked at is this: https://www.cascadebh.com/behavioral/trauma/signs-symptoms-effects/ I know you can’t click the link but credit where credit is due amiright?
> 
> Also sorry that the soul spirits feel semi ignored at times. There are moments where I’m like “how would I include this character’s soul spirit in this scene” and whatnot but it’s hard to figure it all out oof. Maybe I should’ve gone with a simpler au for my first one but what’s done is done and I have no regerts :P
> 
> Also thanks for the support as always y’all I’m just so happy with where this is going and honestly I never thought I’d make it to chapter flipping THIRTEEN like wowie I love y’all and I love this fic!!!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤 ok rambling over lol bye ily


	14. Sunflowers Are The Ugliest Of Them All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://docs.google.com/document/d/10LoHfEK9gQx8QDIv4bcUcEhf4zUf0FTw5jZ17Fqi5SQ
> 
> i can’t get the link to embed or whatever but YALL LOOK AT THE ART THAT @PamLaufeysonOswin ON WATTPAD DREW OF THIS FANFICTION IM SO HAPPY
> 
> I never thought I'd get fanart based on my fanfiction, that's insane and it makes me insanely happy :,) I'm so full of emotions right now like LOOK!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!! 
> 
> I feel so good today man. It's a good day 🖤
> 
> Also I’m so sorry that it took so long to get this one published. I’m on a trip at the moment which makes writing difficult lmao but it’s here and it’s angsty so strap yourselves in ladz!!! 
> 
> ⚠️ intense anxiety attack/flashback, mention of suicide, and overall emotionalness ⚠️ stay safe kiddos 🖤🖤🖤

Patton and Virgil sat up in the loft talking about _Sailor Moon_ while they waited for Roman to arrive. When he finally did get there, he had so much luggage that he looked like he was moving in. Virgil couldn't help but laugh as he walked through the front door with three leather duffel bags. 

"You're staying over for a night," he jeered. "You didn't need to bring your whole house." 

Roman set his luggage down and huffed. "I like to be prepared! You never know what a situation may call for!"

"Okay, but when will any situation call for million dollar Gucci leather bags?"

Roman crossed his arms. "They're not Gucci, Surly Temple. They're Bottega Veneta." He paused for a moment. "My Gucci is still in the car, I'll be right back."

Virgil glanced at Patton while Roman went to get the rest of his belongings. "Is he... is he serious?"

"He's always serious about his Gucci."

Roman quickly returned with two large suitcases on wheels, covered in a beige and brown pattern. "Okay, _that's_ everything!"

"So is your private jet ready to take off now?" Virgil quipped. 

Roman shot him a look of disdain. "I don't have a private jet." He suddenly smirked. "My mother is waiting until I'm eighteen."

Virgil was somehow shocked yet unsurprised by this answer. "What kind of family do you _have_ , dude?" 

He faltered at the question, trying to come up with an answer. "Okay, that one was a joke. Although, I am very... fortunate to have the things I do."

Virgil scoffed. "I'd say. Hope you remembered to pack your silver spoon, your royal highness." Roman bristled slightly at the harsh words. Virgil couldn't help but be snarky toward him. There were days when Virgil wondered if he would be able to eat, and here Roman is with his fancy luggage and obvious privilege that he feels the need to rub in everyone's face. What a showoff. 

"C'mon, kiddos," Patton began, likely attempting to lighten the mood. "Let's head downstairs; we can chill in the basement!"

Virgil was intrigued. "That sounds nice. A dark, cold abyss to match my soul."

Patton seemed confused. "Dark and cold? Oh, you must be thinking of _unfinished_ basements! Ours is completely finished; my pop renovated it himself!"

Virgil's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "What do you mean 'finished'?" 

"It's like a nice little space to hang out and have fun!" Roman replied. "It's super cosy down there!"

"You wanna check it out, Virge?" Patton asked. 

Virgil shrugged. "Sure, why not?" 

"Neat-o burrito! Alright, let's get all this, uh, all this stuff down there." Patton lifted a duffel bag, struggling to do so. "Hoo boy, Ro, what's in this, anyway?"

"That one is either Disney movies or makeup and nail polish!" Roman replied as he lifted a different duffel bag. 

"Why are _any_ of those things necessary?" Virgil asked.

"Um, it's a sleepover, Virgil. Disney movies and makeup are always necessary for a sleepover." He grinned as he grabbed the handle to the second suitcase. "By the way... didn't take you for the _Winnie the Pooh_ type." He strolled past Virgil, who still held Patton's Eeyore plushie. 

Maybe it wasn't too late to fling himself into the sun. 

He dragged the last duffel bag and wheeled suitcase down the stairs to the basement, Patton going ahead to turn on the lights. Once Virgil got to the bottom of the stairs, he was absolutely blown away by the setup. The first thing he noticed was the off-white sectional sofa against the back wall, covered in assorted pillows and blankets. On the wall above said sofa was a small loft with a little window and some fluffy pillows; it couldn't have been higher than five or six feet above the ground. 

In front of the sofa was a large beige rug, on top of which sat a dark blue ottoman and two armchairs in matching colour. Against the opposite wall was a large flatscreen TV, which Virgil assumed they would be watching a lot of Disney movies on. There were columns between the stairs and the rug, fairy lights wrapped around both of them and strung across the ceiling throughout the room. Needless to say, he was impressed.

"Holy shit," he breathed. 

"I know right?" Roman replied as he flopped onto the couch. 

"And look!" Patton bubbled, gesturing underneath the stairs. "There's even a bed!" Sure enough, beneath the stairs was a bed attached to the stairs. It was a queen size mattress with a couple pillows and a light grey comforter. 

"What is it with this house and being the absolute cosiest place on planet Earth?" Virgil asked no one in particular, still mind blown by the fact that this was actually a _basement_. 

Patton laid down on the bed, giggling softly. "It really is! I love it here so much!" Virgil envied that feeling; he'd give anything to live in a house like this. "Come check out this mattress, Virgil!" Patton patted the bed. "It's so comfy!" 

He bit his lower lip as he set Roman's luggage by the sofa and hesitantly went to lay on the bed next to Patton. This wasn't weird, right? He didn't give himself much time to think about it as he realised _oh god this bed is like heaven_. 

"I think I just achieved nirvana or something, this is the greatest thing ever." Virgil smiled up at the slanted "ceiling" above him, trying not to think about how close he was to Patton. "I could, like, hibernate here or something."

"It's a memory foam mattress! And do you know what that means?"

"Oh, god, please don't—" Roman suddenly spoke up from the couch. 

"It'll always remember you!"

"Why?" Roman almost screamed. "Every single time!"

Virgil couldn't help but laugh, though quickly covered his mouth. He decided to add his own humour. "I would tell a pun about beds, but it hasn't been _made_ yet." 

"Not you, too!" Roman loudly complained as Patton laughed. 

Virgil grinned. "Yeah, I guess that one could've been... ' _bedder_ '."

"C'mon, Roman," Patton began. "You couldn't _dream_ of funnier jokes than these!" 

"Yeah, Roman, don't be a wet _blanket_." 

"Oh my god, I hate both of you equally!" Roman exclaimed, getting a laugh out of the two jokesters. 

Virgil had one more pun up his sleeve. "Well I couldn't _chair_ less what you think." 

"That's not even a bed pun!"

He shrugged. "Close enough." He could feel the mattress alleviate the soreness in his muscles, relaxing every fibre of his being. He suddenly yawned, realising he was becoming too relaxed. 

"Getting tired?" Patton asked. 

"Ugh, yeah. This stupid, amazing bed is too cosy. Curse you, memory foam." He chuckled softly as he glanced at Patton, his heart jumping into his throat as he realised that he was right there. He fought his every aching muscle that begged him to stay in the bed as he jumped up, his cheeks reddening to look more like roses. He cleared his throat and chuckled awkwardly. "So, what, are - are we watching D-Disney or s-something?" 

Roman jumped up, suddenly excited. "I was thinking we could do makeovers first!" 

Virgil's blush deepened, as if that was possible. He should have expected the suggestion as Roman said he brought makeup but he was still somewhat anxious. "Wait, wh-what?"

"Or we could watch a movie and then do makeovers! Or we could start with nails! Really, I'm good with anything! I just... I really like makeup!" 

"Well," Patton began, getting out of the bed. "I think we should, um, let Virgil decide. So... what do you think, Virge?"

Virgil loved makeup, he well and truly did, but the thought of Roman doing his makeover made him inexplicably anxious. This didn't make sense to him as he had been given and had even done makeup for his friends in Wyoming on many occasions, yet there was a voice in his head telling him this was a bad idea and he couldn't seem to combat this voice for the life of him. "Uh... if you two wanna do each other's makeup, that's fine by me. Sounds like it'll be fun to watch."

Roman frowned. "But what about you?"

Virgil gestured to his eyes. "Already got my makeup on."

Roman rolled his eyes. "I was thinking something a little less... uh...-" He struggled to come up with the words he wanted to use, but Virgil grinned as he filled in the blanks. 

"A little less sixteen candles, a little more 'touch me'?" he joked. Roman's eyebrows shot up to his hairline and it was obvious he didn't understand the reference. "Calm your tits, Princey, it's a Fall Out Boy song."

"Oh! Yeah, I - I knew that." He chuckled awkwardly, Virgil easily seeing through the lie. It was honestly cute how flustered he'd become— _No. Stop._

"Well," Patton began. "If you don't want a makeover yourself, are you comfortable doing one of our makeovers? I'd love to see what you can do with more than just eyeshadow!"

Virgil definitely did not want to mess up their makeup in any way and he knew he'd do something wrong. Although he usually did a fairly good job with his old friends, this was somewhat new territory for him. These were his soulmates, and that for some reason made it different. 

_Wait... why_ does _that make things different?_

_Because._

_But why?_

_It just does. Go with it._

_I hate it when you're just vague._

"As tempting as it sounds, I really don't wanna ruin either of your faces with my... mediocre attempt at makeup. I have some experience, but, uh... there's definitely still room for improvement." 

"Well, of course; there's always room for improvement!" Roman proclaimed. "That's why you must practice as much as possible, if you're truly passionate about it!"

Virgil saw his point but was still hesitant. "Well... I mean... I dunno, it feels more like a hobby than a passion. Honestly, I feel dumb even talking about it."

"Don't feel like that, kiddo!" Patton objected. "Listen, if you don't wanna do makeup stuff, we can just watch some movies and hang out! That's totally fine, Virge."

But he did want to do makeup. He just couldn't seem to argue with the voice in his head saying "no". "I mean... I never said I... didn't want to. I... I'm just overthinking it, I do that a lot." He sighed softly, deciding to meet them in the middle. "Maybe we can just... do nail stuff for now. I'm better with nail polish, anyway."

"That works for me!" Roman smiled widely, giving Virgil unwanted butterflies. "Are you going to... join in on the fun by any chance?"

Virgil blushed softly. "Actually... I... already _kinda_ have an idea... for Patton's nails."

Patton brightened up. "Wait, really? Oh gosh, I'm super excited! What's the idea?"

"Well, um... what's your favourite flower?"

"Oh, um... it's so hard to choose between any of them 'cause they're all so amazing!" He thought for a few moments before coming up with an answer. "I really like sunflowers!"

_"Really?" Virgil asked, grinning slightly. "Didn't take you for the type."_

_Dolon smiled back. "I'm a fan of most yellow things in life, really. But sunflowers remind me of Van Gogh. You know I've always loved his work."_

_Virgil's smile grew. "You're adorable, you know that?"_

_Dolon chuckled. "Virge, please. Now what about you? What's your favourite flower?"_

_He took a second to consider telling him about a really rare flower he'd taken a liking to. "I... no, you'll laugh."_

_"Hey, of course I won't! Spill the tea, babe, I promise I won't laugh at you!"_

_Virgil sighed softly, a blush blossoming on his cheeks. "Fine... have you ever heard of the Kadupul flower?" Dolon shook his head in response. "Well... it's an extremely rare flower. It's technically a cactus, but... well, it's this beautiful white flower that blooms every month on the full moon, starting at night, and only lives for a few hours before dying. It can only be found in Sri Lanka and some places in India and South America. It's the rarest flower in the world I think, and it's literally priceless."_

_Dolon had a bright smile on his face and Virgil wondered if he was about to laugh until he finally spoke. "That... sounds like the most beautiful flower in the world." He took Virgil's hands in his own. "How fitting for you."_

_Virgil thought he might explode at that moment. "Oh my god, shut up," he murmured, unable to hold back his smile._

_Dolon chuckled at his shyness, leaning down to kiss him. "Never."_

"My favourites are roses!" Roman commented, taking Virgil out of his thoughts. Of course his favourite flower is the most expensive one there is. 

"Virgil?" Patton spoke softly. "You okay, kiddo?"

Virgil cleared his throat. "Y-Yeah. I'm fine." He blinked back tears, embarrassed by their unwanted presence. "I - I just d-don't really... like sunf-flowers that m-much anymore."

There was a pause as Roman and Patton exchanged a glance, seeming to share a whole conversation through nothing but eye contact. Patton was the one to speak up. "Well, I mean... I also _love_ daisies! Do you, um... do you like daisies, Virge?"

He had a hunch he knew what their silent conversation was about. Was he that obvious? Then again, he might have been paranoid. "Uh, sure, I - I guess. So do you - do you want d-daisies on - on your nails?"

"I would adore that!"

Virgil and Patton sat on the couch while Roman got the leather bag with the nail polish, finding the white, yellow, and pastel blue ones that Virgil needed. "I'm so excited to see how it turns out, Virge!" Patton beamed, Virgil cracking a smile at Patton's energy. 

"Yeah, just... don't hate me if I mess it up."

"I wouldn't hate you for that, kiddo! Besides, I'm sure it'll look fantastic!"

Virgil was certainly less confident in himself but appreciated Patton's encouragement. "Uh, Roman, do you have a... um, one of those things that makes dots?"

"You mean a dotter tool?" he asked. 

"Please tell me that's not the actual name for it."

Roman chuckled at that as he dug through his bag, finding said dotter tool. "It is, indeed." He handed Virgil the tool, who was glancing at his bag and was shocked at how prepared he was. He had loose glitter, studs, foils, tapes, and other assorted tools. One in particular nearly left him slack-jawed. 

"Is that a fucking _nail lamp_?" 

Roman saw what he was referring to and scoffed. "Of course it is! If we were going to do gel nails I would need _some_ way to cure the solution." 

Virgil blinked a few times, making sure he just heard him correctly. "You... You are so _unbelievably_ extra." 

Roman smiled. "Thank you!"

Virgil began painting Patton's nails, trying with all his might not to think about how soft Patton's hands were. He didn't want to think about it, not now and not ever. He didn't want these thoughts in his head. He didn't want to have feelings for Patton or Roman. He doesn't have feelings for them. 

_But you do._

_No._

_Yes. And it's only been, what, twelve hours since you've met them? Such a slut._

_I was making out with Dolon after only knowing him for about three hours, does that make me a slut too? Or are you just full of contradictions?_

_This isn’t about the voice in your head — which definitely makes you a crazy person by the way — this is about you being unable to face your feelings like the little bitch you are._

_No. I don't have feelings for them. I can't._

_Oh, but you do. You like them and there's nothing you can do about it. Too bad they'll end up like Dolon._

_Don't._

_Why not? It's the truth._

_I won't hurt them. And I won't let that happen to them. I won't let them end up...._

_End up what? Killing themselves because you're not good enough? Dolon killed himself because you couldn't save him. That's what will happen to them too. It was all your fault, just accept it._

_No._

_All your fault._

Virgil recalled reading that a way to get the internal voice out of your head is by telling it it's wrong. He wanted to tell the voice how wrong it was, but he didn't even believe it. 

_All your fault._

How could he believe it?

_All your fault._

He found out what Dolon was going through and couldn't even help him.

_All. Your. Fault._

"Virgil?" Patton's voice cut through his internal argument. "What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing, P-Patton," he muttered. "I-I-I'm f-fine." 

"Are you sure? You're crying."

Virgil put a hand on his cheek, mentally cursing himself for getting so worked up. "I-I'm sorry."

"No," Roman chimed in. "You're alright, Virgil. Do you need to... talk about anything?"

"Yes," Virgil blurted out without thinking, trying to choke back a sob. His hand shook as he still held the nail polish brush. "Why d-do I keep d-doing th-this?"

"Doing what, Virge?" Patton asked. 

"I - I don't even w-want to th-think ab-bout it... but then I... I... I just r...rememb-ber out of n-nowhere... and it hurts. And... then I - I make everyone else s...suffer bec-cause I'm t-too emotional."

"Don't say that," Roman said softly. "You're not making anyone suffer. You're allowed to have emotions and you're allowed to react to those emotions. Whatever... happened, you can talk to us."

"Yeah, absolutely, kiddo," Patton agreed. "You're with friends here."

_But you're not with friends. You're with soulmates. And you like them as soulmates, don't you?_

_No. Never again._

He saw pure sincerity in both Patton and Roman's eyes and it killed him. He didn't want to talk about it, but... he did. He just had to say it. He had to. "Wh-why do s-sunflowers rem-mind me of him?" he whimpered, frustrated with himself for being so vague. His vision spiralled as he gasped for air, trying to get his breathing under control. He felt like he was living his worst nightmare. 

"Virge, can you hear me?" Patton asked softly, gently taking the nail polish from Virgil's hands and closing the bottle. "Hey, you're right here, you're okay."

Virgil choked back a sob as he squeezed his eyes shut, holding his plushie in his shaking arms. His whole body trembled as he fought back a flashback. He didn't want this, not now, not in front of Patton again and never in front of Roman. He wanted to break this cycle, he had to break this cycle. 

Roman got off the couch and knelt on the floor next to Virgil. "Virgil, can you breathe with me? The - the 4-7-8 exercise, remember? The one you were doing in class? Can you do that with me?"

No matter how hard Virgil tried, he couldn't take in a breath for four seconds. _Wow, you can't even breathe correctly. You really can't do anything right, can you?_

"Shut up!" Virgil shrieked, accidentally saying it out loud instead of in his own head. "Just shut up!" 

Images of Dolon's body flashed through his mind. There was nothing he could do. He was helpless. Completely helpless. His hands gripped his hair tight as he rocked back and forth, trying to get himself together. He felt so dizzy and disoriented and he didn't know what to do. His vision tunnelled and he went limp, collapsing into Patton's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well ain’t that some angst :,)
> 
> Things will get happier soon I swear to god
> 
> Also I’m fiddling with this college au I thought of but I want unique ideas so I’d love suggestions and stuff!! It’ll be a lot more sunshiney than this (maybe some sombre moments but it can’t be fluff for the sake of fluff what kinda plot is that) (that’s literally me @-ing myself from like five years ago but anyway)
> 
> Sappy time: we hit TWO HUNDRED KUDOS y’all thanks so so much!!!! I’m seriously so grateful for y’all reading this and giving me so much support and everything it means the world to me!! Every comment I get makes my heart flutter and I’m just so happy man!! I love all y’all seriously 🖤🖤🖤


	15. Seven Impactful Little Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ emotional description of what happened between Virgil and Dolon (in case that upsets you) and really it’s just a feelsy chapter bring tissues ⚠️ stay safe kiddos 🖤

Patton held Virgil close as he tried not to cry. He couldn't stand just how much Virgil was suffering. He wanted nothing more than to help but he had no idea how to do that right now. 

There was an insufferably long silence as neither Patton nor Roman knew what to say. Eventually, with great hesitation, Roman managed to speak. "Was... was that a flashback?" he asked, his voice just barely above a whisper. 

Patton sniffed, rubbing his eye. "I... think so. It looked... different than his, um... well, the, uh, first one... that I saw."

The silence returned with a vengeance, staying solitary between them for several minutes before Roman finally broke it again. "What happened?" His voice wavered but he either didn't notice or he didn't care. 

"What do you mean?"

"What hurt him?" he ground out through his teeth, ready to slay whatever beast dared lay a finger — or claw — on Virgil. " _Who_ hurt him? What _happened_?" 

"I don't know," Patton squeaked, his voice as shattered as his heart. "I don't know."

"If... if someone... _did_ something to him...." He didn't finish his sentence, clearly not wanting to even think about that possibility. Neither did Patton. 

\\\\\

_"I love you."_

_Dolon rested his head on Virgil's chest as they lay in the latter's bed. Virgil's fingers mindlessly played with his soulmate's hair as Dolon whispered these three words to him._

_"I love you, too," Virgil whispered back. He was quite certain he was dreaming but was too tired to care. However, he did remember this night occurring in real life. It was a long night for Dolon. It was a long night for them both._

_"There's... something you don't know about me, Virge," Dolon murmured, clearly hesitant to say._

_"What do you mean?"_

_There was a pause before Dolon replied. "I... I've... I - when I was a kid, I... god, I don't know how to say it."_

_"You don't have to if you don't want to. It's okay to have secrets."_

_"I don't wanna keep secrets from you, though. I've kept so many from you."_

_Virgil kissed the top of Dolon's head. "And that's okay. You're going through a lot. Don't worry about it."_

_"But I_ want _to be honest. For once, I wanna be honest about... my past." He sat up and took a deep breath, Virgil sitting up with him and holding his hands. "I... I've...." Dolon sighed, looking away from him. "I've been... abused. By my parents. All my life. And I... I'm pretty sure I have... PTSD. But I don't know 'cause obviously, my parents wouldn't want to take me to the doctor for a diagnosis. But I've done research and I - I've talked to people who've gone through... similar situations, and... yeah."_

_Virgil had his suspicions about Dolon's parents. He knew something wasn't quite right but he didn't want to assume the worst. Sadly, it seems the worst was exactly what was happening. He wrapped his arms around Dolon's waist. "I believe you. And I'm so proud of you."_

Virgil stirred awake, feeling a tear slowly making its way down his cheek. There were warm, protective arms around him, the scent of vanilla and cinnamon filling his senses. He felt safe. Content. Honestly, a bit exhausted too. 

"Virgil?" a soft voice whispered. "You okay, kiddo?"

Virgil opened his eyes, realising what had happened; he had an anxiety attack and passed out. So many parts of his mind were telling him to get up and stop enjoying Patton's embrace, but he didn't care anymore. He couldn't keep doing this to himself. Listening to his thoughts always seemed to lead to panic attacks as bad as the one that just rendered him unconscious. He had enough. 

"Do you - do you need anything?" Roman asked, catching Virgil's attention. "Whatever you need, I'll gladly give you! Do you, um, do you need water? Uh, your fidget cube? Um - oh!" Roman held up the Eeyore plushie Virgil had been carrying around. "This? What about this?"

Virgil grinned at how eager Roman was to help him. He held out a hand to take the plushie. "Thanks, P-Princey," he croaked, clearing his throat. 

"Don't even mention it! If you need anything else, name it and it's yours! If you need me to... move a mountain for you, I'll gladly do so! Or if there's a dragon-witch in need of slaying—"

"A dragon _what_ now?"

"—then consider it slain! Tell me what your heart dreams of and I will make those dreams come true!"

Virgil couldn't help but laugh at how overly dramatic Roman was making this. "Um... I guess water sounds—"

"I'm on it!" Roman declared, already jumping up to "complete his quest", Virgil imagined he would call it. 

"Guess you were right," he said to Patton. 

"About what?"

"He... _can_ get a little protective."

Patton chuckled. "This is _nothing_. You should see how he gets when someone at school starts picking on me or Logan. That never ends well... for anyone." 

Virgil frowned at that. Why would anyone want to be mean to Patton? He's nothing short of charming and delightful. He could understand why Roman felt an instinctual need to protect Patton, though he was unsure of why he seemed to be developing those same feelings towards him. He brushed it off, certain he was reading too much into it. 

He suddenly realised he was still in Patton's arms and quickly sat up, completely embarrassed. "Sorry. I... don't wanna... m-make you uncomfortable or someth-thing."

"No, don't worry, kiddo! I wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, I think you're real... cuddly," he added with a smile. 

Virgil scoffed. "Ew, cuddly." He smirked as Patton giggled. 

Roman suddenly raced back down the stairs. "Okay, so, there were two different brands of bottled water in the fridge and I grabbed both 'cause I don't know which one you want. And there's also one of those... water dispenser... thingies on the fridge so I got you a glass of that in case you prefer... fridge water." He stopped in front of the couch, where Virgil was grinning up at him. "What, why are you looking at me like that?"

Virgil scoffed. "You're _adorable_." 

Roman's cheeks went rosy red. "I... you... just... I - I got water," he mumbled as he set the bottles and the glass on the ottoman, having a seat on the sofa next to Patton. 

Okay. Virgil couldn't argue with himself over it anymore. Roman is the fucking cutest. 

He leaned over and grabbed the glass as it was the closest to him. He ended up chugging the whole thing in one go; he was much thirstier than he realised. He gave a weak chuckle. "Guess three things of water wasn't a bad idea."

There was a pause as Virgil weighed his options, not that he had many. He knew he couldn't keep going through this cycle of pain he was forcing himself to endure, he knew it wasn't healthy. However, the idea of confessing to everything that had happened was absolutely daunting. While Patton and Roman may be his soulmates, they were still technically strangers at this point. Acquaintances, really. As much as he was enjoying their company, he didn't know how much he should trust them. 

No matter how much he loved their smiles and the sound of their laughter. No matter how much he already loved hearing Roman ramble about whatever it is on his mind. No matter how much he already loved Patton's energy and sickeningly sweet disposition. No matter how much he already loved them. 

Wait, no. Love? That's awfully strong. 

He tried not to focus on that too much. He needed to figure out what to do right here, right now. Should he say? Should he confess what had happened? Should he confess that he had met their other soulmate — their last soulmate — and had fallen hopelessly in love with him? 

Perhaps he _should_. But the true question here was, _could_ he? 

"There's... there's something you d-don't know... ab-bout me," he murmured, unable to look in their direction. 

"What do you mean, Virge?" Patton asked softly. 

Virgil set his glass down on the ottoman, taking in a shaky breath. "I - I don't... wanna keep secrets... f-from you."

Virgil noticed Patton's hand twitch for a moment before hesitating. He was about to speak, but Virgil grabbed his hand before he could, knowing exactly what he was about to say. He focused on the feeling of Patton's soft skin, trying to keep himself grounded. He felt nauseous and terrified, though he had no idea what was so terrifying. It's just words. 

_Words that will make them realise that you—_

_No. You're wrong. Fuck off._

"I lied," he choked out past the lump in his throat. "I lied and - and I'm sorry."

"No, Virgil, you don't have to apologise," Roman reassured, reaching over to hold Virgil's hand that gripped Patton's. "Whatever it is you lied about, I know you had your reasons."

Virgil let out a shuddering breath. "I don't want you to be mad at me." He felt Roman and Patton's grips on his hand tighten ever so slightly. 

"No, no, no, we won't be mad," Roman promised. 

"Yeah, kiddo, we know you've got a lot on your plate, so don't worry about anything like that, okay?" Patton gave him a small, comforting smile. Virgil wished it made him feel more at ease, he really did, but the knot in his stomach was as tight as ever. 

He took a deep breath, hoping to at least say something. "I... maybe if... I start at - at the b-beginning... that'll... m-make things easier." He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back the nausea that insisted on haunting him. "It... it was about seven months ago, maybe eight. A - a friend of m-mine... invited me out t-to a nightc-club. The... the N-Neon Cactus." He fought back a sob, never expecting himself to say the name of that place ever again. "I... I hated it. Even the - the name. I - I always th-thought it was so s-stupid." He tried to laugh but it came out as more of a strangled animal call. 

_Stop talking. Just stop talking already. You know how the story ends. You know what you're gonna have to say. You don't have the fucking guts._

_But if I don't say it now, then when will I ever?_

He took another deep breath, focusing on the feeling of Roman and Patton's hands in his own. "I... I went there... and... I...." He had to veer off-course for just a moment or else he was going to vomit. "P-Patton, do you r-remember in - in Mr Sanders's office... he - he asked m-me if... I'd ever... m-met a s-soulm-mate b-before?"

Patton nodded. "Yeah," he whispered. 

Virgil coughed out a sob. "I - I lied!" he shrieked, his voice broken and raspy. 

He had to stop, just to catch his breath. He breathed in for four seconds, holding his breath for seven seconds, and breathing out for eight seconds. He repeated his exercise for a minute or two, calming himself down long enough to say what he knew he had to. 

"His name was Dolon." He stopped again, realising the weight of the sentence he'd just spoken. Was. He said _was_. "He... he w-was... he... he was our... our s-soulmate. And I... I... fuck, _I loved him_. I still l-love him. I've n-never... loved anyone... or anything... as much as I—" He cut himself off. He hated himself for what he was about to say. "He... he's...." He closed his eyes again, taking in a shaking breath. "It was D-December 23. Just this p-past December. I - I woke up that m-morning... after w-we spent the n-night tog-gether. I... I...."

_You what, Virgil?_ his thoughts taunted him. _Tell them what you did_. 

_I didn't do_ anything, _you're just an asshole_. 

"I'm the one who found his body." 

Virgil covered his mouth with his free hand, realising what he'd just said. His body. Dolon's body. He found Dolon's body. Dolon was gone. Why had that reality not truly settled until Virgil uttered those words?

Seven little words. So simplistic in meaning. So impactful strung together into a sentence. 

"I... I'm the... the one who f-found his b-body." He finally looked at Roman and Patton, who both had tears pouring down their shocked faces. "I - I found his body. I...."

Everything felt so numb. 

He stared blankly ahead, unsure what to feel. His thoughts raced through his mind at lightning speeds and he couldn't keep up with it all. He felt Patton hug him, but it was numb and distant. As if he was dissociating, only this time it was a hundred times worse. 

For the longest time, no one said a word. There wasn't a word for anyone _to_ say. They all sat in silence on the couch trying to grasp the situation. Virgil felt guilt settle in his stomach, swimming like bile. He shouldn't have said so much. He shouldn't have said anything at all. He just made things uncomfortable. They were all supposed to be having fun and he ruined it. 

"'M sorry," he mumbled almost incoherently. 

There was hesitation before Patton responded. "Wait... what?"

"I'm sorry," Virgil repeated only barely more clearly. "I... I didn't wanna... make you feel bad. But I did."

Patton suddenly placed his hands on Virgil's cheeks, turning his head so they were making eye contact. "Virgil, I am so _proud_ of you. That was not an easy thing to say but you said it and I'm proud. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm proud of you for getting through it and for being able to open up to us."

Virgil's lower lip quivered as he squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a shaky breath. "I... I wish he was here. He... he's supposed to be here. To meet you. I would've done... absolutely anything to... bring him with me. He... didn't have the best family life. And I wanted to... get him out of that godforsaken house." He clenched a fist as he thought of Dolon's parents not giving a damn that their son was dead. "But I... I failed him. I couldn't do a god damn thing." 

Patton placed a hand on Virgil's fist, hoping to relax him. "Virgil, you did not fail _anyone_." His voice was shaking but he persevered. "You were there for him when no one else was. You made him feel loved."

"But it wasn't enough," Virgil growled. " _I_ wasn't enough. It's all my—"

"Don't," Roman suddenly spoke with a firm voice. "Don't you _dare_ blame yourself." 

"But I—"

"No!" Roman got up and sat next to Virgil. "Nothing that happened was ever your fault. I'm so sorry that it happened, but putting the blame on yourself is unhealthy. No one is at fault here. I know you want to put the blame on someone, but please... take it from me... that doesn't get you anywhere."

Virgil had reached the point where he had no energy left in him to cry. All he could do was lean again Roman as he wrapped him up in a hug. He quickly realised he hadn't hugged Roman before and it was the warmest hug he'd ever felt. Patton's hugs felt soft and comforting like his arms were a home away from home. Roman's hug, on the other hand, was the safest and most secure feeling he'd ever experienced. His arms were like a protective shield, ready and willing to defend Virgil with his life. It was a feeling Virgil welcomed. A feeling he needed. A feeling he loved. 

He felt Patton move closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What do you need, Virge?" he asked softly, gently stroking Virgil's shoulder with his thumb. 

"Yes, anything you need from us, don't hesitate to ask," Roman added. 

If anything, he needed a strong drink. Though he had a feeling that would concern the two of them even more. Something Dolon always did to calm him down was play with his hair, and while Virgil still loved that feeling, he knew he'd be too shy to ask for it directly. 

_Your hair's too greasy for that, anyway_ , his thoughts came back to haunt him. _You haven't showered in days, maybe even weeks, you gremlin. You'll only disgust them even more._

_I take gremlin as a compliment. So kindly fuck off._

_Ooh, good one. Burn on me._

_Great, so the voice in my head is sarcastic now? Super._

He tried to block out the mocking voice with little success. He wouldn't listen anymore. The voice was wrong about everything it was trying to say. Except for the showering part, Virgil had to admit that to himself. He'd been too preoccupied with feeling sorry for himself to even _think_ about self-care. 

He realised they were still waiting for an answer and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Disney. The - the Disney movies. I - I just... need to... focus on something else for right now."

Roman cracked a smile. "We can certainly do that. Would you like to pick which one we watch?"

He shrugged slightly. "I don't think I have the energy to make such a life-altering decision," he joked. "Plus you seem like the Disney expert here."

"Well, you're not wrong there." He ruffled Virgil's hair and smirked as he got up off the couch to look through his assortment of Disney movies. Virgil fixed his hair, trying to hide his own smirk. 

"How many Disney movies did you bring, anyway?" he asked, curious as to how many he could have possibly fit in those duffel bags. 

"Um... all of them." 

Virgil scoffed. " _All_ of them? Every Disney movie _ever_?" 

"At least almost all of them. You seem surprised, Virgil."

"He's even got the Disneynature documentaries!" Patton jumped in. "Logan _adores_ those!" 

Roman suddenly cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah, Logan's a friend of ours that... hangs out... every now and then."

Virgil grinned at him. "I already know, dude. It's fine."

Roman looked at Patton with disdain. "I thought we were going to save that for later!"

Patton chuckled awkwardly. "Sorry, Ro. My pop kinda... spilled the beans."

He sighed and gave Virgil an apologetic look. "Sorry that, um... we were gonna... ya know... kinda lie about that. We just didn't—"

"Don't sweat it," Virgil interrupted. "I appreciate that you were trying not to... overwhelm me. Both you guys' hearts were in the right place. Besides, that makes us even, right?”

Roman paused for a moment, his face unreadable. He cleared his throat and went back to looking through his bag. "Oh! I know!" He quickly looked through the movies in search of whatever popped into his head. He then held up two movies with a bright smile; _Princess and the Frog_ and _Mulan_. "You were saying Mulan and Tiana were your favourite princesses, right?"

Virgil smiled at him, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Uh, yeah. Um... between those two, I’d say _Princess and the Frog_ is a more... uh, lighthearted movie, which is what I’m needing right now.”

“That’s fair! And if you’re in the mood for _Mulan_ afterwards, we can certainly watch that one as well!”

Virgil’s smile grew, already feeling mildly better about the situation. He was amazed by the fact that just spending time with his soulmates was enough to improve his mood, especially considering the circumstances. He was beyond grateful that Remy convinced him to give these guys a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, first of all, I know the soul spirits weren’t mentioned at all this chapter but I thought because of the scenario or whatever it would’ve “broken the ambience” or some shit idk I can’t word my thoughts lol but yeah I swear there’s a method to my madness
> 
> Also, I received some less than thrilling news yesterday. My great grandma recently passed away. I haven’t been as close with her in recent years but I remember her very fondly in my childhood. So that news is just kinda... hitting me hard I guess. The funeral was today but I didn’t end up going, which I kinda regret. I just wasn’t sure if going to a funeral with my already kinda shitty mentality would’ve been the best idea. Excuses excuses, yeah. 
> 
> Anyway, hopefully my update schedule improves soon. I’m doing my best but sometimes writing is just hard haha. Next chapter should be filled to the brim with fluff. Or at least if I write it the way I have it in my head haha
> 
> Thanks for being here y’all. I mean it. Ily fam 🖤


	16. Feelings? For Other People? Sounds Fake But Ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ lots of self harm talk and mention of self harm scars on multiple occasions, brief mention of wanting to complete suicide/a suicide attempt, negative self talk, mention of past bullying/homophobia, and brief mention/implication of body image issues ⚠️ let me know if I missed anything, a lot is discussed this chapter!!
> 
> Also I've been meaning to bring this up for several chapters but I wanted to know y'all's thoughts on a change to the title of this fic? I'm thinking "Sick of Losing Soulmates" would fit the theme a bit better for a couple of different reasons (plus I'm a sucker for Dodie haha) so thoughts? I even made a new cover already lol
> 
> ALSO omg thanks y’all for getting us to over 2k hits and 275 kudos that’s absolutely incredible!! I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned that yet but either way I’ll say it again THANK YOU 🖤🖤🖤 y’all are amazing and ilysm

Patton and Roman were having a difficult time processing the information given to them. One of their soulmates was actually... gone. They were holding it together as best they could for Virgil's sake but it was proving to be a difficult task, and Roman suspected this was especially true for Patton. He was by far the most emotional and empathetic out of all of them so Roman had a feeling he was taking the news to heart. 

Patton had gone upstairs to change into pyjamas and make popcorn, though based on his wavering voice Roman knew it was more of an excuse to leave than anything else. He probably didn't want to be in the same room as Virgil when he cried. Roman wanted to be there to comfort him but if Patton wanted comforting he knew he'd come up with some excuse to bring Roman with him. As much as he thrived on physical comfort, Patton had his rare moments when he just needed to cry alone. This could be one such moment. 

After some silent moments of being left alone with Virgil, Roman wanted to break the silence. Though usually he was quite skilled with the spoken word, in this moment, he was rather stumped. He glanced at Virgil, who sat at the corner of the sectional, still holding Patton's plushie close to his chest. Roman had recognised the Eeyore plushie as Patton had owned it for years but he was rather surprised that Virgil took a liking to it. He meant it when he said he didn't take Virgil for the _Winnie the Pooh_ type, and he certainly didn't take him for the stuffed animal type either. 

He forced himself out of his unfocused train of thought, finally thinking of something to say as he cleared his throat. "I, uh, we should get changed as well, right? Into something... comfier." Not perfect, but it was something. 

"Oh yeah, I don't have pyjamas; this whole sleepover thing was very last minute. Patton said I could borrow some of his, maybe I should go and ask him about that."

"Oh, well, I'm sure he'll bring something down for you to wear, don't worry about it." If Roman was correct about his earlier thought, he didn't want Virgil to find Patton crying and feel guilty; that was the last thing Virgil needed right now. 

"Fine, but if it's bright pink, I'll riot." He gave a half-smile. 

Roman returned the smile. "What if it's _pastel_ pink?" 

"If it even remotely resembles that dreaded section of the colour wheel, you won't hear the end of it."

Roman laughed at that. "Fair enough. But you're gonna _hate_ the pyjamas I packed, then." 

Virgil rolled his eyes, smile still present on his lips. "Oh, god. I'm suddenly dreading letting Patton invite you over."

Roman laughed again as he got up to look through one of his suitcases, finding his very much Disney inspired pyjamas. He glanced at Virgil and paused. "Um... should I, uh, change upstairs, or...?"

Virgil scoffed. "Don't worry, I won't look if you're that shy."

Roman blushed beet-red. "I'm not _shy_ , I just don't want you to be... uncomfortable." 

Virgil shrugged. "I'm not uncomfortable. Are you uncomfortable?"

He faltered for a moment, looking at the ground to avoid Virgil's eyes as he half-heartedly chuckled. "No, why would I be?"

Virgil's expression softened slightly as he turned around, his back facing Roman. "I'm not looking, okay? Don't worry about it."

Roman paused for a moment, wondering if Virgil caught on. _Damn it, Roman, you're an actor_ , he scolded himself internally. _You should be able to act like everything's fine_. 

He changed clothes as quick as he could, setting his old clothes on top of his suitcase. He cleared his throat, plastering a grin onto his face. "I hope you're mentally prepared for the amount of pink I'm wearing right now."

Virgil scoffed as he turned around, his eyebrows immediately raising upon seeing what Roman was wearing. Clearly inspired by Princess Aurora's outfit from _Ralph Breaks The Internet_ , the top featured horizontal stripes in two shades of pink with the words "Nap Queen" in fancy gold lettering while the bottoms were a plain magenta. "Wow," was all Virgil could seem to say. 

Roman's smile widened as he laid down on the couch, his back against the arm as he hugged a pillow. "Is that a good 'wow' or a bad 'wow'?" 

"More like... 'wow, that's an assault on my eyes'."

Roman laughed at that. "Don't judge me, Hot Topic."

"Aw, you think I'm hot."

"Yeah." Roman slapped a hand over his mouth as it let that response fall out on its own, both his and Virgil's eyes widening. _Roman, you fucking moron_. "I mean, I, um... you are... attractive. Objectively speaking, obviously. I mean, I don't... you're... um, I - I just—"

"Chill, Princey, don't have an aneurysm," Virgil joked. "I... well, uh, thanks for... saying that I'm... attractive. You are too, I'm not gonna lie."

Roman's heart fluttered as he smiled brightly, trying to control it and failing miserably. He always treated every compliment he received like pure gold, thoroughly appreciating every bit of praise. He cleared his throat, hoping his blushing didn't look as obvious as it felt. "Uh, thank you. I, uh, I appreciate that." His smile dimmed as he remembered the events of earlier in the hallway. How Virgil reacted to being flirted with. "And, also... I feel like I should apologise for... making you uncomfortable earlier today. That... was not my intention. So I'm sorry."

Virgil appeared confused for a moment before he seemed to realise what Roman meant. "You mean in the hallway when we were speaking Spanish?" he asked, almost amused. Roman nodded his head. "That... dude, it's fine. Don't worry about that, we're good."

"You just seemed... upset. I don't want to cross any boundaries or make you uncomfortable in any way."

Virgil's lips quirked as though he wanted to smile but couldn't quite. "It's... not the flirting itself that got to me. Although I was definitely surprised." 

"Then what did get to you? I... wouldn't want to accidentally repeat the mistake in the future."

Virgil took a deep breath. "'Ángel oscuro' is... was a nickname Dolon liked to use. In English mostly, but he loved saying it in Spanish while I was teaching him." 

Roman felt like he'd been stabbed through the heart with his own sword. He obviously had no way to know but he still wished he had. "Oh, Virgil, I'm so sorry—"

"Don't sweat it, Princey," Virgil cut him off. "You didn't know, it's fine."

Before Roman could respond, Patton came down the stairs with a big bowl of popcorn and pyjamas in his arm. He wore a tank top that was light grey on the left and yellow on the right, the two colours split down the middle with a big Hufflepuff emblem on it, a pair of matching white shorts with the same emblem scattered on them like stars. One glance at Virgil said it all; he was _definitely_ checking Patton out right now, as shy as he seemed about it. 

Patton set the popcorn on the ottoman and Roman caught a glimpse of the redness in his eyes, his hunch confirmed. He hoped Virgil didn't notice. "So, Virge," Patton began, as chipper as ever. "I wasn't sure what you'd be wanting to wear, so I got a couple options just in case!" He gave Virgil the pile of pyjama sets, who looked at them all in amusement. 

"Seriously, Pat?" he asked as he held up a light grey shirt with a pastel rainbow on it, the words "Friday forever" written in pastel rainbow colours. 

Patton only shrugged. "It's cute!"

Roman snickered. "Oh, _please_ wear the Friday forever shirt."

Virgil flipped Roman off as he continued looking through the clothes. "Okay, I'll wear the Eeyore pyjamas, but only because he matches my aesthetic." 

"Admit it, emo, you like Eeyore," Roman teased, smile ever-present on his face. 

Virgil rolled his eyes and smirked, though the smile quickly faltered. "Uh... I, uh... um, can I... um...."

Roman knew exactly what he was trying to say. "You wanna change upstairs?"

Virgil blushed as he nodded. Roman had a feeling he had some body-related issues of his own, although completely unwarranted. Roman saw beauty within this melancholy raven, and wished he could see it too. Of course, he may not have a low self-esteem and Roman was just jumping to conclusions — “inference observation confusion”, he believed Logan often called it — but he struggled to think of an alternative explanation. 

Patton directed Virgil to the bathroom and he quickly ascended the stairs as Patton lay on the couch with Roman, who held his Hufflepuff in his arms. "You okay?" he asked softly. 

"What do you mean?" Patton asked. 

"Your eyes are red, my love."

There was a hesitation before Patton replied. "I'm good. Just... I... I feel terrible for Virgil. And Dolon, even though I've never even met him. Just... the fact that I... never will get to meet him... it... hurts. And I can't even begin to imagine what Virgil must be going through. I wish he didn't have to go through that, you know?"

"Yes, I understand that. I, too, wish his life were more... pain-free. But all we can do is be here for him and give him the support he needs."

"Absolutely! We'll be the best support system anyone could ever dream of!"

Roman smiled at Patton's enthusiasm. "You can say that again."

Patton glanced at Roman. "So... how are _you_?" 

The question Roman had been dreading. He sighed deeply. "I'm... just in a bit of... shock, really. I don't think the, um... the reality of the whole... thing has quite settled in yet. I'm more worried for Virgil's feelings than my own at the moment."

"Aw, Ro." Patton nuzzled into Roman's chest. "Your feelings are important, too."

"I... I know. I'm just... processing my feelings, is all. I don't even really know what my feelings _are_. Obviously I'm devastated at such a loss, but... more than anything... I'm worried for Virgil. He knew Dolon, he _loved_ Dolon. He was our soulmate too, but... I mean, if I ever lost you or Logan—" He had to choke back a sob at the mere thought. He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay," Patton murmured softly. "You're okay, baby. It's... a lot to process, but... everything will be okay. Virgil will be okay. It'll be okay."

Roman closed his eyes as a realisation dawned on him. "Someone's gonna have to tell Logan."

Patton sighed shakily. "I... well, shouldn't Virgil be the one to say it? He's the one who... actually... went through it. I'd feel bad saying it for him."

"I'm not sure. It was so difficult for him to tell us and I doubt he wants to repeat himself." He stopped for a moment and took a breath. "Let's not... worry about that right now."

"Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't focus on that too much. Let's talk about something else."

Roman grinned. "Let's talk about how Virgil was _totally_ checking you out." 

"What?" Patton squealed. "No way!"

"Did you see his face when you came downstairs? I thought his head was gonna explode!"

Patton giggled. "Oh, please! Why would he be checking me out when there's already a snacc right here?" He gently tapped Roman on the nose, bringing a smile to his face. 

"Maybe I'm a snacc, but you're a four-course meal," Roman growled flirtatiously. 

Patton buried his face in Roman's chest to hide his blush. " _Roman_!"

Roman couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, come on, Patton-Cake, you know it's true. I could just eat you up."

Patton lifted his head up and smiled playfully as he kissed Roman deeply, only breaking the kiss to whisper the words "Dinner's served," in Roman's ear. 

Roman had definitely not expected _that_ from the most innocent little puffball he'd ever met.

\\\\\

Virgil sat in Patton's bathroom trying to regulate his breathing, pressing buttons on his fidget cube like his life depended on it. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. It was proving to be difficult but he managed. He felt the need to relapse again but fought against it. 

_What's the point? You're only, what, a few hours clean now?_

_More like seven or eight but sure._

_Still, doesn't seem worth the effort at this point, right? You know you deserve it anyway._

_For what?_

_For looking at Patton that way._

Virgil knew he was defeated there. He did not expect to see Patton showing so much... skin. He was absolutely covered in freckles from head to toe like his whole body was a galaxy of its own, filled to the brim with constellations. He had some extra body fat which made his thighs touch and his stomach stick out a bit and Virgil adored it. He had a dad-bod and he pulled it off unbelievably well. 

_No. I don't wanna be attracted to him that way._

_But you_ are. _Admit it!_

_Okay, fine, I like Patton. Roman, too. I like them both. I think they're amazing and I've hardly even known them._

_Told you you're just a slut that's looking for a rebound._

_But I was making out with Dolon like two or three hours after meeting him. It's a soulmate thing. It has to be._

_It's a slut thing._

_You're wrong._

Virgil continued his breathing exercises, blocking out the internal chaos to the best of his ability. The buzzing under his skin wasn't completely gone but he had more of a handle on it. He took a deep breath as he began changing clothes, trying with all his might not to focus on the scars on his arms.

Once he was done changing, he still felt the itch and knew he had a choice to make. He could go back to the basement and pretend everything was fine with the hopes that his lingering itch would go away on its own, or he could get an ice cube from the fridge and risk one of Patton's multitudinous family members asking him what he was doing. 

_Option three, run out the door into the street and hope you get hit by a car._

_No, that's_ not _an option._

_Don't pretend that you don't wanna get hit by a car._

_I'm ignoring you._

Weighing the pros and cons of both his options, he decided it would benefit him more to try and control his itch as best he could. He just had to hope and pray that he wouldn't be seen. _Heh, pray. That's a laugh_. 

He opened the door as silently as he could, making his way into the kitchen and opening the freezer door just as silently. He grabbed an ice cube from one of the trays, amused by the fact that it was Hello Kitty themed. _Gee, wonder whose idea it was to get this_ , Virgil thought with a smile. 

He rolled up his sleeve and rubbed the Hello Kitty shaped ice cube up and down his forearm, feeling the itch slowly fade. He stood there for a few moments taking deep breaths when an unexpected voice startled him. “Hey, Virge,” the voice greeted him, nearly causing him to drop the ice cube as he rolled his sleeve back down. He looked in the direction of the voice and realised it was Patton’s brother Danny. 

“Oh, h-hey,” Virgil replied almost breathlessly. “It’s D-Danny, right?”

“The one and only. Whatcha up to, boo?”

The way he spoke reminded Virgil of Remy and it broke his heart. “Uh, n-nothing. I was j-just—”

“Babe, please,” Danny interrupted, rolling up his sleeve to reveal several horizontal scars and one deep vertical scar. “Wanna talk?”

Virgil got chills down his spine when he saw the number of scars littering Danny’s skin. It was the vertical scar in particular that gave Virgil goosebumps. How long had he been doing that? How long had he not been? The scars were all very faded and old by now. He cleared his throat when he realised he hadn’t answered. “Uh... I mean... I guess, but I should g-get back downst-stairs soon.”

“So I _don’t_ have time to brew some herbal tea while you spill the tea?” 

Virgil chuckled at that; of _course_ this guy brews hot tea like an old British lady. “I love the idea but probably not.”

They went into the living room, ice cube still in Virgil’s hand, and had a seat on the couch. Danny held his rooster soul spirit in his lap, gently petting his back. “Alright, sis. Spill. What’s goin’ on in that pretty little head of yours?”

Virgil sighed silently as he held Coco to his chest, Eeyore plushie in his lap and his clothes in a pile on the couch next to him. “I... I dunno, maybe this was a bad idea.”

“I know we’re basically strangers, hon, but it’s good to talk things out. Maybe if I start, it’ll make it easier for you to open up?”

Virgil grinned at how similarly Adrian had started their conversation. Like father, like son. “Sure, maybe.”

“Just let me know if any of this becomes too triggering for you, okay?”

Virgil nodded in response, hoping he wouldn’t be such a big baby that just _talking_ about self-harm would make him upset. He ignored the voice in his head saying it probably would. 

“Well, I’m two years clean now. Actually, two years next Saturday, which is wild.” He stopped to chuckle as though he couldn’t believe it. “Uh, I started hurting myself in... I think sixth grade. Middle school was always _rough_ with a capital _ugh_. Bullies, mostly. I can’t tell if you’ve noticed, but I’m a little bit... _different_.” 

Virgil grinned. “Yeah, I like that about you.”

Danny put a hand to his chest, an open mouthed smile on his face. “O-M-G, you’re, like, my favourite right now. Anywhomst, my self-harm started out being really intense scratches, and when I finally told someone about it — not naming names — they told me... ‘that’s not _real_ self-harm, though’. As if there’s only one way to harm oneself. What a plebe.”

Virgil felt bad for wanting to laugh at the last statement but held it together. “Sorry that people are so ignorant.”

Danny waved it off. “It’s in the past now, no worries. ‘I never look back, darling; it distracts from the now’. However, back then... I was a bit more... uh, impulsive. So, basically, I said ‘fuck you, scrub’ and used a knife when I got home from school that day. That was in seventh grade, I think. And then later on in... ninth grade? No, tenth? No, ninth grade, final answer, that was when I gave myself... this.” He traced his finger along the vertical scar. “That year. It was just... a lot more than I could bear, ya know? Things were hard and I couldn’t take it. And if Tyler didn’t get home from work early that day... well, I wouldn’t be here telling you any of this.”

Virgil took a deep breath as he absorbed all of the information he was given. It broke his heart that someone who seemed so nice had it so rough. He hated that the world was so full of people so cruel. How they look at people whose soulmates were the same gender and said “No, that’s not your _real_ soulmate! You’re just _pretending_ so you can be special little snowflakes! Your _real_ soulmate is out there somewhere feeling lonely because of how _selfish_ you are, pretending to be _gay_ and have a _gay_ soulmate!” So full of shit. And people like Virgil with more than one soulmate? Forget about it. 

“You good, Vee?” Danny asked, bringing Virgil out of his clouded thoughts. “Did I say too much?”

“No, no. Just... I’m so—"

“Sorry? Don’t worry about it, kiddo. Oh, shit, now I sound like Patton.” They both laughed at that. 

“Congrats on being almost two years clean, though. That’s insane.”

“Yeah, time, she flies. If you don’t mind me asking... how long have you been clean?”

Virgil was embarrassed to say the least. Here Danny was approaching two years and Virgil wasn’t even twelve hours clean. “Uh... about eight hours, give or take.”

Danny smiled genuinely. “That’s really good progress, babe! I’m proud of you.”

Virgil preened under the praise but hardly believed it. “Yeah, well, I’m not even _close_ to two freaking years.” 

Danny’s smile became sad. “Any progress is progress. I mean... when you’re playing a video game, and you end up dying... that doesn’t erase any and all progress you’ve made. Sure, you have to start again from the beginning, but you’ve also learned... what went wrong along the way, so when you reach that really difficult point... you can try new techniques and overcome whatever challenges life — or in this case, the video game — is throwing your way.”

Virgil really appreciated that unique take. It made sense in a way, he supposed. However, he couldn’t stop himself from being sarcastic if he wanted to. “I mean, don’t you usually have save points in video games—”

“Sweetie, please, don’t ruin the metaphor with facts.” They both laughed at that before Danny continued. “You know who helped me... beat that video game?”

“So we’re continuing this metaphor, then?”

“ _Shut up_! But you know who helped me? My friends and family. And my soulmates, of course.” Virgil’s eyebrows rose at the use of the word “soulmates”, plural. “Yes, I’ve got two. Their names are Zelda and Mario.”

Virgil gave him a pointed look. “No they’re not.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine, Mario’s real name is Anthony but I swear to _god_ Zelda is real. Anyways, the people in my life who love me and care about me have been a huge help in my recovery. I know Patton cares about you and he can be a big help if you open up to him when you’re ready. He was always ready to help me when I felt like relapsing. Hell, sometimes I _still_ feel like relapsing. Not nearly as often, but I do. You don’t have to play this game alone. Multiplayer is an option.”

Virgil chuckled softly. “Thanks, Danny. And... maybe I can open up a bit more about... my struggles. It’s just... difficult.”

“Oh, honey, I know. _Believe_ me, I know. But it’s a good first step to recovery.”

“What if I don’t deserve to recover?” He tensed up and froze when he realised he’d said that out loud. _Why the_ fuck _would you say that? That is the_ last _thing you should’ve said right now you dumb-ass bitch!_

“Of course you deserve to recover, Vee,” Danny replied softly. “Why would you think you don’t?”

Well, I’m in this now, might as well settle in. “I... I’m j-just... I don’t... I’m n...not good en-nough. I... I fuck everyth-thing up and - and I just make a m-mess of shit and n-no one deserves to p-put up with my bullshit. I - I make people feel w-worse bec-cause I’m such a m-mood killer and I hate mys-self for it.” Once he got started on venting it became easier, like all his thoughts were finally put together and just rolled right off his tongue. There were tears on his cheeks as he finally concluded and he had a firm grip on the plushie in his hand. 

“Virgil,” Danny spoke softly after a pause. “You know why... people get sad around you when you’re talking about this stuff? Because they _care_ about you. They wanna see you be happy and they’re willing to do what they can to make you happy. They’re not sad because you brought the mood down, they’re sad because they sympathise and they _love_ you.”

Virgil had never thought of that possibility. “Really?” he asked softly. 

“Of course! And I’m sure you don’t fuck everything up. That’s just your brain being a douchebag. Don’t let your brain be a douchebag. It _thinks_ it knows what it’s talking about, but it’s wrong. It’s like a really overprotective parent.”

“You _really_ like metaphors, don’t you?” 

“The intention is there, but it’s kinda full of shit at the same time. Like when it says ‘don’t talk about your feelings, you make everyone feel bad’, it’s trying to protect you and the people around you, but it needs to calm the fuck down. It’s overreacting to a scenario and it’s just making things worse.” 

Virgil scoffed. “Sounds like my whole existence.”

“No self deprecating, sis! It’s bad for your skin!” That comment made Virgil laugh in spite of himself. “Sometimes your brain is wrong. You just have to know _when_ it’s wrong. Like... when your brain tells you to relapse ‘cause it’s the only way to cope. That’s wrong. There are a _million_ ways to cope that don’t involve hurting yourself. Like the ice cube method. Or chewing gum. Or, believe it or not, eating a ginger root. I was shocked at how effective that one is.”

Virgil grinned. “I usually use the ice method, use my fidget cube, draw on myself, or eat something spicy.”

“There ya go! Four things off the top of your head that don’t give you scars! I’m proud, I really am.”

Virgil smiled a full, genuine smile. “Thanks, Danny.”

“No problem, boo. Anything else you need to get off your chest?”

There were a few things he had questions about but he felt bad for keeping Roman and Patton waiting. “I think I’m good for now, thanks. Really, I appreciate it.”

“Seriously, hakuna matata, sis. Go have fun with your soulmates, kiddo. By the way, I’m hella jelly that you got Roman; he’s a snacc and a _half_.” 

Virgil stifled his laughter, blushing red as can be. “I’m leaving now.” He picked up his things and headed to the basement, a genuine smile still slapped on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this feels a little all over the place but... not my worst chapter right?
> 
> A little background for Danny and Chris in case I never get the chance to talk about them again: Danny’s almost 19 and he’s like taking a year off before going to college in autumn (he has no idea what he wants to major in lol) and Chris is 21 and he did move out and he was supporting himself and shit but sadly shit happened and he lost his job and he had to move back in (he was living in the basement until Tyler moved out) and now he’s trying to reach a point where he’s more financially stable so he can move out again. Sorry if that’s confusing or anything I just don’t know if I’ll be able to explain that thoroughly in-fic without it feeling ham-fisted haha


	17. The Happiest Middle Since Oreo Cookies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to clarify, /// indicates the beginning and end of chapters while \\\\\ means a POV shift. Should've made that clear from the get go but ya know,,,, whoopsie doodles :P
> 
> ⚠️ mentions of past suicide, very brief and vague implication of wanting sex, self doubt, self deprecating thoughts and intrusive thoughts, mention of depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues ⚠️ stay safe kiddos 🖤

Virgil went back to the basement, pausing in the middle of the staircase when he saw Patton and Roman making out. It made him feel a few feelings — one of them being ew — but more than anything it made his heart twinge, longing for what they had but knowing he'd never again attain it. _No_ , he thought. _I can have that again, they're my soulmates after all_. 

_They may be your soulmates, but they'll never love you as much as they love each other, if they'd ever even love you at all. How long have they known each other again? Since they were both_ six _? You're just too late for the party. Accept it and move the fuck on._

Remembering his conversation with Danny, he fought back. _Whatever you say,_ mom. 

_Strong words coming from someone who doesn't even_ have _a mom_. 

Virgil tried to ignore the voice and block it out of his head but to no avail. 

_What, no witty remark for that one? You know Danny was full of shit, right? Life isn't like a fucking video game. Wanna know why? You die in a video game, you come back to life. You die in real life, you're dead. Take it from me, you're better off dead._

_Liar._

_Good one._

He decided he'd spent too much time on the staircase and would instead ruin the moment. "Gross." He continued down the stairs as Patton and Roman practically leapt off the couch. "If you two fuck on the sofa, I'm walking home."

They both stood there awkwardly, blushing substantially. "Uh, that's not - we don't, um-" Patton laughed awkwardly, his blush deepening. "We ready to watch the movie now?"

Virgil scoffed, a half-smile on his face. "I'm ready if you are—"

"Great!" Roman blurted. "Perfect! I'll put the, uh, DVD in, you two sit."

Patton sat at the corner of the sectional while Virgil climbed up into the loft. Roman sat next to Patton as the movie started, popcorn bowl in his lap and an arm around Patton's shoulders. Virgil missed the feeling of Dolon's arm around his shoulders. 

_No, don't think about that right now. Don't_ miss _him right now. I can miss him later, just not right now._

"Virge, you sure you don't wanna sit on the couch with us?" Patton asked. 

"I'm good, thanks. I'll just chill up here and pretend that I'm finally taller than everyone else."

Patton and Roman both laughed at that. "Well, if you change your mind, you can just slide on down here, alright, kiddo?"

"Sure thing, Pat." _But wouldn't that imply that I'm actually enjoying spending time with you? Which I am, obviously, but I don't want you to actually_ know that right now. 

_Aw, why not? Suddenly scared of intimacy? You didn't seem too scared with Dolon._

_Stop it._

_Did he even love you at all?_

_Stop. It._

_But what if it was all a lie? He lied to you so many times, remember?_

_He didn't lie. You're the one who's lying._

_So whenever he said "I'm fine", was that not a lie?_

_That's not the same._

_When_ you _say that_ you're _fine, you're lying as much as he was._

_I'm not listening to you._

_You may not be listening, but I'll still be here as your voice of reason._

_You are_ not _my voice of reason._

 _Oh, I thought you weren't listening to me? Another lie. All you do is lie. No wonder you and Dolon are soulmates — sorry,_ were. 

_Shut up._

_But why would you and these guys be soulmates, I wonder? They deserve so much better. Someone less broken. You're just a mess they're here to clean up. Unless... maybe they're lying, too. Maybe they're lying when they say they'll be here for you._

_Liar!_

_Takes one to know one._

Virgil kept his focus on the movie, trying to keep his mind off the voice in his head spitting vitriol. And the fact that he wanted to feel Patton and Roman's hands in his. He wasn't doing a very good job on either front. He couldn't stop sneaking glances in their direction, seeing how close they were and yearning for that feeling. 

_No, stop yearning. Fuck yearning._

He eventually decided that secluding himself in the loft wasn't doing his mind any favours. He slowly inched his way down onto the couch, hoping to remain as silent as possible. Once he was settled on the end of the sofa, his knees brought up to his chest and plushie still in his arms, he glanced discreetly in Roman and Patton's direction. They were both still watching the movie, a small grin on Roman's face. 

When Tiana began singing "Almost There", Virgil hummed along quietly in hopes of keeping his mind distracted. Of course, his humming was drowned out by Roman's boisterous singing, which neither he nor Patton minded. Patton actually joined in at some point, and while Virgil was tempted to make it a trio, he knew his singing paled in comparison to theirs. 

_Everything about you pales in comparison. Just face it, you're below average._

_Liar._

_Do you believe that though? Bet you don't. You_ know _I'm right._

_Liar._

Virgil refocused his attention to the movie, hugging the plushie in his arms closer to his chest. He had a feeling this was going to be a very long night. 

\\\\\

Patton couldn't get Virgil's words out of his head. Did he and Roman really look like they were going to do... _that_? He was certain it was only a joke, but his mind couldn't seem to let it go. He had always known he wanted to wait until marriage — they would have to do so in Canada as it was, so far, the only place that allowed more than two soulmates to marry — but over the years he'd found it difficult to maintain said mindset. 

He didn't like admitting to himself that he had needs. Needs that grew beyond holding hands and cuddling. Although he did still adore that kind of intimacy, he always has. Shouldn't that be enough for him?

No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop thinking about how every touch he got from Roman was like electric fire under his skin. And the way he felt when he was kissing Roman so passionately, the way Roman held him so close, the way his hands felt on his body... it was pure intoxication. 

He must have become rather tense because Roman leaned closer to him and whispered, "Are you alright, darling?" Just the sound of his voice was enough to send goosebumps crawling across Patton's skin. 

He cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine." He sent Roman his best fabricated smile, hoping it would be enough. It seemed to work for the time being as Roman reluctantly turned his attention back to the movie, his face lighting up as the song "Friends on the Other Side" began.

He listened to Roman singing along, hoping to distract himself from his unwanted thoughts. Roman was always so enthusiastic and energetic when singing Disney songs — or any songs in general, really — so it was easy for Patton to become enthralled. He found himself rather surprised when he heard Virgil begin singing along, though much quieter than Roman. 

" _You're changing, you're changing, you're changing, alright. I hope you're satisfied_." A small smile formed on his face as he murmured the words. " _But if you ain't, don't blame me. You can blame my friends on the other side!_ " 

Patton had no idea Virgil had such a nice singing voice. It was clear Roman didn't either as he stopped singing to stare at him in awe — and Patton knew there were very few things in this world that could stop Roman from singing. Virgil glanced over at them, his cheeks quickly reddening as he hid his face behind the Eeyore plushie he held tight in his grip. Patton could have squealed at how _cute_ he looked, but controlled himself. 

"What?" Virgil mumbled. "Am I _that_ bad?" 

"You're kidding, right?" Roman countered immediately. "You have such a lovely voice! I'm impressed!"

Virgil peeked out from behind the stuffed animal. "Really? I've always kinda hated my voice but... with certain songs I can't help myself." He grinned softly. 

"It's absolutely perfect, Virge." Patton gave him a reassuring smile, noticing how Virgil relaxed slightly, happy that he made him feel better. 

"Thanks. Um... 'Friends on the Other Side' was actually one of Dolon's favourite Disney villain songs. Whenever we watched it together, he'd get... _so_ into it. Almost as much as Roman," he joked, his smile growing. "He nailed every single line... every time. He actually dressed as Dr Facilier for Halloween a couple years ago; he showed me pictures of it and it looked _so_ good." His expression softened somewhat. "This past Halloween, he... well, we did a couple's costume. I was Jack Skellington and he was Sally. He had to do the costume at my house, though. If his parents saw, they would've—" He quickly cut himself off, his face suddenly devoid of emotion. He paused for a moment before clearing his throat. "S-Sorry. Talked too much." 

Patton smiled sadly. He was glad that Virgil was becoming more open about his past but it pained him that his past was so tainted. "Don't apologise, kiddo. You're allowed to talk about him. Embrace those happy memories."

"Yes, exactly," Roman concurred. "To quote Shel Silverstein; 'There are no happy endings, endings are the saddest part; so just give me a happy middle and a very happy start'. It is always best for one to focus on the happy start and middle, and it sounds to me like that's what you and Dolon had. The best of times are meant to be celebrated and cherished, even when they only exist as distant memories."

"And you should let yourself be happy," Patton added. "It may feel like you're betraying him by not grieving, but... I'm sure he would've wanted you to be happy even without him around. Obviously, you should take your time to grieve, there's no rush, but don't spend your whole life wishing for the impossible. It'll only make you feel worse." 

Seeing the tears in Virgil's eyes made Patton worry that he said something wrong. But Virgil suddenly smiled crookedly. "Thanks, guys. That... means so much. I mean... honestly, part of me does wish I could just... move on already... but then another part of me... says I shouldn't. Because... if I'm not... grieving... then I'm... well, betraying him. It's... exhausting and conflicting. But I guess... he would want me to be happy. I just wish I made him happy too."

"Oh, Virgil, I'm sure you did make him happy," Roman reassured him. "Sad as it may be, when someone finds themselves... in the mindset that Dolon found himself in, it can be very difficult to get them out of that mindset." He paused for a moment as he took a deep breath. "Take my word for it."

Virgil quickly looked in his direction. "What do you mean?"

Patton knew exactly what he was talking about. He took Roman's hand and gently squeezed it, resting his head against his shoulder. He remembered how torn up Roman was that day. How he nearly had a panic attack over the whole situation. When she stopped messaging back. Roman paused the movie as he started his story. 

"It was a few years ago. I... had a friend online. Instagram, specifically. I stumbled upon her Homestuck fan account and absolutely _adored_ it. We got to talking — mostly about Homestuck, obviously — and became friends almost instantly. And, um... well, we talked pretty much every day... about anything. She talked about her struggles and I talked about mine. She struggled with depression and anxiety. I struggled with... some self-esteem issues." He cleared his throat. "Anyway... well, one day... she... she messaged me saying... she was sorry. I asked... I asked her why... and she said she was leaving. I... asked where... where she was...." He took a deep, shaky breath. 

"Roman—"

"I'm fine," he quickly cut Patton off. "I asked her where she was going. She... she said... 'probably hell since heaven... doesn't let in people who kill themselves'." He covered his mouth with his hand, trying not to cry. Patton hated seeing him like this back then and he hated it just as much now. "I tried so hard... but... she... the last... the last message she sent... was... 'I'm doing this... because I love you'." He cleared his throat again. "Sorry, it was four years ago and I'm still... like this. I just... miss her. I try not to let myself... think about it too much. But sometimes it still gets to me." 

Patton wrapped his arms around Roman's waist. "You're okay, Ro. It's okay."

There was a pause before Virgil spoke up. "I'm sorry. I... had no idea."

"I hope you know... I... wasn't trying to... diminish your own experience or... I'm not trying to... well, what I mean is... I... you're not alone, is basically what I'm saying. It may feel like you're the only person in the world going through whatever you might be going through, but I promise you, you're not. There will always be people in this world that... know exactly what you're going through... because they've been there too. Or they are there right now. And... and you... there are... there are always people you can lean on... when things get difficult. Patton and Logan were there for me to lean on, and we're all here for you to lean on. _Lean on me, when you're not strong_." He began singing, causing Virgil to smile and Patton to giggle. 

"Oh, god."

" _And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on_." 

Virgil laughed. "Please stop."

Roman chuckled. "Fine. But do you at least feel better now?"

Virgil took a breath, still smiling. "Yeah. I think I do. I... I was honestly really scared to... let myself get close to you guys. Terrified, really. But... I guess if... happy endings don't exist... I should make the most of the middle... right?"

Patton smiled brightly. “Absolutely, kiddo! And it’s totally understandable why you’d be scared. You have every right to be.”

“Agreed,” Roman chimed in. “We’ll do whatever we must to give you the happiest middle we possibly can.”

“Thanks, guys.”

“No problem. Can I hug you? I really feel like hugging you now.”

Virgil chuckled softly. “Sure, why not?”

Roman moved closer to Virgil and held him in his arms, Virgil’s smile growing. He looked at Patton and held out his hand. “Get over here, Pat.”

Patton smiled as he joined them, sitting on Roman’s right while Virgil was on Roman’s left, his arms around both their shoulders. Virgil grabbed Patton’s hand, interlocking their fingers as Patton’s smile grew. 

“Shall we continue the movie now?” Roman asked softly. 

“Yeah, sure,” Virgil replied. 

Roman paused for a moment before awkwardly chuckling. “I, uh... I can’t reach the remote now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi it’s been 84 years :,) 
> 
> Was this worth the wait? I should hope so. Look fluff!!!! :,))) might seem like Virgil is making a quick recovery right? Well what comes up... must come down >:3
> 
> I mean not YET but... soon >:3 
> 
> I’m starting to feel like this plot is all over the place but i swear there’s a point to it lmao i might do a time skip soon so that Logan comes home and i can finally do the analogical fluff that I’ve always dreamed of but idk when that’ll be. We’ll see uwu


	18. heyy

I know this is my first update since _July 26_ , and I wish it was a new chapter I really do, but this is an important update. 

I’m not happy with where this story is going anymore. Actually, it’s not so much I’m not happy with where it’s _going_ , but more along the lines of... where it’s been?

The way I’ve been writing this story feels a little all over the place. I mean, it’s an okay story with okay writing so far but I know I can do better! I mean I started this story last May and my writing has improved a surprising amount since then, and I know that there are ways I can improve upon certain elements within the story. Just little tidbits here and there that looking back now I think “oh no why didn’t I write this _this_ way?” 

I think the very first mistake I made with this story was finishing chapter one and _immediately_ publishing it without a second thought. That’s always been a habit of mine cos I’m so excited to share a new story with everyone, but I should’ve gotten at least a few chapters written out before publishing it so that in case I thought of ways to make changes, I wouldn’t have to worry about said changes being confusing for y’all, the people who have already read the unrevised version.   
  
That being said, I am over the moon that y’all love this story so much!!! Your kind words mean the absolute world to me and I’m so unabashedly grateful that you’ve taken the time to read all the chapters I’ve written so far!! Thank you for being here and showing your support!!!!

However, I think what I need to do in order to finish this story is completely redo everything. Like... _everything_. I have such better ideas on how to write this story and better ways to introduce characters and just overall a better way of doing this. I’m even still considering the name change from “Soul Bound” to “Sick of Losing Soulmates” which is honestly a _much_ better title

What I’m gonna do I think is I’m gonna start rewriting the story in a separate document and leave this the way it is for now, which gives y’all time to see this update and know what’s going on, and once I have everything redone, I’ll replace these chapters with the revised version and post a new one of this lil update saying “hey things have changed now in case you were unaware” 

I don’t wanna abandon this story. I mean I guess I kinda did, but I don’t want this to wind up an incomplete story for the rest of time. I leave too many stories unfinished and I refuse to do that again when I’ve come so far. And I know that if I leave this story the way it is, I’m never gonna pick up where I left off. So that’s why I’m doing this. 

I hope that makes sense and I hope y’all understand why I’m doing this. I know you’ve gotten attached to the plot and everything but I promise this is for the best. I won’t make world altering changes as far as I know right now, but just little alterations that’ll make things make more sense ya know?

Anyway, I love you guys, and I’ve missed you, and I hope you’ve been doing well while I’ve been gone 🖤🖤🖤🖤

Oh yeah and I’m sorry I haven’t replied to all your comments lately. I got through a bunch of them on NYE but I just didn’t have the mindset to get to every last one (replying to comments is surprisingly draining sometimes haha) 


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